The Forbidden Fruit

It all began with a kiss, it was only a kiss.
But one kiss, one touch, was all it took.
I was Eve and you were the apple,
the snake was temptation,
A hissing, slithering serpent of deceit.
God banished us from the Garden of Eden,
the knowledge of what we had done weighing heavily on our minds,
Temptation slithered after us,
constantly creeping up,
constantly wreaking havoc.
Irresistible cravings for knowledge,
and the intense pleasure you left behind.
Heated glances across the desert,
Silent kisses in the dark.
A concealed touch,
A whispered word,
"Mine."
I couldn't resist your dark allure,
the obvious magnetic pull between us.
I longed for the scattered moments when my cravings could be satisfied.
You kept me coming back for more.
More of your intoxicating kisses,
More of your warmth.
You were delectable,
delicious even.
Without realizing it, Adam was pushed to the side.
Unaware that I was fooling around with the forbidden fruit.
Until the day I finally looked past the forbidden aspect about you,
and saw the fruit.
Then Adam began to notice.
It became harder to conceal the previously hidden attraction.
An attraction I felt growing.
Or I thought I felt growing.
You were forbidden after all.
Twined with temptation,
With all things appealing.
Adam was all that I should have wanted,
Everything I should have needed.
But I wanted more.
I had looked past the skin to the fruit within,
And I liked what I saw.
I no longer saw the fruit as forbidden,
But as MINE.
Just as you had once whispered the word to me.
I began to whisper it to you.
Adam remained faithful, right by my side.
You, being the forbidden fruit, wanted to remain forbidden.
But you also wanted to have something that was inaccessible.
And I, Eve, was no longer forbidden.
You left, on to the next unobtainable person.
I watched as you did, and held onto Adam.
Never looking at him,
But always at you.
Forever my forbidden fruit.

Because of You

Because of you, I'll always be that girl.
People still remind me of what we did, of what I did.
I wish that our first kiss had been our last, even though I still remember every detail.
Our dance across the hot, black asphalt,
Laying down in the third parking space to left.
As I lay there next to you, I let my emotions take control.
Between those faded white lines, we formed a bond that we swore would never be broken.
We created our own little bubble,
A place where your girlfriend didn't exist.
It was simply me and you.
You and me.
Oh how I liked the sound of that.
And I told you so,
Free flowing conversation,
Almost never ending.
Nothing was forbidden.
Then, suddenly, we ended up in a precarious situation.
Me, leaning over you and staring down into your eyes,
Fascinated by your blue eyes.
You staring back, penetration my walls with a single glance.
An almost kiss, a panicked moment.
Both of us dropping obvious hints of our desire.
An amazing kiss, the perfect moment.
Being held by you, the boy I'd grow to love.
Relaxing there, counting the stars with you, was literally the best time I've ever had.
Speechless had followed, the conversation lulled.
We walked back to my car in a companionable silence.
Once we walked out of our bubble, we felt the world come crashing down on us.
Feeling the asphalt burn the soles of my feet as we kissed again.
Breaking apart, as the breeze ruffled the hem of my dress,
Our mutual whisper of, "Danielle."
Your girlfriend.
Both of us, being naive, chose to live for the moment.
Chose to pretend that I wasn't the other girl.
Days passed by, and we fell for each other.
Yet, you continued to cling to Danielle.
We clung to one another, neither one willing to do what we knew was right.
Some say that you played both of us.
I say that you and I played her, and then you played me at the very end.
I am just as fault as you are.
I was just as capable of stopping it as you were.
But I loved you.
As much as I wanted to deny it, I was the other girlfriend.
I just as guilty as you were, if not more so.
I should have shared the blame.
Two months of secrets, deception, and emotions.
Instead of doing what I knew I should have done and ending us,
I held on.
Gave you dozens of chances to choose me over her,
or at least just choose one of us.
I never pushed you though, which was my fault.
Staying with you was my fault.
Loving you was my fault.
Letting you constantly let me down, constantly break my heart,
was my fault.
Repairing my heart each time,
Pretending you hadn't heart me.
Tape.
Glue.
Anything.
We carried on for two months.
Then you told Samantha that you were breaking up with her.
That you were finally going to choose me.
Little did we know, you lied to me, and to yourself.
Two days later, I caught you with Jordan.
I know you watched me shatter into a million little pieces,
And I know that I shattered you with my words.
The night had turned cold, and I ran from you.
My heart hit the ground, a new lock already in place.
Today, the two of us don't speak.
We dance around one another, avoiding contact.
I think you're a jerk,
You think I'm a bitch.
But...
Those times when our eyes do meet,
I know you see the heart I've haphazardly repaired.
And I know you feel the pull between us,
A pull that we ignore.
Can you guess what I see when I look at you?
I see you, and wish that I hadn't been your other girl.
Because of me, you'll be known as a player.
Because of you, I'll be THAT girl.
Forever.
Our labels to live down.

Love

Love (noun): a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 

Love. So much meaning in such a small, four letter word.

You can find quotes about it all over the internet, romance books are written about it, people sing about it.

But what is it?

"A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person."

Yes, that's very true, but it's so much more than that.

Love isn't just something you feel, it's a way that you act, a way that you live.

Love is watching your younger siblings grow up and wondering just what they're going to be one day.

Love is holding your best friend's baby sister, and realizing how much you can love a creature that isn't even your own.

Love is naming people as your brothers or sisters when you already have too many, but you just love them so much it's impossible to see them as anything else.

Love is sacrificing your free time to be with a father who is schizophrenic and trusts you more than anyone else.

Love is giving your last twenty bucks to a poor woman with three kids that she can barely afford to feed.

Love is volunteering at a daycare and falling completely in love with one baby boy, and feeling your heart break because his mother's so poor she can hardly afford to feed him.

Love is being eighteen-years-old with a baby-mama that doesn't want you around and feeling your heart shatter because of that.

Love is wishing you could hold said eighteen-year-old because you can only imagine how bad they must be hurting.

Love is simply being there for someone, listening to what they have to say, holding them as they cry, and wiping away their tears. 

Love is so much more than a four letter word.

Love is an action, a way to live.

Love everyone, especially your enemies.

Remember:

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 

-- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a.

I'd Hate To Be You

I'd hate to be you when you wake up and realize just how far away I've run.
I may be a believer in second chances, even third ones, but I'm not giving you anymore babe.
You've wasted them, and you've wasted my time.
I'm so done with you.
I'm done wishing that you were still mine, if you were ever mine.
You...were a waste of time.
I don't wish away my memories, nor do I think I'll ever stop loving you.
But...you were still a waste of time.
You're also a jerk, just so you're aware.
I'm furious with you, to be honest.
You haven't spoken to me in a month, and then you suddenly need my help.
Oh, and you decide to tell me that you were in a car wreck, and that you were hurt.
WHAT. THE. HELL.
Did you call because you knew I was the one person in your life who would be willing to go around the universe and back to help you?
Did you tell me about the wreck because you knew I'd want to know and that I'd flip the fuck out?
Or did you really call because there was a time when we were best friends, and you know just how much I care?
My best guess is that you called because know I'd do anything for you.
Well, fuck that.
I can't be that girl you call just because you need something.
Best friends? Sure, we can be friends.
But only after you get your priorities straight.
My heart is in the right place for once.
Where's yours?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
I'll still be there you for you, but I'll be miles away.
I'd hate to be you when you realize what you've lost.

Strength

I've never really thought about strength before, or whether I was strong.
I guess I've always assumed that I'm not.
However, I had a lovely argument with Megan, Sammi, and Bernard the other night after finding out some disturbing news.
Two people, that I trusted to at least respect my privacy, didn't.
I found out that they read my journal, something so personal that even Sammi hasn't read it.
My deepest, darkest secrets are in that little book, and now people know them.
I was also informed that they took pictures of some of the pages, and actually sent them out to people.
Needless to say, that HURT.
I felt like I'd been emotionally and mentally molested.
I'd hit my knees, and didn't want to get back up.
Most of you reading this got a facebook message about it, explaining that I may not act like myself for a while.  Bernard was the first to respond, and upon filling him in, I realized he was mad. Madder than I was.
I'm not the sort of person to let people fight my battles, nor will I let them "kill" those responsible.
Sammi and Megan got equally pissed, I'm lucky that I didn't have company that night. Company that came with baseball bats and some serious anger.
Anyway, Bernard has what I like to call "Bernard's Dictionary of Definitions to Prove Mareena Wrong", and he uses it against me all the freakin' time.
I made the mistake of telling him that I'm not a strong a person, so, naturally, he pulls one of those definitions out of his "mind catalog", and starts contradicting me.
This is what I got: "Courage takes strength. In fact, it's in the definition. Courage is the strength to overcome and obstacle, whether it be fear, social stigmas, or peer pressures."
Megan and Sammi put in their two cents, basically agreeing with Bernard, just in longer paragraphs.
I finally broke down and agreed, especially after Sammi pointed out that I think like an artist, and that I have a cow when someone accuses me of being a coward.
So, when I woke up this morning, I was feeling very inquisitive.
The first question I asked myself was: How am I strong?
I've been thinking about it all day, on and off between my other questions.
My answer?
I always get back up when I fall down.
I fight for the things that are worth fighting for, but have the strength to let go of the things that aren't.
When I'm at my most vulnerable is actually when I'm at my strongest.
I hate being afraid, and face my fears because they piss me off.
I told someone how I feel about them, even though they probably won't have the same feelings for me.
But the biggest reason is this: I always get back up when someone knocks me down.
Yeah, my privacy was invaded, and some of my secrets are out for the world to see.
But you know what?
To hell with it, it doesn't even matter.
Why?
Because I'm already standing back up.

Do You Even Fuckin' Have A Clue?

Do you even fuckin' have a clue?
Yes? Maybe? No?
Well, here's a little view inside my head.
I have a huge crush on my best guy friend.
Yes, it's shocking, I know.
A couple days ago, I told him that he'll always have a little piece of my heart.
His response? "And the same goes for you."
At first, I wasn't sure if he was saying that to what I stated previously, or something else. Our conversation can be a bit confusing sometimes. It turns out that he was saying that in response, so I guess I have a little piece of his heart too.
He's always surprising me too. I went to see him that same day (before any of that was said of course), and he seemed genuinely pleased to see me, almost like he missed me or something.
THEN, later on, he complimented me. It threw me for a loop, and I turned a lovely cherry red color. I'm sure it was very attractive...or at least that's what Sarah tells me.
It's been close to six months since someone's made me smile like he did.
It doesn't really help that my emotions concerning him have always been fuzzy, the lines always a little blurry.
I'm not sure about him, and it's always been like that. I've let myself get close to him, and I don't usually let myself get very close to anyone of the male gender. So, naturally, my first instinct is to push him away.
That never happens.
Instead, I find myself being drawn towards him, almost like an invisible line is pulling me closer to him.
I can even forget about Jacob whenever he's around, which something that even Sammi has trouble accomplishing.
But throughout all these beautiful thoughts, I still don't know how I feel about him.
There's always going to be a part me that likes him, I know that. He does have a piece of my heart after all.
Even so, I still tell people no when they ask me if I like him.
But.. I don't know if I like him or not. And I don't like lying.
Not knowing how I feel is driving me up the wall.
He's the one boy that I shouldn't find confusing, so naturally, he's the one that confuses me the most.
Oh the irony.
He's a constant in my life, someone that is always there for me when I need him.
He truly is my best friend.
He's my sunshine.
I wish that I wasn't afraid to talk to him about these things, I wish that I wasn't afraid of hitting the "Publish Post" button when I finish typing this.
Plus, there's the inevitable physical reactions.
Whenever he smiles at me, whether it's because of something I've said or done, my stomach turns itself inside out, my heart does flips. My heartbeat speeds up, I can't think straight, and I can't help but smile back.
I don't often desire any physical contact that's more than a hug, but, for some reason, you make me crave contact with you.
I'll admit that that's why I like to hug you...well, that and you give amazing hugs.
I don't just crave contact though...I crave YOU.
It's almost ridiculous to be perfectly honest.
You make me want all the little things...a hug here, a smile there.
Any attempt to explain what those mean to me could take years, so I won't do that.
Remember when I kissed you one top of your head the other night? I swear that I felt like electricity was coursing through my body, and that's absolutely insane.
You make me feel things...things that I never expected to feel towards you.
You make me feel like jell-o.
And the tongue thing...ugh.
That is so not cool.
I don't think you realize that you do it, but you do. And you do it often.
As much as I wish it weren't true.. I think I'm falling for you.
It's not wise, and I don't know if anything good will come out of this.
I ask if you even fuckin' have a clue, and you might.
You seem to know what I'm thinking before I can even tell you.
But, I have to ask anyway, just because I'm absolutely crazy.
Do you even fuckin' have a clue?

Defying Gravity

Distance is something that I am definitely not a stranger too.
I like it, and I generally keep an extraordinary amount between myself and the majority of the people I meet.
Lately, I've found myself drifting closer towards a couple people, one in particular.
It's all very unlike me, I like to keep two or three close friends, and hold the rest at arms length. I know it isn't exactly a healthy thing to do, but I've been fucked over too many times for me to trust very many people. It really isn't anything personal, I just let my past hold me back.
Well, I'm done with all that nonsense.
There's a song from Wicked that made me FINALLY grasp just how far back I've let my past hold me, just how far I've let it drag me down.
The song is called Defying Gravity, which is fitting.
"I think I'll try defying gravity, and you won't bring me down."
My favorite line in the entire song, mainly because there is one figure from my past that holds me back and haunts my nightmares.
You see, I was molested my sophomore year of high school, by the first boy I ever had strong feelings for, the boy that was supposed to be my best friend. It's a little depressing, to say the very least.
Ever since, I've felt absolutely worthless, more like I was an object that a person. It really didn't help that I saw him every day, and knew that all he wanted from me was sexual favors.
That isn't the only thing that weighs heavily on my mind.
I lost my virginity to a guy that didn't even care about me as a person, just convinced me that he did. I was naive, and very innocent, and had no clue what was happening. It was a gift that should have been given to a guy who loved me, but I just threw it away. I was careless. I didn't realize what I had until it was gone.
I had sex with the guy who molested me, one and half years after that particular incident. I still don't remember if I consented to it or not, I was somewhat intoxicated. I suppose I'll never know, mainly because the one person who was there is the guy, and he will say whatever he has too in order to keep himself out of trouble.
Throughtout my high school career, I lost myself.
For the most part, I feel empty inside.
Now.. I want to change that.
I don't want to be a hermit, and that's what I've become unless I go visit Sammi in Conway.
I don't like to go out, I don't like to hang out with anyone.
I don't want to be held down by something that happened two and half years ago.
I want to be that girl who can overcome what's happen in her past, because trust me, there's plenty.
I want to be that girl who defies gravity.
I know for a fact that I can do it, it's just going to take time.
To be honest, I know that I'll also need to cut myself off from the people I hold nearest and dearest to my heart (except Sammi and Megan of course) in order to come to terms with my past and the things I've done. I know that then, and only then, the nightmares will stop.
Maybe then, I'll be able to look in the mirror and love the person that I see there...
It's time to try defying gravity, and never again will I let you bring me down.