I'm falling on my knees.
My heart is breaking,
I can feel the cracks widen.
The pain goes deeper
Tears fall down my cheeks,
They fall like rain.
I wrap my arms around myself in a weak attempt to hold myself together.
I'm coming apart at the seams.
Someone calls my name,
But there's only me.
Well, me and the devil.
There's darkness all around me,
and I can hear demons laughing.
My personal hell.
I feel cold arms wrap around me, holding me close.
Satan hands me a blade.
Without a thought, I press it to my skin.
My hand shakes, the tears fall faster.
Satan steadies me, pushed the blade deeper.
"Cut," he hisses, "Cut deep."
And I do.
Over and over again, I slice through my skin.
Deep, angry marks appear.
Blood drips onto the gound.
"Stop!"
I hear the voice, the voice who called my name.
But I can't stop, the devil's hold is too strong.
Suddenly, I see a light.
His light.
I start to fight, to run.
My demons chase me, they pull me back.
Lust.
Greed.
Vanity.
Drinking.
Suicide.
All of them pull me back.
Then, something pulls me towards the light.
I reach the edge,
But I hesitate.
Satan and his demons grab my waist,
Spinning me back into the darkness.
I fight them: pushing, shoving, kicking.
A figure appears, His hand is outstretched,
Reaching out to me.
I fight harder,
I grab his hand.
But I slip,
and I fall to the ground.
I curl up, expecting pain.
None comes.
I look up, and I see His face.
He is smiling, holding back the demons.
Holding back Satan.
He throws back his arms, and they all vanish.
Jesus pulls me into His arms,
and He holds me close.
Together, we walk into the light.
-Mareena Gilbert, January 25, 2011.
I wrote that poem after I first saw the Everything skit at church retreat.
It really hit home with me, and still does today.
When I first saw the skit, it was December 2010, and I was a very lost soul back then.
I wasn't exactly suicidal, but I was into self inflicted pain.
I used to cut myself, sometimes multiple times a day.
I've long since stopped doing that, but the scars still marr my skin, leaving it imperfect.
This skit...this song, changed my life.
I found myself thinking about it today after my classes, probably because my iPod shuffled to the song, and I found the poem hidden in my files on my laptop.
It sort of reminded me of how I was feeling a month ago, but I'm definitely didn't get that bad.
"You are the strength,
That keeps me walking.
You are the hope,
That keeps me trusting.
You are the light,
To my soul.
You are my purpose,
You're everything. "
That verse is favorite part of the entire song. It reminds me of my twin, Sammi. She's my strength 99.9% of the time, just as I'm hers.
She's the one that I turn too when I need someone to talk too, or just someone to hold me while I cry. She's the hope that I have that things will work, and she's the light that keeps from succombing to the darkness.
Thank you for being amazing Sammi, and for just being you.
I love you Twin.
I am so much happier now, and I really don't want people to worry because of that poem. I posted it because I feel like it expresses a part of my past, a part of who I was.
I shouldn't have to hide it...right?
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Being Lost...and Being Rediscovered
I can't sleep.
I have way to many thoughts whirling through my head, I swear that I'm about to go insane.
I can't seem to make the thoughts go back into there little folders within my head.
Everything is out there, fighting for my attention.
I'm so hopelessly lost it seems, and I have no clue where to begin finding myself.
The only time I feel like that real me is when I'm with Sammi and Megan, sometimes with Jacob. I suppose it just depends. I'm not exactly afraid to be who I am, I'm just...not quite prepared for people's reactions I suppose.
My friends here in Russellville worry about me, and I understand that some of the things I do aren't exactly normal. Not many people like to shut down, shut out, and write.
But I do.
I like to write, to blog.
It's part of my daily routine in all honesty.
I find it rather soothing.
It helps me to organize and understand what I've got going through my head.
I'll be honest right now: one of the main things I've got in my head is a person. His name is Sean Palmer.
He and I have a lot history, which I won't publicize in this blog out of respect for his privacy. We've been talking lately, much to the disappointment of my Twin. I know that he doesn't deserve my pity, my respect, my love. I know that I shouldn't care about him, nor should I give a shit what he thinks of me.
Unfortunately, I do.
Very few people know this, but Sean was my first love, but not Jacob.
Sean was also the first guy to shatter my heart, and the first guy to make me actually want to lie about what I felt.
What I felt for Jacob is definitely one million times stronger than anything I've ever felt for Sean, but that doesn't excuse the fact that he was still the first guy I fell for.
We've been talking for maybe a couple weeks, and in that short amount of time, I've managed to lose sight of many of the things that are important to me.
With Sean, everything is all about sex.
For those of you who know me well, I'm not very into sex.
I think it's overrated and stupid for the most part.
I've also been talking to my friend Paul Kanatzer for a couple weeks now as well. I've had a teeny tiny crush on him since July or so, and he's a truly an amazing person. The whole time I've been talking to Sean, I've been thinking about some of the things Paul tells me. He sees me as an accepting person, someone who's kind. I suppose that's true, for the most part. He's never seen the dark side of me, the side that does things I don't realy want to do.
To top all of this off: I keep thinking about Sammi and Jacob. I value their opinions above anyone elses (excluding my own of course). Sammi has voiced her disapproval of Sean time and time again, and I haven't even found the guts to tell Jacob what I've been doing.
I woke up this morning with the realization that I was being EXTREMELY STUPID when it came to things.
I've lost sight of what matters most to me over these last two weeks.
I've lost sight of college, and where I want to go in life.
I've lost sight of Jacob, and how strong of a friendship we have.
I've lost sight of my Twin, and how much she means to me.
I've lost sight of my family, and just how much I rely on them.
I've lost sight of everything.
It's time that I take my wake up call and run with it.
I have things that I need to fix, and somethings that I need to end, once and for all.
I know that Jacob doesn't deserve my heart, and he never did.
He and I are meant to be best friends, and that is most likely all we're every going to be.
I can accept that.
I don't feel so lost anymore, but I dont' feel found either.
I suppose I could say that I feel...discovered? No.
I feel like I'm beginning to be discovered. Yeah, that's it.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I don't plan on forgetting it again.
I am Mareena Keigh Gilbert, and I'm beginning to rediscover who I am.
I have way to many thoughts whirling through my head, I swear that I'm about to go insane.
I can't seem to make the thoughts go back into there little folders within my head.
Everything is out there, fighting for my attention.
I'm so hopelessly lost it seems, and I have no clue where to begin finding myself.
The only time I feel like that real me is when I'm with Sammi and Megan, sometimes with Jacob. I suppose it just depends. I'm not exactly afraid to be who I am, I'm just...not quite prepared for people's reactions I suppose.
My friends here in Russellville worry about me, and I understand that some of the things I do aren't exactly normal. Not many people like to shut down, shut out, and write.
But I do.
I like to write, to blog.
It's part of my daily routine in all honesty.
I find it rather soothing.
It helps me to organize and understand what I've got going through my head.
I'll be honest right now: one of the main things I've got in my head is a person. His name is Sean Palmer.
He and I have a lot history, which I won't publicize in this blog out of respect for his privacy. We've been talking lately, much to the disappointment of my Twin. I know that he doesn't deserve my pity, my respect, my love. I know that I shouldn't care about him, nor should I give a shit what he thinks of me.
Unfortunately, I do.
Very few people know this, but Sean was my first love, but not Jacob.
Sean was also the first guy to shatter my heart, and the first guy to make me actually want to lie about what I felt.
What I felt for Jacob is definitely one million times stronger than anything I've ever felt for Sean, but that doesn't excuse the fact that he was still the first guy I fell for.
We've been talking for maybe a couple weeks, and in that short amount of time, I've managed to lose sight of many of the things that are important to me.
With Sean, everything is all about sex.
For those of you who know me well, I'm not very into sex.
I think it's overrated and stupid for the most part.
I've also been talking to my friend Paul Kanatzer for a couple weeks now as well. I've had a teeny tiny crush on him since July or so, and he's a truly an amazing person. The whole time I've been talking to Sean, I've been thinking about some of the things Paul tells me. He sees me as an accepting person, someone who's kind. I suppose that's true, for the most part. He's never seen the dark side of me, the side that does things I don't realy want to do.
To top all of this off: I keep thinking about Sammi and Jacob. I value their opinions above anyone elses (excluding my own of course). Sammi has voiced her disapproval of Sean time and time again, and I haven't even found the guts to tell Jacob what I've been doing.
I woke up this morning with the realization that I was being EXTREMELY STUPID when it came to things.
I've lost sight of what matters most to me over these last two weeks.
I've lost sight of college, and where I want to go in life.
I've lost sight of Jacob, and how strong of a friendship we have.
I've lost sight of my Twin, and how much she means to me.
I've lost sight of my family, and just how much I rely on them.
I've lost sight of everything.
It's time that I take my wake up call and run with it.
I have things that I need to fix, and somethings that I need to end, once and for all.
I know that Jacob doesn't deserve my heart, and he never did.
He and I are meant to be best friends, and that is most likely all we're every going to be.
I can accept that.
I don't feel so lost anymore, but I dont' feel found either.
I suppose I could say that I feel...discovered? No.
I feel like I'm beginning to be discovered. Yeah, that's it.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I don't plan on forgetting it again.
I am Mareena Keigh Gilbert, and I'm beginning to rediscover who I am.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
I'll Run
"I can see it your eyes
You're scared
All these things they force you to do aren't fair
I'm here to chase away these tears
Baby, we can chase away these fears.
Because sometimes baby
You fall on your back
But girl, you're three times the lady I'll ever have
and you know, you now it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose.
And I'll run
Have a litle faith in me
You're scared and alone
And I'll run
This where we both break free
I'll bring you home, you home, you home.
I can hear it in your voice
You care
Let me run my fingers through your hair
I'll keep you company at night
Baby, I'm here to make this right."
85. I run when I feel like I should.
For those of you who read the 101 Things blog, number 85 definitely describes me the best.
As my friend Taylor said, it describes me in a nutshell.
When I was in Conway on Wednesday, I decided to spend some time with my Twin, Samantha Weldon. She introduced me to a band called The Cab, and the first song that I ever heard by them was called "I'll Run".
I knew that I'd like it just by the title, but it wasn't what I was expecting.
Someone was running towards someone, rather than away.
This was a new concept to me, I"ll admit it. But I really liked the song, and it reminded me of some old conversations that I'd had with my best friend, Jacob.
"I can see it in your eyes,
You're scared.
All the things they force you to do aren't fair
I'm here to chase away these tears,
Baby we can chase away these fears."
Yes, I was scared. I was scared of falling in love, of being in love, and of losing the one that I loved. I've been molested and raped, which aren't fair. Jacob chased away the tears that I cried because of it, and he helped to chase away the nightmares.
"Because sometimes baby
You fall on your back.
But girl, you're three times the lady I'll ever have.
And you know, you know it's true.
This is a fight I refuse to lose."
I fell hard, and he caught me. He thought that I deserved better than him, and I suppose that to some that was true. I didn't want any better, and for a very long time, he refused to let me go.
"And I'll run,
Have a little faith in me.
You're scared and alone,
This is where we both break free
I'll bring you home, you home, you home."
One night, after we got in a fight, Jacob followed me through five cities, two counties, and several very dangerous, curvy roads at midnight. He was afraid that if he didn't, he would lose me forever. He made feel free, and almost like I was home when I was with him.
"I can hear it in your voice,
You care.
Let me run my fingers through your hair.
I'll keep you company at night
Baby, I'm here to make this right."
Regardless of what's between us now, he cared about me, and I could always tell. He made me feel like everything was alright, and he loved me.
I'd definitely be lying if I said that I don't miss Jacob, but I think that I've reached that stage where I'm starting to move on while not exactly letting go. I like someone else, but I'll always treasure the memories that I have of me and Jacob.
"I'll Run" by The Cab defnitely helped me realize a few things.
This song speaks to me, and it's my new favorite. My roommate is probably going to shoot me because I listen to it so much.
Thanks Twin, I'm so glad that you introduced me to it.
You're scared
All these things they force you to do aren't fair
I'm here to chase away these tears
Baby, we can chase away these fears.
Because sometimes baby
You fall on your back
But girl, you're three times the lady I'll ever have
and you know, you now it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose.
And I'll run
Have a litle faith in me
You're scared and alone
And I'll run
This where we both break free
I'll bring you home, you home, you home.
I can hear it in your voice
You care
Let me run my fingers through your hair
I'll keep you company at night
Baby, I'm here to make this right."
85. I run when I feel like I should.
For those of you who read the 101 Things blog, number 85 definitely describes me the best.
As my friend Taylor said, it describes me in a nutshell.
When I was in Conway on Wednesday, I decided to spend some time with my Twin, Samantha Weldon. She introduced me to a band called The Cab, and the first song that I ever heard by them was called "I'll Run".
I knew that I'd like it just by the title, but it wasn't what I was expecting.
Someone was running towards someone, rather than away.
This was a new concept to me, I"ll admit it. But I really liked the song, and it reminded me of some old conversations that I'd had with my best friend, Jacob.
"I can see it in your eyes,
You're scared.
All the things they force you to do aren't fair
I'm here to chase away these tears,
Baby we can chase away these fears."
Yes, I was scared. I was scared of falling in love, of being in love, and of losing the one that I loved. I've been molested and raped, which aren't fair. Jacob chased away the tears that I cried because of it, and he helped to chase away the nightmares.
"Because sometimes baby
You fall on your back.
But girl, you're three times the lady I'll ever have.
And you know, you know it's true.
This is a fight I refuse to lose."
I fell hard, and he caught me. He thought that I deserved better than him, and I suppose that to some that was true. I didn't want any better, and for a very long time, he refused to let me go.
"And I'll run,
Have a little faith in me.
You're scared and alone,
This is where we both break free
I'll bring you home, you home, you home."
One night, after we got in a fight, Jacob followed me through five cities, two counties, and several very dangerous, curvy roads at midnight. He was afraid that if he didn't, he would lose me forever. He made feel free, and almost like I was home when I was with him.
"I can hear it in your voice,
You care.
Let me run my fingers through your hair.
I'll keep you company at night
Baby, I'm here to make this right."
Regardless of what's between us now, he cared about me, and I could always tell. He made me feel like everything was alright, and he loved me.
I'd definitely be lying if I said that I don't miss Jacob, but I think that I've reached that stage where I'm starting to move on while not exactly letting go. I like someone else, but I'll always treasure the memories that I have of me and Jacob.
"I'll Run" by The Cab defnitely helped me realize a few things.
This song speaks to me, and it's my new favorite. My roommate is probably going to shoot me because I listen to it so much.
Thanks Twin, I'm so glad that you introduced me to it.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Valarie
Thursday, September 15, 2011, I found out that my aunt died in a head on car wreck Wednesday night. As if that didn't suck enough, I found out via facebook.
Her name was Valarie Robertson Payne, and she wasn't really my aunt. She was my biological father's best friend, the sister he always wanted because he didn't like my mother.
She was amazing.
I can't even begin to describe how much she meant to me, and I hate that I hadn't made any time to call her in the last few months. She was always there for me, no matter what was going on. She came and picked me up one night after I got into a fight with my mother.
Valarie was...the best.
Her death hit me hard, and I'm just now feeling the full effects.
I'll never hear her voice again, never hear her tell me how much she loves me, how much I mean to her.
It's going to be a long time before I can fully accept that she's gone, and not coming back.
She meant so much to me, still does.
She'll always hold a special place in my heart, and I'll always miss her.
Her name was Valarie Robertson Payne, and she wasn't really my aunt. She was my biological father's best friend, the sister he always wanted because he didn't like my mother.
She was amazing.
I can't even begin to describe how much she meant to me, and I hate that I hadn't made any time to call her in the last few months. She was always there for me, no matter what was going on. She came and picked me up one night after I got into a fight with my mother.
Valarie was...the best.
Her death hit me hard, and I'm just now feeling the full effects.
I'll never hear her voice again, never hear her tell me how much she loves me, how much I mean to her.
It's going to be a long time before I can fully accept that she's gone, and not coming back.
She meant so much to me, still does.
She'll always hold a special place in my heart, and I'll always miss her.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
"You're Just a Daydream Away"
Daydreams.
I've been having them a lot lately, especially since I've moved to Russellville.
The object of my daydreams is still living in Cabot, an hour and a half away from me. That may not seem very far, but it is. For me at least.
It's weird going from seeing him every single day to seeing him once a month, if I'm lucky. The boy's always busy, working or in school.
More often than not lately, I find myself drifting off in close, but only consciously. Physically, I'm still wide awake, I just can't actively participate. My mind is far away from the dull confines of classrooms.
I tend to spend the majority of my days at Lake Pickthorn, laying on the levee in Jacob's arms. Another popular one is sitting in the back of Taylor's truck talking to him.
If I'm being honest, I really miss those days.
I miss being able to have conversations like that with my best friend. I miss being held by him.
All Time Low's song, "A Daydream Away", is actually very fitting to this mood of mine.
Ever since Megan and Sammi introduced me to them at the beginning of the summer, I've found at least one song for each of my moods.
Jacob is just a daydream away, no matter where I'm at or what time of day. I wouldn't really know what to say if he was actually mine again, so maybe daysdreams are the best place to keep him...
Or maybe not.
I'd be lying if I said that I'm okay with this.
I've been having them a lot lately, especially since I've moved to Russellville.
The object of my daydreams is still living in Cabot, an hour and a half away from me. That may not seem very far, but it is. For me at least.
It's weird going from seeing him every single day to seeing him once a month, if I'm lucky. The boy's always busy, working or in school.
More often than not lately, I find myself drifting off in close, but only consciously. Physically, I'm still wide awake, I just can't actively participate. My mind is far away from the dull confines of classrooms.
I tend to spend the majority of my days at Lake Pickthorn, laying on the levee in Jacob's arms. Another popular one is sitting in the back of Taylor's truck talking to him.
If I'm being honest, I really miss those days.
I miss being able to have conversations like that with my best friend. I miss being held by him.
All Time Low's song, "A Daydream Away", is actually very fitting to this mood of mine.
Ever since Megan and Sammi introduced me to them at the beginning of the summer, I've found at least one song for each of my moods.
Jacob is just a daydream away, no matter where I'm at or what time of day. I wouldn't really know what to say if he was actually mine again, so maybe daysdreams are the best place to keep him...
Or maybe not.
I'd be lying if I said that I'm okay with this.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Blogs
Yesterday, I decided that I was going to delete my old blog (Things I Remember), and actually went so far as to delete all the posts in it, and repost them here. It's unfortunate that I realized after deleting the blogs that I really didn't want to delete Things I Remember, I just wanted a new blog where I could post my more personal, more private thoughts. I don't plan on publicizing this to very many people, especially since these are the personal blogs most people wouldn't usually get to see.
I don't like having my raw emotions out in the open. It's just..not me.
So even though all the blogs from Things I Remember, are posted on here, this will be the blog of pure emotion. I'm laying it all out in here for a few of my close friends to read, so I hope they realize just how special they are to me if I'm allowing them to read this.
(by the way, Things I Remember is still being used, and there will be new posts in it eventually...I hope.)
I don't like having my raw emotions out in the open. It's just..not me.
So even though all the blogs from Things I Remember, are posted on here, this will be the blog of pure emotion. I'm laying it all out in here for a few of my close friends to read, so I hope they realize just how special they are to me if I'm allowing them to read this.
(by the way, Things I Remember is still being used, and there will be new posts in it eventually...I hope.)
Pages
My pages are clearly and precisely written.
I know this, just as I know that my story is written on my skin.
I'm actually easy to read, more difficult to understand. Most people choose not to read me becase of the story my pages hold.
For example, when I wear dresses or shorts, the first thing people see are the scars.
Yes, I used to cut, quite frequently in fact. It's one of the chapters that I used to keep hidden, especially when it was freshly written.
It's a chapter written in blood, and full of pain.
My friends still avert their eyes whenever any of my scars are visible, it's almost weird to watch their eyes glance at them before darting away. I suppose that I should be used to it by now.
It took me a long time to realize that seeing what I'd done to myself hurt them more than the actual cuts had hurt me.
Someone once told me that I have this aura of pure sadness. For the most part, I agree. I am by no means depressed, I'm actually a generally happy person.
I do feel things deeply, even emotions that aren't my own.
That too, is written on my pages.
Anyone who takes the time to get to know me can tell that I'm empathetic.
I have sixteen siblings, all of them mean the world to me. Anyone who talks to me knows that.
My five best friends mean everything to me, and I'd do ANYTHING for them.
I'm also pretty sure that there are music notes dancing across my skin as well. Music is in my soul, I'm almost always singing a song, or remembering a piece of sheet music I've seen.
I'm a musician as well as a writer.
Anyone who gets close enough to read AND understand me is special. I'm not exactly complex, but I'm not simply easy.
Some, like Steven, choose not to read me for fear of offending me.
Others, like Taylor, devour the story and eagerly wait for more.
To be honest, I really don't care who reads me or who doesn't, I have one thing that I always say, a sort of warning: You may not like what I see.
My story is written and here to read.
Love it. Hate it. I don't really care.
It is my story after all.
I know this, just as I know that my story is written on my skin.
I'm actually easy to read, more difficult to understand. Most people choose not to read me becase of the story my pages hold.
For example, when I wear dresses or shorts, the first thing people see are the scars.
Yes, I used to cut, quite frequently in fact. It's one of the chapters that I used to keep hidden, especially when it was freshly written.
It's a chapter written in blood, and full of pain.
My friends still avert their eyes whenever any of my scars are visible, it's almost weird to watch their eyes glance at them before darting away. I suppose that I should be used to it by now.
It took me a long time to realize that seeing what I'd done to myself hurt them more than the actual cuts had hurt me.
Someone once told me that I have this aura of pure sadness. For the most part, I agree. I am by no means depressed, I'm actually a generally happy person.
I do feel things deeply, even emotions that aren't my own.
That too, is written on my pages.
Anyone who takes the time to get to know me can tell that I'm empathetic.
I have sixteen siblings, all of them mean the world to me. Anyone who talks to me knows that.
My five best friends mean everything to me, and I'd do ANYTHING for them.
I'm also pretty sure that there are music notes dancing across my skin as well. Music is in my soul, I'm almost always singing a song, or remembering a piece of sheet music I've seen.
I'm a musician as well as a writer.
Anyone who gets close enough to read AND understand me is special. I'm not exactly complex, but I'm not simply easy.
Some, like Steven, choose not to read me for fear of offending me.
Others, like Taylor, devour the story and eagerly wait for more.
To be honest, I really don't care who reads me or who doesn't, I have one thing that I always say, a sort of warning: You may not like what I see.
My story is written and here to read.
Love it. Hate it. I don't really care.
It is my story after all.
Turtles
I feel like a turtle.
Yes, I understand how weird that sounds, but it's so true.
Here lately, I've taken to locking my true personality away inside a box somewhere in my soul.
I look at this like a turtle hiding itself.
I pull my head in so to speak, and snuggle down in a shell that's meant to protect me from any harm that may head my direction.
It's unfortunate that it doesn't alway work. It sucks when the person who has the power to break you in so many ways is the only person who can draw you out of your shell. It drives me crazy for the most part.
I woke up this morning a very bitter, very bitchy mood. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to go to class, but most of all, I didn't want to face the world. I know that the world didn't necessarily wrong me in anyway whatsoever, but I didn't particularly care this.
I started texting my "twin", Samantha, and she pointed how cold and bitter I was being. She's one of those people who knows me better than I know myself, probably because we're so similar.
I told her that I was just going to leave him, my best friend in the whole world, and shatter his heart like he had mine. She then pointed out that it wasn't like me to think like that, nor would I actually shatter his heart because I don't like it when he's hurting. I've told her several times that when his heart breaks, mine does too. I mean it, it's the honest to God truth.
Anyway, throughout the rest of the day, I slowly realized that I wasn't acting like myself.
I mean, I wasn't being a witch to anyone or anything, I just wasn't myself. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to break my phone in half, I wanted to scream at the top of lungs that I hated him (which is far from the truth). I was locking my true personality up, and it wasn't handling the confines of that teeny tiny safe well. I've gotten so used to being myself in last few months, that my initial gut reactions don't work anymore.
Example: I used to run when things scared me, but now the person I run too is probably the person who scares me the most.
Therefore, I can't lock up my personality up anymore. It pretty much goes back to the turtle thing.
I CAN'T BE A TURTLE ANYMORE.
It just doesn't work that way, and I can't run either.
I've been really down these couple days, but I'll be damned if I'm going to keep it up.
I REFUSE TO LET HIM GET ME DOWN ANYMORE.
I'm going to fight for what I want, and do what I think I need to do. I don't really care what people think of me at this point, I am who I am.
As my friend Ashlyn says, I am beautiful, no matter what they say. I didn't even realize that until I looked in the mirror, and looked past the reflection. I saw who I am, and I saw who I want to be in the future. I have to say, I may not like the physical appearance of the mirror, but you know what? That doesn't matter, it's what's on the inside.
I may be falling apart at the seams, and I definitely feel like I'm losing my mind, but that's okay.
I'll patch myself up, and just keep going. I know what I want, and I know where I'm going. I don't really know exactly I'm going to obtain it just yet, but I'll find a way. If it's meant to be, things will sort themselves out, but that doesn't that I need to just sit around and let things happen. I don't have to accept people's bullshit, and I won't, not anymore. I can make my own path to where I need to be.
I'm going to be the person who decides to stand on a mountain top with a baseball bat as a meteor hurtles towards earth (thanks for that Logan).
It's been a rollercoaster week so far, but it can only get better from here. I say that because I'm not going to let it get worse.
I know where I'm going, and being a turtle doesn't fit into those plans.
Well, venting is done for the evening.
....Does anyone else find it weird that this was inspired by turtles?
Yes, I understand how weird that sounds, but it's so true.
Here lately, I've taken to locking my true personality away inside a box somewhere in my soul.
I look at this like a turtle hiding itself.
I pull my head in so to speak, and snuggle down in a shell that's meant to protect me from any harm that may head my direction.
It's unfortunate that it doesn't alway work. It sucks when the person who has the power to break you in so many ways is the only person who can draw you out of your shell. It drives me crazy for the most part.
I woke up this morning a very bitter, very bitchy mood. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to go to class, but most of all, I didn't want to face the world. I know that the world didn't necessarily wrong me in anyway whatsoever, but I didn't particularly care this.
I started texting my "twin", Samantha, and she pointed how cold and bitter I was being. She's one of those people who knows me better than I know myself, probably because we're so similar.
I told her that I was just going to leave him, my best friend in the whole world, and shatter his heart like he had mine. She then pointed out that it wasn't like me to think like that, nor would I actually shatter his heart because I don't like it when he's hurting. I've told her several times that when his heart breaks, mine does too. I mean it, it's the honest to God truth.
Anyway, throughout the rest of the day, I slowly realized that I wasn't acting like myself.
I mean, I wasn't being a witch to anyone or anything, I just wasn't myself. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to break my phone in half, I wanted to scream at the top of lungs that I hated him (which is far from the truth). I was locking my true personality up, and it wasn't handling the confines of that teeny tiny safe well. I've gotten so used to being myself in last few months, that my initial gut reactions don't work anymore.
Example: I used to run when things scared me, but now the person I run too is probably the person who scares me the most.
Therefore, I can't lock up my personality up anymore. It pretty much goes back to the turtle thing.
I CAN'T BE A TURTLE ANYMORE.
It just doesn't work that way, and I can't run either.
I've been really down these couple days, but I'll be damned if I'm going to keep it up.
I REFUSE TO LET HIM GET ME DOWN ANYMORE.
I'm going to fight for what I want, and do what I think I need to do. I don't really care what people think of me at this point, I am who I am.
As my friend Ashlyn says, I am beautiful, no matter what they say. I didn't even realize that until I looked in the mirror, and looked past the reflection. I saw who I am, and I saw who I want to be in the future. I have to say, I may not like the physical appearance of the mirror, but you know what? That doesn't matter, it's what's on the inside.
I may be falling apart at the seams, and I definitely feel like I'm losing my mind, but that's okay.
I'll patch myself up, and just keep going. I know what I want, and I know where I'm going. I don't really know exactly I'm going to obtain it just yet, but I'll find a way. If it's meant to be, things will sort themselves out, but that doesn't that I need to just sit around and let things happen. I don't have to accept people's bullshit, and I won't, not anymore. I can make my own path to where I need to be.
I'm going to be the person who decides to stand on a mountain top with a baseball bat as a meteor hurtles towards earth (thanks for that Logan).
It's been a rollercoaster week so far, but it can only get better from here. I say that because I'm not going to let it get worse.
I know where I'm going, and being a turtle doesn't fit into those plans.
Well, venting is done for the evening.
....Does anyone else find it weird that this was inspired by turtles?
My Family
I feel like I have one of the most complicated families in the world.
I've been dwelling on that lately, probably because I'm away at college and sort of miss my mother. I absolutely adore my adoptive mother, no matter how many fights we get into. She's is my mother, and I feel horrible for those few months that I wanted to move out and those two months that I actually lived with my biological mother. A little background: I was adopted my aunt and uncle when I was in the third grade, before that I lived with my grandparents and biological father. My biological father, I call him Turkey (I'll explain later), is a schizophrenic, so he was "unfit" to raise me on his own. My grandparents were my legal guardians, so I grew up absolutely spoiled. In the first grade, I went to live with my aunt and uncle, who later became my mom and dad. I had absolutely no idea who my biological mother was, I had no memories of her as a child. I don't even remember when I first met her, which I suppose is sad.
I have sixteen (yes 16) siblings: 9 sisters and 7 brothers. I guess I should explain that just a little bit...
My biological father remarried twice after divorcing my biological mother.
-Wife number one: Stacey. She already a daughter from a previous marriage named Lexi and she had a son with my father, and they named him Austin.
-Wife number two: Brenda. She had a daughter named Princess and son named Dre from a previous marriage. She and my dad had a son named Jamie. After they split up, she had another son (not with my father) named Kylian. He isn't an actually sibling, but he calls me sissy, so I claim him.
My biological mother remarried after she divorced my father.
-New husband: Pedro. They had three kids together: Pedro, Maria, and Julia. My biological stepfather had an affair, therefore producing a stepsister named Kareena. My brother Pedro has two best friends, John and Dustin, and they are my "adopted" brothers.
My adoptive father remarried after he and my adoptive mother split.
-New wife: Alysha. She had a daughter from a previous marriage, and her name is Cora.
My adoptive mother remarried after she and my dad split.
-New husband: Michael. He had a stepdaughter from his first marriage who treated me like her kid sister. Her name was Melanie, she passed away when I was in eighth grade. He also had two daughters from his first marriage, Malorie and Melissa.
I miss all of my siblings, I'll go ahead and admit that. I love them all with every fiber of my being. Unfortunately, I don't see most of them. When my Turkey (biological father) and Stacey divorced, she took Lexi and Austin and practically disappeared. I haven't seen them since I was about eight years old. I found a picture of me at age three, holding this little tiny baby. It's the first memory I have of any of my siblings, even though Pedro is older. I didn't even he existed until I was in fourth grade though. I didn't even meet Lexi until after Austin was born.
I know playing favorites isn't a nice thing to do, but I have a favorite sibling. I'll openly admit it, and he knows it. My baby brother Jamie is my favorite sibilng. He and I are so alike, it's actually scary. He's half black, and absolutely adorable. I would go to the ends of the earth and back for him. One day when I went to visit him, I found out that his mother was drunk, and that she was letting Prin and Dre smoke weed in the house. Needless to say, I was absolutely pissed, I don't want my thirteen year old brother around that. I talked to my biological father about it, and he told me that Jamie's rarely home anymore because he can't stand the smell of it. I suppose that's reassuring, but Jamie also lives in the ghetto of Jacksonville, about two blocks away from hardcore drug dealers. I want him out of there.
For a long time, I didn't know about Pedro, Kareena, Maria, or Julia. They were a taboo subject in the house, because they were my biological mother's children. I met Pedro on the school bus one day in August, I don't remember what grade I was in. He invited me to his birthday party, and I met Kareena, Maria, and Julia. I remember wanting to cry because until then, I had no idea that I had three other sisters. I moved out of my house in January 2011, and moved in with Patricia (my biological mother). I wanted to get to know her, find out why she hadn't wanted me way back when. I still don't know why...and looking back, moving out was a huge mistake. I missed sixteen years of Pedro's life, and John and Dustin's. I didn't want to miss Maria and Julia's as well. Now..it looks like I don't really have a choice. Ever since I moved back in with my mother, the woman who raised me, Patricia isn't exactly willing to let me back into her house. Especially since I stopped visiting after she and my brother told me that I needed to change my personality. It hurt to know that the people who were supposed to me love unconditionally didn't. I slowly began to realize that. I miss all six of my siblings, in fact, it hurts. I know that Pedro's birthday is in four days, and I also know that I won't be there for it. Not only because I'm away at school, but because I'm not exactly invited. I know that I'll miss Maria and Julia's too. I can't say I'm thrilled about that. I know that I'll miss Kareena's. That girl was named after me, and I'm not even going to be able to watch her grow up.
I guess God gave me a second chance at being an big sister though. Brenda's youngest, Kylian, is just three years old. He may not be a blood sibling, but I love that baby to death. I remember when he was just a tiny thing, he loved to me held. He calls me sissy, and I honestly think of him as my brother. I will do right by him, and I'll be around to watch him grow up. I plan on visiting them as soon as I'm able too.
I grew up in a loving environment, for the most part. My grandparents and biological father love me to death, and would do anything they possibly could for me. My mother would go to the ends of the earth and back for me. I can't really say I'm happy that it took me eighteen years to realize that, but I've finally grasped that concept. My adoptive father may not be as involved in my life as I would like, but I also understand that it's partially my choosing. When he and my mother divorced, he wasn't around as often, especially since he's military. My biological mother...she's something else. I don't know if she loves me or not. I don't know why she chose to walk away after a visitation and never come back. I don't know why she blames my family for her mistakes, and I don't know why she didn't take the oppurtunity to get to know me when she actually had one. My stepmother wasn't very active in my life in the beginning, but now she's trying, and I appreciate it. My stepfather loves me like I'm his own daughter, and sometimes I think of him as my dad.
But...there is one man above anyone else that has been a father figure to me for years. My godparents, Grant and Dawn Parker. Grant has been there for through EVERYTHING. He was the guy that I went to for permission for "dates" or just outings with friends. He was the man that would threaten the boys I liked. He is the one I rememer acting as a father for me throughout my life. I feel like I owe him more than anyone else, since I'm being honest. He's currently stationed in Japan, but my one of my godsisters is here in the states going to school, and I actually have a trip to Dallas planned. I hope to go to Japan as well, to see him and my godmother, as well as my three godbrothers and my other godsister.
I may have an extremely complex family, but I love them all, even the ones who don't love me. I've been dwelling on them a lot lately, more than I usually do. I want to fix all the frayed and broken relationships that I have going on right now. Maybe one day I can, but for now I'm going to concentrate on being the best that I can be, and be the big sister that I know I can be.
I've been dwelling on that lately, probably because I'm away at college and sort of miss my mother. I absolutely adore my adoptive mother, no matter how many fights we get into. She's is my mother, and I feel horrible for those few months that I wanted to move out and those two months that I actually lived with my biological mother. A little background: I was adopted my aunt and uncle when I was in the third grade, before that I lived with my grandparents and biological father. My biological father, I call him Turkey (I'll explain later), is a schizophrenic, so he was "unfit" to raise me on his own. My grandparents were my legal guardians, so I grew up absolutely spoiled. In the first grade, I went to live with my aunt and uncle, who later became my mom and dad. I had absolutely no idea who my biological mother was, I had no memories of her as a child. I don't even remember when I first met her, which I suppose is sad.
I have sixteen (yes 16) siblings: 9 sisters and 7 brothers. I guess I should explain that just a little bit...
My biological father remarried twice after divorcing my biological mother.
-Wife number one: Stacey. She already a daughter from a previous marriage named Lexi and she had a son with my father, and they named him Austin.
-Wife number two: Brenda. She had a daughter named Princess and son named Dre from a previous marriage. She and my dad had a son named Jamie. After they split up, she had another son (not with my father) named Kylian. He isn't an actually sibling, but he calls me sissy, so I claim him.
My biological mother remarried after she divorced my father.
-New husband: Pedro. They had three kids together: Pedro, Maria, and Julia. My biological stepfather had an affair, therefore producing a stepsister named Kareena. My brother Pedro has two best friends, John and Dustin, and they are my "adopted" brothers.
My adoptive father remarried after he and my adoptive mother split.
-New wife: Alysha. She had a daughter from a previous marriage, and her name is Cora.
My adoptive mother remarried after she and my dad split.
-New husband: Michael. He had a stepdaughter from his first marriage who treated me like her kid sister. Her name was Melanie, she passed away when I was in eighth grade. He also had two daughters from his first marriage, Malorie and Melissa.
I miss all of my siblings, I'll go ahead and admit that. I love them all with every fiber of my being. Unfortunately, I don't see most of them. When my Turkey (biological father) and Stacey divorced, she took Lexi and Austin and practically disappeared. I haven't seen them since I was about eight years old. I found a picture of me at age three, holding this little tiny baby. It's the first memory I have of any of my siblings, even though Pedro is older. I didn't even he existed until I was in fourth grade though. I didn't even meet Lexi until after Austin was born.
I know playing favorites isn't a nice thing to do, but I have a favorite sibling. I'll openly admit it, and he knows it. My baby brother Jamie is my favorite sibilng. He and I are so alike, it's actually scary. He's half black, and absolutely adorable. I would go to the ends of the earth and back for him. One day when I went to visit him, I found out that his mother was drunk, and that she was letting Prin and Dre smoke weed in the house. Needless to say, I was absolutely pissed, I don't want my thirteen year old brother around that. I talked to my biological father about it, and he told me that Jamie's rarely home anymore because he can't stand the smell of it. I suppose that's reassuring, but Jamie also lives in the ghetto of Jacksonville, about two blocks away from hardcore drug dealers. I want him out of there.
For a long time, I didn't know about Pedro, Kareena, Maria, or Julia. They were a taboo subject in the house, because they were my biological mother's children. I met Pedro on the school bus one day in August, I don't remember what grade I was in. He invited me to his birthday party, and I met Kareena, Maria, and Julia. I remember wanting to cry because until then, I had no idea that I had three other sisters. I moved out of my house in January 2011, and moved in with Patricia (my biological mother). I wanted to get to know her, find out why she hadn't wanted me way back when. I still don't know why...and looking back, moving out was a huge mistake. I missed sixteen years of Pedro's life, and John and Dustin's. I didn't want to miss Maria and Julia's as well. Now..it looks like I don't really have a choice. Ever since I moved back in with my mother, the woman who raised me, Patricia isn't exactly willing to let me back into her house. Especially since I stopped visiting after she and my brother told me that I needed to change my personality. It hurt to know that the people who were supposed to me love unconditionally didn't. I slowly began to realize that. I miss all six of my siblings, in fact, it hurts. I know that Pedro's birthday is in four days, and I also know that I won't be there for it. Not only because I'm away at school, but because I'm not exactly invited. I know that I'll miss Maria and Julia's too. I can't say I'm thrilled about that. I know that I'll miss Kareena's. That girl was named after me, and I'm not even going to be able to watch her grow up.
I guess God gave me a second chance at being an big sister though. Brenda's youngest, Kylian, is just three years old. He may not be a blood sibling, but I love that baby to death. I remember when he was just a tiny thing, he loved to me held. He calls me sissy, and I honestly think of him as my brother. I will do right by him, and I'll be around to watch him grow up. I plan on visiting them as soon as I'm able too.
I grew up in a loving environment, for the most part. My grandparents and biological father love me to death, and would do anything they possibly could for me. My mother would go to the ends of the earth and back for me. I can't really say I'm happy that it took me eighteen years to realize that, but I've finally grasped that concept. My adoptive father may not be as involved in my life as I would like, but I also understand that it's partially my choosing. When he and my mother divorced, he wasn't around as often, especially since he's military. My biological mother...she's something else. I don't know if she loves me or not. I don't know why she chose to walk away after a visitation and never come back. I don't know why she blames my family for her mistakes, and I don't know why she didn't take the oppurtunity to get to know me when she actually had one. My stepmother wasn't very active in my life in the beginning, but now she's trying, and I appreciate it. My stepfather loves me like I'm his own daughter, and sometimes I think of him as my dad.
But...there is one man above anyone else that has been a father figure to me for years. My godparents, Grant and Dawn Parker. Grant has been there for through EVERYTHING. He was the guy that I went to for permission for "dates" or just outings with friends. He was the man that would threaten the boys I liked. He is the one I rememer acting as a father for me throughout my life. I feel like I owe him more than anyone else, since I'm being honest. He's currently stationed in Japan, but my one of my godsisters is here in the states going to school, and I actually have a trip to Dallas planned. I hope to go to Japan as well, to see him and my godmother, as well as my three godbrothers and my other godsister.
I may have an extremely complex family, but I love them all, even the ones who don't love me. I've been dwelling on them a lot lately, more than I usually do. I want to fix all the frayed and broken relationships that I have going on right now. Maybe one day I can, but for now I'm going to concentrate on being the best that I can be, and be the big sister that I know I can be.
Untitled
I have way to many thoughts going through my head right now....I guess that it's time I got them out.
I'm in a very blah mood. Ever since I started college, I've felt like a totally different person, and I can't say that I like it very much.
I'm sort of reverting back to my old ways, I don't like to socialize much anymore.
However, I don't know if it's because I don't trust people, or if it's because I miss my friends from home too much.
Right now, I can't really put my finger on the day I started to become a hermit again, but I know it's happening. Which, I might add, shouldn't be possible since I have a roommate.
Honestly, I feel like I'm falling apart on the inside. My heart isn't healing as fast as I would like it too, and I just feel...alone. I can't really explain it. I've started talking to my friend Taylor more often now because he is one of the few people that I feel completely understands me. It sort of bothers me that I feel misunderstood all the time, by everyone.
I know that people judge harshly, but things aren't always what they seem.
To most people, I'm boring, or just a bitch. It isn't that I don't like people, I just...don't like a lot of people.
I absolutely adore Kayla (my roommate), Cassie, Keifer, Ashlyn, Leaundra, and some of the other people that I'm going to college with. There are just those times that I want..or rather need to be alone.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't love taking showers in the mornings, not only because I'm absolutely terrified of germs, but because I can be alone with my thoughts and whatever song my iPod shuffles too.
I can't even begin to explain why those twenty minutes are so precious to me, but here lately, it seems like I live in a world full of people, when I used to live in a world full of music notes. Every where I look there's a person, someone new. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I do think that it'll take some getting used too. It shouldn't that big of a deal though, I'm actually looking forward to reaching across my old boundaries and establishing new ones, that's my goal for Monday.
I woke up this afternoon with approxiamately one million thoughts going through my head. For about a month now, my first thought in the morning has been about HIM. But today...my first thought was about someone entirely different. I was surprised, and I honestly have NO CLUE why this guy was on my mind this morning. It was a pleasant change, but shocking as well. I love the guy I woke up thinking about, but I haven't really had romantic feelings for him besides a very small crush four months ago. But..I woke up thinking about how cute he was, and how sweet. He's one of those people that gets me, and likes me for who I am. He's so...different.
I talked to my two best girl friends, and they both said "oh lord". I'm not sure if they approve or not, but oh well. I told one of them about a erm..dream that I had about him, two nights in a row. She laughed at me and told me that it just means that I find him physically attractive, which is definitely true.
It's taking all my self control to not erase those last two paragraphs...mainly because I know that the guy I'm talking about is probably going to read this, but that's alright, maybe he won't figure it out (doubtful).
My next thoughts of the day were "OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS."
Yes, original I know. Just as I thought I had settled into the easy flow of a non-relationship just friends thing with a good friend of mine, this happens. I actually have a "date" with my non-relationship just friends guy. I want to go, I really do, and it's honestly killing me that I may or may not have feelings for this other guy. I will go ahead and admit that I feel like a terrible person, and I kind of feel like a slut. I've been thinking about my actions for the past two months, and they weren't exactly admirable. I was "dating" this guy that had another girlfriend, in fact, our mutual friends called his actual girlfriend "the other girlfriend". I should have known better than to do that, but I was in love, and I guess that I was blinded. I feel so insanely guilty about it, and I don't even know how to fix that. I just know that I feel awful, and want to forget that I did it. Ironically, as much as I want to forget about it, some of my fondest memories are from those two months. Not all of them involve that boy that I was in love with, but a fair few do.
Lately, I've been thinking about my future, but the more I think about it, the fuzzier it becomes. I can't see anything clearly anymore, probably because I thought that I had it all figured out. I do know that I'm going to major in English, and probably Psychology. However, I discovered that I'm interested in Anthropology. So I may minor that, or I may change Psychology for Anthropology and minor in Psych. I don't know anymore. I like to have things figured out and planned, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that somethings just aren't meant to be, so I don't have as much control as I would like. That honestly bothers me because I like to have a definite plan, just like I love to keep things organized in a way that I understand. But oh well. I think I've finished my ranting for now.
I'm in a very blah mood. Ever since I started college, I've felt like a totally different person, and I can't say that I like it very much.
I'm sort of reverting back to my old ways, I don't like to socialize much anymore.
However, I don't know if it's because I don't trust people, or if it's because I miss my friends from home too much.
Right now, I can't really put my finger on the day I started to become a hermit again, but I know it's happening. Which, I might add, shouldn't be possible since I have a roommate.
Honestly, I feel like I'm falling apart on the inside. My heart isn't healing as fast as I would like it too, and I just feel...alone. I can't really explain it. I've started talking to my friend Taylor more often now because he is one of the few people that I feel completely understands me. It sort of bothers me that I feel misunderstood all the time, by everyone.
I know that people judge harshly, but things aren't always what they seem.
To most people, I'm boring, or just a bitch. It isn't that I don't like people, I just...don't like a lot of people.
I absolutely adore Kayla (my roommate), Cassie, Keifer, Ashlyn, Leaundra, and some of the other people that I'm going to college with. There are just those times that I want..or rather need to be alone.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't love taking showers in the mornings, not only because I'm absolutely terrified of germs, but because I can be alone with my thoughts and whatever song my iPod shuffles too.
I can't even begin to explain why those twenty minutes are so precious to me, but here lately, it seems like I live in a world full of people, when I used to live in a world full of music notes. Every where I look there's a person, someone new. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I do think that it'll take some getting used too. It shouldn't that big of a deal though, I'm actually looking forward to reaching across my old boundaries and establishing new ones, that's my goal for Monday.
I woke up this afternoon with approxiamately one million thoughts going through my head. For about a month now, my first thought in the morning has been about HIM. But today...my first thought was about someone entirely different. I was surprised, and I honestly have NO CLUE why this guy was on my mind this morning. It was a pleasant change, but shocking as well. I love the guy I woke up thinking about, but I haven't really had romantic feelings for him besides a very small crush four months ago. But..I woke up thinking about how cute he was, and how sweet. He's one of those people that gets me, and likes me for who I am. He's so...different.
I talked to my two best girl friends, and they both said "oh lord". I'm not sure if they approve or not, but oh well. I told one of them about a erm..dream that I had about him, two nights in a row. She laughed at me and told me that it just means that I find him physically attractive, which is definitely true.
It's taking all my self control to not erase those last two paragraphs...mainly because I know that the guy I'm talking about is probably going to read this, but that's alright, maybe he won't figure it out (doubtful).
My next thoughts of the day were "OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS."
Yes, original I know. Just as I thought I had settled into the easy flow of a non-relationship just friends thing with a good friend of mine, this happens. I actually have a "date" with my non-relationship just friends guy. I want to go, I really do, and it's honestly killing me that I may or may not have feelings for this other guy. I will go ahead and admit that I feel like a terrible person, and I kind of feel like a slut. I've been thinking about my actions for the past two months, and they weren't exactly admirable. I was "dating" this guy that had another girlfriend, in fact, our mutual friends called his actual girlfriend "the other girlfriend". I should have known better than to do that, but I was in love, and I guess that I was blinded. I feel so insanely guilty about it, and I don't even know how to fix that. I just know that I feel awful, and want to forget that I did it. Ironically, as much as I want to forget about it, some of my fondest memories are from those two months. Not all of them involve that boy that I was in love with, but a fair few do.
Lately, I've been thinking about my future, but the more I think about it, the fuzzier it becomes. I can't see anything clearly anymore, probably because I thought that I had it all figured out. I do know that I'm going to major in English, and probably Psychology. However, I discovered that I'm interested in Anthropology. So I may minor that, or I may change Psychology for Anthropology and minor in Psych. I don't know anymore. I like to have things figured out and planned, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that somethings just aren't meant to be, so I don't have as much control as I would like. That honestly bothers me because I like to have a definite plan, just like I love to keep things organized in a way that I understand. But oh well. I think I've finished my ranting for now.
Wishes
I wish that my emotions would disappear.
I wish that I understood why my dreams were about someone different.
I wish that people understood that I like to blog.
I wish that I could explain why I like to be alone sometimes.
I wish that I didn't have trust issues.
I wish that I could see Taylor, Samantha, and Megan.
I wish that my father actually cared.
I wish that I didn't feel so broken all the time.
I wish that I wasn't such a nerd.
I wish that I was prettier.
I was that I wasn't afraid to let my talents shine.
I was that I was everything he thinks I am.
I wish he didn't think so highly of me.
I wish that I deserved his praise.
I wish that I was more outgoing.
I wish that I didn't judge people.
I wish that I wouldn't care what people think.
I wish that I knew why my biological mother hates me.
I wish that I knew why she doesn't want me.
I wish that I could see all 16 of my siblings.
I wish that I could be around to see two of my baby sisters grow up.
I wish that I'd been able to grow up with all my siblings in one house.
I wish that I could understand my biological father better.
I wish that I wasn't afraid of losing him one day.
I wish that I could have spent more time with my older sister before she died.
I wish that I more confident.
I wish that I was better at math.
I wish that I didn't have to worry about my family.
I wish that I didn't feel like I was disappointing them.
I wish that my biological father wasn't schitzophrenic.
I also wish that there wasn't a chance of him becoming so lost in his hallucinations that he forgets who I am.
I wish that I could get my brother out of the environment he's in.
I wish that my step brother didn't smoke.
I wish that I could balance my different families.
I wish that my biological mother loved me.
I wish that sleep at night without worrying about someone.
I wish that my thoughts didn't swim around in my head like a fish with no direction.
I wish that I had the words to explain myself.
I wish that I had the motivation to write a book.
I wish that I had the courage to talk to a cute boy who flirts with me.
I wish that I didn't have to think about the future and what it may bring.
I wish that I knew where one of my brothers and one of my stepsisters was living.
I wish that there wasn't a chance of one my baby brother's being schizophrenic.
I wish that I didn't have to feel like I was alone in a room full of my family.
I wish that I had set a better example for one of my sisters as she grew up.
I wish that I had tried harder in high school.
I wish that I wasn't so afraid of losing people.
I wish that I didn't care about everything.
I wish that I could forget some of the memories I have.
I wish that I could erase a certain player from my past.
I wish that I could fix my past mistakes.
I wish that I had never met someone.
I wish that I could stop thinking about someone (not the someone everyone thinks I mean).
But most of all, I wish that I didn't have all these wishes.
I wish that I understood why my dreams were about someone different.
I wish that people understood that I like to blog.
I wish that I could explain why I like to be alone sometimes.
I wish that I didn't have trust issues.
I wish that I could see Taylor, Samantha, and Megan.
I wish that my father actually cared.
I wish that I didn't feel so broken all the time.
I wish that I wasn't such a nerd.
I wish that I was prettier.
I was that I wasn't afraid to let my talents shine.
I was that I was everything he thinks I am.
I wish he didn't think so highly of me.
I wish that I deserved his praise.
I wish that I was more outgoing.
I wish that I didn't judge people.
I wish that I wouldn't care what people think.
I wish that I knew why my biological mother hates me.
I wish that I knew why she doesn't want me.
I wish that I could see all 16 of my siblings.
I wish that I could be around to see two of my baby sisters grow up.
I wish that I'd been able to grow up with all my siblings in one house.
I wish that I could understand my biological father better.
I wish that I wasn't afraid of losing him one day.
I wish that I could have spent more time with my older sister before she died.
I wish that I more confident.
I wish that I was better at math.
I wish that I didn't have to worry about my family.
I wish that I didn't feel like I was disappointing them.
I wish that my biological father wasn't schitzophrenic.
I also wish that there wasn't a chance of him becoming so lost in his hallucinations that he forgets who I am.
I wish that I could get my brother out of the environment he's in.
I wish that my step brother didn't smoke.
I wish that I could balance my different families.
I wish that my biological mother loved me.
I wish that sleep at night without worrying about someone.
I wish that my thoughts didn't swim around in my head like a fish with no direction.
I wish that I had the words to explain myself.
I wish that I had the motivation to write a book.
I wish that I had the courage to talk to a cute boy who flirts with me.
I wish that I didn't have to think about the future and what it may bring.
I wish that I knew where one of my brothers and one of my stepsisters was living.
I wish that there wasn't a chance of one my baby brother's being schizophrenic.
I wish that I didn't have to feel like I was alone in a room full of my family.
I wish that I had set a better example for one of my sisters as she grew up.
I wish that I had tried harder in high school.
I wish that I wasn't so afraid of losing people.
I wish that I didn't care about everything.
I wish that I could forget some of the memories I have.
I wish that I could erase a certain player from my past.
I wish that I could fix my past mistakes.
I wish that I had never met someone.
I wish that I could stop thinking about someone (not the someone everyone thinks I mean).
But most of all, I wish that I didn't have all these wishes.
The Soundtrack of My Life
Ever since I left for college, I've turned more towards music, and generally carry my iPod every where now. I listen to twelve songs every single day, whether I'm in the shower, on my way to class, studying in the library, or just laying around my room. Each one holds a particular meaning to me, and honestly helps me clear my head. So here it is..my life soundtrack.
1. Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low.
I wasn't introduced to ATL until this summer, when I started hanging out with Megan and Sammi. I'll admit.. I'm not addicted. I absolutely love the band, but Break Your Little Heart is definitely my favorite song by them. I remember hearing it after a break up, in one of those random jam sessions in Sam's car. I now know all the words, and even random sing it throughout the day. As weird as it is, this song made me realize that things could ALWAYS be worse.
2. Firework by Alex Goot and Tyler Ward.
I first heard this song when Sammi used it for her flag routine. I like it much better than Katy Perry's version (although her's is good too), I grasped the deeper meaning to it much faster with the slower tempo. It's a song that helped me realize that I'm valuable as a person, and that people love me. I just have to learn to let myself shine.
3. Mr. Brightside by the Killers.
I'll admit, this song probably wasn't healthy for me to listen to this past month, but it happens to be one of my favorites, so I couldn't help it. It made me think about all the things I didn't want to think about when it came to my ex..but I knew that I had to get over it sooner or later, so I opted for sooner. Thanks to this amazing song, I can actually listen to it, among others, and not even think about him. It's almost relieving.
4. The Writer by Ellie Goulding.
My friend Taylor introduced me to Ellie Goulding, and I adore her. She's simply amazing. This is one of my absolute favorite songs, and I actually bought it on iTunes three days after hearing it for the first time. I'm not really certain as to why this song appeals to me, but it does. It's just one of those songs.
5. I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin.
Logan introduced me to this particular song, telling me that it describes me. I listen to it every day regardless of how I feel, but I really listen to it when I'm down or feeling weak. He told me that this song makes him think of me because I don't bow under pressure, and I like to think that he's right, at least most of the time. One could say that this song is my strength.
6. Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce
I started listening to this song after a break up, and it honestly describes how I felt afterwards. I don't have much to say except that I'm going to always be the best thing you never had.
7. Lie by David Cook.
I'm a person who values the truth, so I find it ironic that this is one of my songs. I've always hated being lied too, but this song fit my feelings of one month ago perfectly. Therefore, I started listening to it, and it moved up on my scale of liking.
8. Loser Like Me by the cast of Glee
Recently, I became addicted to Glee, and therefore started looking for the songs on youtube. This one happened to pop up one day, so I listened to it. I love this song because in my opinion, I'm a loser, but that doesn't mean that I have to act like one. I don't have to care what everyone else thinks of me, I am me and that's all that matters.
9. She's So Gone by Naomi Scott.
I was watching a random movie on Disney Channel called Lemonade Mouth, and this song was in it. It reminded me of a friend, and then the more I listened to it throughout the summer, I realized it described me as well. I went from that girl who never talked to anyone to the girl who had more friends than she used to want. The old me is gone, and I can officially say that you can look, but you won't see the girl I used to be.
10. Stand by Rascal Flatts.
I used to listen to country all the time when I was younger, but as I grew older, my selection narrowed from all country to certain groups. My main one was Rascal Flatts, and I fell head over heels for this song. I listened to it after a very good friend of mine stopped talking to me, and after I fought world war three with my mother. I don't lay down and let people walk all over me anymore, and I'll never let that happen again.
11. Smile by Uncle Kracker.
I'll be honest... I used to smile because it was expected, not because it was something that I wanted to do. Now.. I have at least five people that make me think of this song, and I smile. Taylor, Jacob, Sammi, Megan, and Steven can ALWAYS make me smile when I'm upset about something. This song makes me think of them, and therefore I smile like the sun.
12. Everything by Lifehouse.
A little background before I explain this one: I was...violated in September 2010, and I attended a Catholic Youth retreat called Search in December 2010. I was exactly thrilled to be there, I'd completely lost my faith in God due to the incident, and it took the "Everything Skit", which is a skit based on this song, to make me realize just how far gone I was. I listen to this song when I'm feeling particularly lost and alone, or just in general to make myself feel better. To this day, the skit makes me cry, as does the song when I'm feeling down.
Well, there it is. The soundtrack of my life.
1. Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low.
I wasn't introduced to ATL until this summer, when I started hanging out with Megan and Sammi. I'll admit.. I'm not addicted. I absolutely love the band, but Break Your Little Heart is definitely my favorite song by them. I remember hearing it after a break up, in one of those random jam sessions in Sam's car. I now know all the words, and even random sing it throughout the day. As weird as it is, this song made me realize that things could ALWAYS be worse.
2. Firework by Alex Goot and Tyler Ward.
I first heard this song when Sammi used it for her flag routine. I like it much better than Katy Perry's version (although her's is good too), I grasped the deeper meaning to it much faster with the slower tempo. It's a song that helped me realize that I'm valuable as a person, and that people love me. I just have to learn to let myself shine.
3. Mr. Brightside by the Killers.
I'll admit, this song probably wasn't healthy for me to listen to this past month, but it happens to be one of my favorites, so I couldn't help it. It made me think about all the things I didn't want to think about when it came to my ex..but I knew that I had to get over it sooner or later, so I opted for sooner. Thanks to this amazing song, I can actually listen to it, among others, and not even think about him. It's almost relieving.
4. The Writer by Ellie Goulding.
My friend Taylor introduced me to Ellie Goulding, and I adore her. She's simply amazing. This is one of my absolute favorite songs, and I actually bought it on iTunes three days after hearing it for the first time. I'm not really certain as to why this song appeals to me, but it does. It's just one of those songs.
5. I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin.
Logan introduced me to this particular song, telling me that it describes me. I listen to it every day regardless of how I feel, but I really listen to it when I'm down or feeling weak. He told me that this song makes him think of me because I don't bow under pressure, and I like to think that he's right, at least most of the time. One could say that this song is my strength.
6. Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce
I started listening to this song after a break up, and it honestly describes how I felt afterwards. I don't have much to say except that I'm going to always be the best thing you never had.
7. Lie by David Cook.
I'm a person who values the truth, so I find it ironic that this is one of my songs. I've always hated being lied too, but this song fit my feelings of one month ago perfectly. Therefore, I started listening to it, and it moved up on my scale of liking.
8. Loser Like Me by the cast of Glee
Recently, I became addicted to Glee, and therefore started looking for the songs on youtube. This one happened to pop up one day, so I listened to it. I love this song because in my opinion, I'm a loser, but that doesn't mean that I have to act like one. I don't have to care what everyone else thinks of me, I am me and that's all that matters.
9. She's So Gone by Naomi Scott.
I was watching a random movie on Disney Channel called Lemonade Mouth, and this song was in it. It reminded me of a friend, and then the more I listened to it throughout the summer, I realized it described me as well. I went from that girl who never talked to anyone to the girl who had more friends than she used to want. The old me is gone, and I can officially say that you can look, but you won't see the girl I used to be.
10. Stand by Rascal Flatts.
I used to listen to country all the time when I was younger, but as I grew older, my selection narrowed from all country to certain groups. My main one was Rascal Flatts, and I fell head over heels for this song. I listened to it after a very good friend of mine stopped talking to me, and after I fought world war three with my mother. I don't lay down and let people walk all over me anymore, and I'll never let that happen again.
11. Smile by Uncle Kracker.
I'll be honest... I used to smile because it was expected, not because it was something that I wanted to do. Now.. I have at least five people that make me think of this song, and I smile. Taylor, Jacob, Sammi, Megan, and Steven can ALWAYS make me smile when I'm upset about something. This song makes me think of them, and therefore I smile like the sun.
12. Everything by Lifehouse.
A little background before I explain this one: I was...violated in September 2010, and I attended a Catholic Youth retreat called Search in December 2010. I was exactly thrilled to be there, I'd completely lost my faith in God due to the incident, and it took the "Everything Skit", which is a skit based on this song, to make me realize just how far gone I was. I listen to this song when I'm feeling particularly lost and alone, or just in general to make myself feel better. To this day, the skit makes me cry, as does the song when I'm feeling down.
Well, there it is. The soundtrack of my life.
Emotions
As the days pass, my emotions become more and more tangled.
To be honest, I'm beginning to hate my emotions. The irony: hate is an emotion. Oh well.
Ever since Saturday afternoon, my emotions have been twisted and wrapped around one another. Confusion has mingled with clarity, bliss with despair. It's all so much to handle at one time...and honestly, I feel like ripping my hair out. I can barely keep up with the long line of emotions flowing through my head.
Excitement. Confusion. Terror. Joy. Lonliness. Love. Anxiety. Pain. Despair. Understanding.
I've never really been one of those people who embraced their emotions, I've actually been the person who tries to deny that they are there. I don't particularly like the fact that all of them are now out in the open, but I suppose that I'm kind of throwing them out there by writing this, and that's all right. Every since the beginning of June, my emotions have been out in the open for most to see. And until recently, I've never really had a reason for my emotions to be all tangled together. Now..now I have all the reasons in the world.
I'm starting college in two days, and will belong to a whole new world. I'm seriously nervous about that. My mother has already informed me that I'm a disappointment to her because I've dropped band. She claims that I'm starting a pattern by dropping a class before they even start, but that isn't the case at all. I dropped band so that I could focus on my academic classes, and hold down a job. So I suppose that despair would be an emotion that fits in here as well. I hate disappointing people, it actually hurts me to do so. One lesson that I've learned though, sometimes you just can't help it. There are some things that are just beyond your control.
Now onto some more complex emotions if you will. As most people know, I fell in love with someone back in June. Well, unfortunately for me, those obnoxiously persistant feelings refuse to fade. They're always there, in the very back of my mind, looming on the horizon, just waiting to pop up at the most inoppurtune moment. It bothers me that my emotions are going to be the one thing that hold me back. Now, a very close guy friend of mine is absolutely in love with me, and didn't tell me until after I fell for a different guy. I don't feel the same way about this guy. Please don't get me wrong, I love him in that friend kind of way, and I care deeply for him. I'll never forget the night he did something extremely stupid, and I remember being so upset that I punched a wall. I also remember that I hurt my hand, badly. In fact, the knuckles are still tender to the touch. I also understand how this guy feels, it really sucks to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. For a while, it was just those two guys, one haunting my every thought, the other trying to win my over.
Now, there's a third guy. He's absolutely amazing, and I'll admit that I like him a lot. He can make me smile, and that's quite the accomplishment these days. Long story short, he kissed me a couple days ago, and while I didn't mind at all, I feel as though it complicated my already tangled emotions.
I'm an OCD person, I just spent about an hour organizing my room. I like things to be organized, and neat for the most part. This tangled web of emotions is starting to anger me.
In fact, I think that I need a break. I need time to think, and time to breathe. I want to embrace being single, maybe go on a few dates, but not get involved in anything serious right now. I don't know if there is over going to be an "us" between the guy who is absolutely in love with me, or the thing with the other guy will go anywhere. Only time will tell, and maybe time will help me untangle this complex web of emotions that I've got clouding my brain.
To be honest, I'm beginning to hate my emotions. The irony: hate is an emotion. Oh well.
Ever since Saturday afternoon, my emotions have been twisted and wrapped around one another. Confusion has mingled with clarity, bliss with despair. It's all so much to handle at one time...and honestly, I feel like ripping my hair out. I can barely keep up with the long line of emotions flowing through my head.
Excitement. Confusion. Terror. Joy. Lonliness. Love. Anxiety. Pain. Despair. Understanding.
I've never really been one of those people who embraced their emotions, I've actually been the person who tries to deny that they are there. I don't particularly like the fact that all of them are now out in the open, but I suppose that I'm kind of throwing them out there by writing this, and that's all right. Every since the beginning of June, my emotions have been out in the open for most to see. And until recently, I've never really had a reason for my emotions to be all tangled together. Now..now I have all the reasons in the world.
I'm starting college in two days, and will belong to a whole new world. I'm seriously nervous about that. My mother has already informed me that I'm a disappointment to her because I've dropped band. She claims that I'm starting a pattern by dropping a class before they even start, but that isn't the case at all. I dropped band so that I could focus on my academic classes, and hold down a job. So I suppose that despair would be an emotion that fits in here as well. I hate disappointing people, it actually hurts me to do so. One lesson that I've learned though, sometimes you just can't help it. There are some things that are just beyond your control.
Now onto some more complex emotions if you will. As most people know, I fell in love with someone back in June. Well, unfortunately for me, those obnoxiously persistant feelings refuse to fade. They're always there, in the very back of my mind, looming on the horizon, just waiting to pop up at the most inoppurtune moment. It bothers me that my emotions are going to be the one thing that hold me back. Now, a very close guy friend of mine is absolutely in love with me, and didn't tell me until after I fell for a different guy. I don't feel the same way about this guy. Please don't get me wrong, I love him in that friend kind of way, and I care deeply for him. I'll never forget the night he did something extremely stupid, and I remember being so upset that I punched a wall. I also remember that I hurt my hand, badly. In fact, the knuckles are still tender to the touch. I also understand how this guy feels, it really sucks to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. For a while, it was just those two guys, one haunting my every thought, the other trying to win my over.
Now, there's a third guy. He's absolutely amazing, and I'll admit that I like him a lot. He can make me smile, and that's quite the accomplishment these days. Long story short, he kissed me a couple days ago, and while I didn't mind at all, I feel as though it complicated my already tangled emotions.
I'm an OCD person, I just spent about an hour organizing my room. I like things to be organized, and neat for the most part. This tangled web of emotions is starting to anger me.
In fact, I think that I need a break. I need time to think, and time to breathe. I want to embrace being single, maybe go on a few dates, but not get involved in anything serious right now. I don't know if there is over going to be an "us" between the guy who is absolutely in love with me, or the thing with the other guy will go anywhere. Only time will tell, and maybe time will help me untangle this complex web of emotions that I've got clouding my brain.
My Heart
My heart used to be something that I kept entirely to myself, I only shared my inner most thoughts and feelings with one person. Now, I'm pretty sure that five people have some piece of my heart with them. These are the people that I hold closest to my heart, they're the ones that I trust with things, a few with everything. I suppose I'm writing this for them, so that they know just what I mean.
Sammi: You...you're my twin. You know me like the back of your hand, we're just so much alike. It still amazes me that we're in the same situation, and have no clue what we want or what to do. I love that I come to you with anything that I have going on, and you generally have an answer or some form of advice, especially since we're both in the same spot. You have that little piece of my heart that gives me confidence. The fact that you accepted me as I was, broken and screwed up, meant a lot. You gave me the confidence that I needed to grow up and out of my shell. Thanks Twin, I owe you one.
Megan: Gee Megs. I don't know where to begin. You are like my sanity, and I don't know what I would do without you. While Sam was gone, I lacked that girlfriend that I needed to talk too about my girl problems, and you were right there. I love being your wedding planner/bridesmaid/back up maid of honor/shoe picker. It's very...eventful. You have that part of my heart that lets me laugh. You can ALWAYS make me giggle like crazy, even when I'm down about something. You really have no idea how much that means to me.
Taylor: Goodness Tay Tay...I'm not exactly sure what to say. I could say that you were the first guy I've trusted in a long time, and it's very true. Talking to you those nights at work...well, you got me to listen, and I actually opened up to you. You have that piece of my heart that lets me trust. I guess I kind of gave that to you, seeing as you were the first person outside of Marcela that I trusted in a very long time. Thanks Taylor, you're such an amazing friend, and I love you.
Marcela: My dearest Cela. Gosh girl how I love you. You and I...we're insane. We've been there for each other through it all, up until recently. I really want to get that back, I miss talking to you. You're most definitely one of my bestest friends, and I wish that you were going to Tech. You have that piece of my heart that give the courage to stand up for what I believe in. When I'm having a Faith crisis, I look to you for inspiration. You're such a strong young woman, and sometimes I honestly wish that I was more like you.
Jacob: You're my best friend. I trust you above almost everyone (Sam and Meg are right there with you), and would do absolutely anything for you. You're my secret keeper, the obnoxious to my polite. You're that missing puzzle piece that I needed to break out of my wall. You have the part of my heart that lets me love people. I'm not saying its because I was in love with you, I'm saying its because you showed me how to love someone. You're the reason that I know how to love people, living in a wall for years kind of takes away your people skills. I love you, even if your a pain in my ass sometimes. Thanks for setting me free.
Sammi: You...you're my twin. You know me like the back of your hand, we're just so much alike. It still amazes me that we're in the same situation, and have no clue what we want or what to do. I love that I come to you with anything that I have going on, and you generally have an answer or some form of advice, especially since we're both in the same spot. You have that little piece of my heart that gives me confidence. The fact that you accepted me as I was, broken and screwed up, meant a lot. You gave me the confidence that I needed to grow up and out of my shell. Thanks Twin, I owe you one.
Megan: Gee Megs. I don't know where to begin. You are like my sanity, and I don't know what I would do without you. While Sam was gone, I lacked that girlfriend that I needed to talk too about my girl problems, and you were right there. I love being your wedding planner/bridesmaid/back up maid of honor/shoe picker. It's very...eventful. You have that part of my heart that lets me laugh. You can ALWAYS make me giggle like crazy, even when I'm down about something. You really have no idea how much that means to me.
Taylor: Goodness Tay Tay...I'm not exactly sure what to say. I could say that you were the first guy I've trusted in a long time, and it's very true. Talking to you those nights at work...well, you got me to listen, and I actually opened up to you. You have that piece of my heart that lets me trust. I guess I kind of gave that to you, seeing as you were the first person outside of Marcela that I trusted in a very long time. Thanks Taylor, you're such an amazing friend, and I love you.
Marcela: My dearest Cela. Gosh girl how I love you. You and I...we're insane. We've been there for each other through it all, up until recently. I really want to get that back, I miss talking to you. You're most definitely one of my bestest friends, and I wish that you were going to Tech. You have that piece of my heart that give the courage to stand up for what I believe in. When I'm having a Faith crisis, I look to you for inspiration. You're such a strong young woman, and sometimes I honestly wish that I was more like you.
Jacob: You're my best friend. I trust you above almost everyone (Sam and Meg are right there with you), and would do absolutely anything for you. You're my secret keeper, the obnoxious to my polite. You're that missing puzzle piece that I needed to break out of my wall. You have the part of my heart that lets me love people. I'm not saying its because I was in love with you, I'm saying its because you showed me how to love someone. You're the reason that I know how to love people, living in a wall for years kind of takes away your people skills. I love you, even if your a pain in my ass sometimes. Thanks for setting me free.
Almost There
This whole summer has been full of love, heartbreak, new friendships, and preparations.
It's been a summer of firsts, a summer to remember.
I fell in love for the first time this summer.
I started hanging out with my beloved Jacob, Sammi, and Megan.
I got to know Jake and Taylor better.
Hell, I got to know myself a little better.
But now, it's time to close that chapter in my life, and begin a new one. To be honest, I'm very excited. It's that level of excitement that can barely be contained. I'm usually pretty hyper, but the thought of starting college in less than a week has me jumping up and down like a little kid. I literally can't wait until this Saturday when I officially move to Russellville and start that new chapter. I already have my bags packed, they're just waiting for Saturday morning.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely closing this chapter. My best friends are still going to be Jacob, Sammi, and Megan. I plan on visiting all three of them as often as I'm able too. I have epic plans for Jacob's birthday, and epic plans for Megan's wedding. Sammi and I are just a great pair...so we'll see how well that goes. I'll treasure the memories that we made, and I'll definitely miss Jake and Taylor.
I fully intend on those five people playing huge parts in this new chapter that will begin on Saturday. But there will be new players too. I'm sort of talking to a guy named Keifer, and I'm very interested to see where this goes. He's a great guy, funny too. He makes me smile :)
I have a feeling that I'm going to get close to Cassie and Lauren again, and Leaundra too. I think that Chandra and I will grow closer as well, and maybe even Sarah.
I know that I'll make new friends, but I love having familiar faces in a not so familiar place. I'll feel less alone that way.
I keep looking over at all my things piled on one side of my room, and feel the excitement grow just a little bit more. I'm going to either explode or go insane before Saturday, I can already tell. I'm literally bouncing up and down as I write this. I'm almost there, almost to a fresh start. It's one of those "so close, yet so far" kind of things. I have two more days of this chapter left, then... hello new one.
I'm so excited to continue writing the story of my life, college is going to be epic :)
It's been a summer of firsts, a summer to remember.
I fell in love for the first time this summer.
I started hanging out with my beloved Jacob, Sammi, and Megan.
I got to know Jake and Taylor better.
Hell, I got to know myself a little better.
But now, it's time to close that chapter in my life, and begin a new one. To be honest, I'm very excited. It's that level of excitement that can barely be contained. I'm usually pretty hyper, but the thought of starting college in less than a week has me jumping up and down like a little kid. I literally can't wait until this Saturday when I officially move to Russellville and start that new chapter. I already have my bags packed, they're just waiting for Saturday morning.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely closing this chapter. My best friends are still going to be Jacob, Sammi, and Megan. I plan on visiting all three of them as often as I'm able too. I have epic plans for Jacob's birthday, and epic plans for Megan's wedding. Sammi and I are just a great pair...so we'll see how well that goes. I'll treasure the memories that we made, and I'll definitely miss Jake and Taylor.
I fully intend on those five people playing huge parts in this new chapter that will begin on Saturday. But there will be new players too. I'm sort of talking to a guy named Keifer, and I'm very interested to see where this goes. He's a great guy, funny too. He makes me smile :)
I have a feeling that I'm going to get close to Cassie and Lauren again, and Leaundra too. I think that Chandra and I will grow closer as well, and maybe even Sarah.
I know that I'll make new friends, but I love having familiar faces in a not so familiar place. I'll feel less alone that way.
I keep looking over at all my things piled on one side of my room, and feel the excitement grow just a little bit more. I'm going to either explode or go insane before Saturday, I can already tell. I'm literally bouncing up and down as I write this. I'm almost there, almost to a fresh start. It's one of those "so close, yet so far" kind of things. I have two more days of this chapter left, then... hello new one.
I'm so excited to continue writing the story of my life, college is going to be epic :)
Moving On
I leave for college in approxiamately five days. I can't wait! I'm so excited for a new beginning, a fresh start. Unfortunately, I have some extra baggage that I don't particularly want to take with me...so it's time to write it out.
First thing: My Nightmare.
I don't exactly have the nightmare anymore, but it's more a of a person now. There was once a time when I thought he and I were meant to be together, in fact, I thought that I loved him. I guess I did, just not in the way I thought. I was a young, naive 16 year old sophomore in high school. I don't think I even knew what love was back then. I wanted to be his girlfriend so badly, I do remember that. I also remember that my parents HATED him, and his parents loathed me. His mother was always telling him that I was a jealous bitch who would do anything in my power to make him mine. My mother always told me that he would try to make me do things that I didn't want too. Guess who was right? My mother. I learned a few days ago that my little sister was telling people a whole bunch of lies about herself, namely that she'd had sex several times before. I also learned that she was arranging to meet this guy that she'd never met so they could "fuck" as she put it. I didn't know anything about any of it until five or so days ago. Now, my worry level is spiked because I don't want the same thing to happen to her. I worry constantly, but I can't let myself dwell on what happened to me. I have to trust that my stepfather is taking the matter into his hands and won't let anything happen to her when I leave in five days.
Here lately I've been listening to music. In fact, I listen to so many different songs by so many different artists over and over again that I've nearly memorized at least four new songs. One song in particular keeps popping into my head at the most inappropriate moments. No Air by Jordin Sparks.
You see, there's this boy, and he quite literally takes my breath away. I was (am?) so deeply in love with him, and now that he's with someone else, it feels like I'm trying to live without the very air that I breathe. I'm healing now, and starting to get over the hurt, but that doesn't mean everything has changed. I'll admit that I've given up on him ever coming back, my reason being that I don't want to waste my time waiting around for something that may never happen. However, I still feel like I don't have air to breath, or a heart that beats.
How am I supposed to breathe with no air?
I didn't think it was possible at first, but now...now I can do it. It's simply really. I just inhale, and breathe in oxygen rather than the smell of his shirt. I exhale carbon dioxide instead of little bubbles of happiness.
My world is slowly fixing itself, turning itself right side up again.
I'm slowly rebuilding the ruins of my heart, and the personality of the girl within.
Once again, I'm going to shine.
I'm not going to hide behind a mask of pain, and let myself be who I really am.
I don't need this boy to survive. He's just a memory of the past. True we're still best friend's, but that's totally different. I guess I could I say that I need him, just not in a romantic way.
I'm going to shine, and I'm going to make my dreams happen.
I'll sing out, let my voice carry the words to whatever song happens to be in my head.
I'll dance, letting my feet move to the rhythm of whatever song happens to be blaring from my speakers.
I'll write, letting the words flow across the page just like they float through my head.
Moving on is hard, don't get me wrong. To be honest, it SUCKS. I don't like filing away the happiest two months of life under the title "Do Not Think About". But what I have to do, well, I just have to let it go.
I need to take my own advice and roll with the waves that life throws my way.
I can't say that I'll move on quickly, but I will eventually reach the point where he is just a memory from the past, and my best friend/secret keeper.
I won't wait forever, and moving on is becoming easier the more I think about it.
Goodbye old, hello new :)
First thing: My Nightmare.
I don't exactly have the nightmare anymore, but it's more a of a person now. There was once a time when I thought he and I were meant to be together, in fact, I thought that I loved him. I guess I did, just not in the way I thought. I was a young, naive 16 year old sophomore in high school. I don't think I even knew what love was back then. I wanted to be his girlfriend so badly, I do remember that. I also remember that my parents HATED him, and his parents loathed me. His mother was always telling him that I was a jealous bitch who would do anything in my power to make him mine. My mother always told me that he would try to make me do things that I didn't want too. Guess who was right? My mother. I learned a few days ago that my little sister was telling people a whole bunch of lies about herself, namely that she'd had sex several times before. I also learned that she was arranging to meet this guy that she'd never met so they could "fuck" as she put it. I didn't know anything about any of it until five or so days ago. Now, my worry level is spiked because I don't want the same thing to happen to her. I worry constantly, but I can't let myself dwell on what happened to me. I have to trust that my stepfather is taking the matter into his hands and won't let anything happen to her when I leave in five days.
Here lately I've been listening to music. In fact, I listen to so many different songs by so many different artists over and over again that I've nearly memorized at least four new songs. One song in particular keeps popping into my head at the most inappropriate moments. No Air by Jordin Sparks.
You see, there's this boy, and he quite literally takes my breath away. I was (am?) so deeply in love with him, and now that he's with someone else, it feels like I'm trying to live without the very air that I breathe. I'm healing now, and starting to get over the hurt, but that doesn't mean everything has changed. I'll admit that I've given up on him ever coming back, my reason being that I don't want to waste my time waiting around for something that may never happen. However, I still feel like I don't have air to breath, or a heart that beats.
How am I supposed to breathe with no air?
I didn't think it was possible at first, but now...now I can do it. It's simply really. I just inhale, and breathe in oxygen rather than the smell of his shirt. I exhale carbon dioxide instead of little bubbles of happiness.
My world is slowly fixing itself, turning itself right side up again.
I'm slowly rebuilding the ruins of my heart, and the personality of the girl within.
Once again, I'm going to shine.
I'm not going to hide behind a mask of pain, and let myself be who I really am.
I don't need this boy to survive. He's just a memory of the past. True we're still best friend's, but that's totally different. I guess I could I say that I need him, just not in a romantic way.
I'm going to shine, and I'm going to make my dreams happen.
I'll sing out, let my voice carry the words to whatever song happens to be in my head.
I'll dance, letting my feet move to the rhythm of whatever song happens to be blaring from my speakers.
I'll write, letting the words flow across the page just like they float through my head.
Moving on is hard, don't get me wrong. To be honest, it SUCKS. I don't like filing away the happiest two months of life under the title "Do Not Think About". But what I have to do, well, I just have to let it go.
I need to take my own advice and roll with the waves that life throws my way.
I can't say that I'll move on quickly, but I will eventually reach the point where he is just a memory from the past, and my best friend/secret keeper.
I won't wait forever, and moving on is becoming easier the more I think about it.
Goodbye old, hello new :)
New Beginnings
Here lately, I've been viewing the world through new eyes. Well...not literally, but my view has changed. For the last two months, I've been absolutely oblivious to what's been going on around me. I was living on a cloud in a dream world that no longer exists. I suppose I should say thank you to the two friends who popped that little bubble of bliss. It was overrated and ridiculous.
All of this came crashing down on me Wendesday afternoon. My stepfather built a third level to our deck, he uses it for target practice. Well, Wednesday afternoon, I climbed the ladder to that third level, and was met with a spectacular view. I was level with the tree tops, and since I live on a hill, the view down to the valley was amazing. I could see the farm, and I could see all the way over to the next hill, where Greystone is. I sat out there for at least an hour, just sitting and taking in the view. My thoughts were running around of course, but that's alright. I found that I could breathe up there, and just how peaceful it was. As the night went on, I began to see things with new eyes.
I started to notice the little things outside, like the way the leaves sounded when a breeze would ruffle them. I could hear the little frogs and crickets outside my window that night, creating there own little melody. I could feel the wind tangling my already messy hair, and I could feel the slight chill of it on my skin. I watched a snake slither around on the ground below my perch on that third level, and I watched him disappear from view. The whole time I was up there, I was talking to my best friend, and I found that I could actually talk to him, and not feel hurt or upset that he had actually blown me off earlier. I realized that there are more important things in life than waiting for a love that may never happen again.
I was trying so hard to live in the past that I wasn't paying attention to the present.
But all that's changed.
I'm living in the here and now, rather then what used to be.
The here and now involves new people, new beginnings.
I leave for college in exactly one week from today, and let me say that I can't wait. I'm going to miss all my friends here at home, especially Jacob and Megan. However, I'm looking forward to new adventures with new faces. I'll definitely miss my new spot, that magnificent third level on my deck, but hey, I'll come home for visits. I can't wait to meet new people, and work on the growing friendship between myself and Keifer. Lake Dardanelle and Mount Nebo aren't far from Arkansas Tech's campus, so there will be plenty of time to appreciate nature. Tech's campus is beautiful, and there's trees all around, and tons of benches outdoors for me to sit on and study. I can't wait to start classes, and start learning new things. I'm a nerd at heart, and am psyched for my cultural anthropology class. I can't say that I'm excited about Math or Bowling, but oh well, it's all for a good cause.
I don't need to live in the past anymore, I have a bright future ahead of me. Don't get me wrong, I'll always treasure the memories, and I'll definitely enjoy taking them out to admire every once in a while. But now I have the oppurtunity to make new memories, and make things happen. I'll keep my Jacob and my Megan close to my heart, and I'll make sure to talk to them every day. But here's to new beginnings, and the here and now :)
All of this came crashing down on me Wendesday afternoon. My stepfather built a third level to our deck, he uses it for target practice. Well, Wednesday afternoon, I climbed the ladder to that third level, and was met with a spectacular view. I was level with the tree tops, and since I live on a hill, the view down to the valley was amazing. I could see the farm, and I could see all the way over to the next hill, where Greystone is. I sat out there for at least an hour, just sitting and taking in the view. My thoughts were running around of course, but that's alright. I found that I could breathe up there, and just how peaceful it was. As the night went on, I began to see things with new eyes.
I started to notice the little things outside, like the way the leaves sounded when a breeze would ruffle them. I could hear the little frogs and crickets outside my window that night, creating there own little melody. I could feel the wind tangling my already messy hair, and I could feel the slight chill of it on my skin. I watched a snake slither around on the ground below my perch on that third level, and I watched him disappear from view. The whole time I was up there, I was talking to my best friend, and I found that I could actually talk to him, and not feel hurt or upset that he had actually blown me off earlier. I realized that there are more important things in life than waiting for a love that may never happen again.
I was trying so hard to live in the past that I wasn't paying attention to the present.
But all that's changed.
I'm living in the here and now, rather then what used to be.
The here and now involves new people, new beginnings.
I leave for college in exactly one week from today, and let me say that I can't wait. I'm going to miss all my friends here at home, especially Jacob and Megan. However, I'm looking forward to new adventures with new faces. I'll definitely miss my new spot, that magnificent third level on my deck, but hey, I'll come home for visits. I can't wait to meet new people, and work on the growing friendship between myself and Keifer. Lake Dardanelle and Mount Nebo aren't far from Arkansas Tech's campus, so there will be plenty of time to appreciate nature. Tech's campus is beautiful, and there's trees all around, and tons of benches outdoors for me to sit on and study. I can't wait to start classes, and start learning new things. I'm a nerd at heart, and am psyched for my cultural anthropology class. I can't say that I'm excited about Math or Bowling, but oh well, it's all for a good cause.
I don't need to live in the past anymore, I have a bright future ahead of me. Don't get me wrong, I'll always treasure the memories, and I'll definitely enjoy taking them out to admire every once in a while. But now I have the oppurtunity to make new memories, and make things happen. I'll keep my Jacob and my Megan close to my heart, and I'll make sure to talk to them every day. But here's to new beginnings, and the here and now :)
I am Me. Plain and Simple
Here recently I've had some people pressuring me to change who I am. Well forget it, it's not going too happen. I am ME. Plain and Simple.
I know that I'm loud.
I know that I'm crazy.
I know that I love to laugh.
I know that my eyes shine when I'm happy.
I know that I crinkle my nose when I laugh.
I know that my eyes will always give away my true emotions.
I know that I try to put others before myself.
I know that I'm afraid of my own emotions for the most part, but I know when the feelings are real.
I know the difference between love and infatuation.
I know that what I feel right now for a certain person is love, not that irrational fake thing most people think of as love.
I know that I hate being told how to feel.
I know that I have really big brown eyes that some think are beautiful, but that I dislike.
I know that I have naturally brownish blonde hair that curls when it wants too, and goes all frizzy when it doesn't.
I know that my feet are size 8 1/2.
I know that I have small hands.
I know that I'm usually cold.
I know that blue is my favorite color.
I know that I love to help people.
I know that English is my favorite subject.
I know that there are few people that I trust.
I know that I adore musicals.
I know that I'm posting this blog because I'm absolutely pissed right now.
I know that my heart is bruised and broken.
I know that I love watching Tom and Jerry.
I know that I love Michigan.
I know that I love to read.
I know that I'm ready for a new beginning.
I know that I can't wait for move in day, and for classes to start.
I know that I love to dance.
I know that I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I know that I absolutely hate brussell sprouts.
I know that Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
I know that Samantha Weldon is the twin that God forgot to give me.
I know that I don't like to take my shirt off during sex.
I know that I can speak Spanish very well, and I could probably be fluent if I'd practice.
I know that I have weak ankles.
I know that I'm a secret keeper.
I know that singing is a hobby of mine.
I know that I can't draw very well (stick figures are my specialty)
I know that I don't like beef or pork very much.
I know that I could probably be a vegetarian.
I know that I love the rain.
I know that I hate rain during the winter.
I know that wet socks drive me crazy.
I know that Jacob Ross and Samantha Weldom can make me smile, no matter how bad my day has been.
I know that I think the Smurfs are super cute.
I know that I'm a flirt.
I know that I'm a tease.
I know that I'm claustrophobic.
I know that I absolutely hate being forced to do anything.
I know that I have weird little quirks in my personality.
I know that want to go to England.
I know that I miss Rose Arnold and sharing chocolate muffins at lunch.
But most of all, I know who I am.
I am Mareena Keigh Gilbert.
I am ME. It's that plain. It's that simple.
I know that I'm loud.
I know that I'm crazy.
I know that I love to laugh.
I know that my eyes shine when I'm happy.
I know that I crinkle my nose when I laugh.
I know that my eyes will always give away my true emotions.
I know that I try to put others before myself.
I know that I'm afraid of my own emotions for the most part, but I know when the feelings are real.
I know the difference between love and infatuation.
I know that what I feel right now for a certain person is love, not that irrational fake thing most people think of as love.
I know that I hate being told how to feel.
I know that I have really big brown eyes that some think are beautiful, but that I dislike.
I know that I have naturally brownish blonde hair that curls when it wants too, and goes all frizzy when it doesn't.
I know that my feet are size 8 1/2.
I know that I have small hands.
I know that I'm usually cold.
I know that blue is my favorite color.
I know that I love to help people.
I know that English is my favorite subject.
I know that there are few people that I trust.
I know that I adore musicals.
I know that I'm posting this blog because I'm absolutely pissed right now.
I know that my heart is bruised and broken.
I know that I love watching Tom and Jerry.
I know that I love Michigan.
I know that I love to read.
I know that I'm ready for a new beginning.
I know that I can't wait for move in day, and for classes to start.
I know that I love to dance.
I know that I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I know that I absolutely hate brussell sprouts.
I know that Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
I know that Samantha Weldon is the twin that God forgot to give me.
I know that I don't like to take my shirt off during sex.
I know that I can speak Spanish very well, and I could probably be fluent if I'd practice.
I know that I have weak ankles.
I know that I'm a secret keeper.
I know that singing is a hobby of mine.
I know that I can't draw very well (stick figures are my specialty)
I know that I don't like beef or pork very much.
I know that I could probably be a vegetarian.
I know that I love the rain.
I know that I hate rain during the winter.
I know that wet socks drive me crazy.
I know that Jacob Ross and Samantha Weldom can make me smile, no matter how bad my day has been.
I know that I think the Smurfs are super cute.
I know that I'm a flirt.
I know that I'm a tease.
I know that I'm claustrophobic.
I know that I absolutely hate being forced to do anything.
I know that I have weird little quirks in my personality.
I know that want to go to England.
I know that I miss Rose Arnold and sharing chocolate muffins at lunch.
But most of all, I know who I am.
I am Mareena Keigh Gilbert.
I am ME. It's that plain. It's that simple.
101 Things
Recently, a friend pointed out that they barely know anything about me, so I took a cue from another friend (she made a list of 100 things for her boyfriend). Here's to all those who care to know the little things about me.
1. My favorite color is blue.
2. I love cheese dip.
3. I'm easily amused when I'm tired.
4. I read a lot.
5. I'm OCD.
6. I hate fast food.
7. I can use chopsticks.
8. Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
9. I listen to all kinds of music.
10. Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low is my favorite song.
11. I own over 300 books.
12. I was molested when I was 16.
13. I have trust issues.
14. I've only fallen in love once.
15. I'm compassionate.
16. I speak spanish well, but not fluently.
17. I have 9 sisters, and 7 brothers.
18. I'm double majoring in English and Pre-Law
19. The Smurfs and Tom and Jerry are my favorite cartoons.
20. I want to move to England.
21. Jacob, Samantha, and Megan are my best friends :)
22. I was adopted when I was in the 3rd grade.
23. I think sex is overrated.
24. I have an emotional wall.
25. Life is my favorite board game.
26. All Time Low is my favorite band.
27. I'm Catholic.
28. My biological mother hates me.
29. My adoptive mother is only 16 years older than me.
30. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie.
31. I used to be shy.
32. I like to lay out under the stars.
33. I used to cut.
34. I love coconuts.
35. I don't eat red meat very often.
36. I still sleep with a teddy bear.
37. I love to sing and dance.
38. English is my favorite subject.
39. Writing makes me feel better.
40. Music is my escape.
41. I love the ocean.
42. I have a volatile temper.
43. I'm very protective of my friends and family.
44. Photography is one of my hobbies.
45. I used to be a health nut.
46. I like to help people.
47. I feel more comfortable in the back of Taylor's truck than anywhere else.
48. My eyes give away my true emotions.
49. My heart is currently broken and unavailable.
50. I'm afraid of grasshoppers.
51. My name means "sea loving".
52. My middle name is spelled "Keigh" but pronounced "Kay".
53. I love classic literature.
54. William Blake is my favorite poet/philosopher.
55. Shakespeare is my favorite writer.
56. Jacob is my secret keeper.
57. I like blueberries and roses.
58. I can't draw.
59. I like to dance in the rain.
60. I cry a lot, especially when I'm mad.
61. Mythology interests me.
62. Chicago is one of my favorite places.
63. I used to go to Lake Pickthorn to think.
64. I collect beanie babies.
65. I thorw things when I'm mad.
66. I'm very weird.
67. Brussell sprouts make me ill.
68. I'm very accident prone.
69. I'm tough.
70. I'm a germaphob.
71. I always have a song stuck in my head.
72. I love musicals.
73. I wanted to be on Broadway when I was younger.
74. I dream big.
75. I love water.
76. Fishing bores me.
77. Hunting makes me sick.
78. Snakes amuse me.
79. Spiders make me giggle.
80. I can be very quiet.
81. There are things that only Jacob knows.
82. I let my heart and instincts guide me.
83. I hate spending money.
84. I love nature.
85. I run when I feel like I should.
86. I tend to fight for what I believe in.
87. I have a guardian angel.
88. Everything by Lifehouse changed my life.
89. Michigan is my favorite state.
90. Snow makes me happy.
91. Venice is the one place I want to see before I die.
92. The color pink annoys me.
93. Shopping distracts me.
94. Hope is my favorite word.
95. I'm a very determined person.
96. Thunderstorms make me smile.
97. I love the smell of rain.
98. I only trust one boy.
99. I worry a lot.
100. Zours are my favorite candy.
101. I do my best to keep the promises that I make.
Well, there it is. 101 random facts about me. I hope you learn something, enjoy the randomness.
1. My favorite color is blue.
2. I love cheese dip.
3. I'm easily amused when I'm tired.
4. I read a lot.
5. I'm OCD.
6. I hate fast food.
7. I can use chopsticks.
8. Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
9. I listen to all kinds of music.
10. Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low is my favorite song.
11. I own over 300 books.
12. I was molested when I was 16.
13. I have trust issues.
14. I've only fallen in love once.
15. I'm compassionate.
16. I speak spanish well, but not fluently.
17. I have 9 sisters, and 7 brothers.
18. I'm double majoring in English and Pre-Law
19. The Smurfs and Tom and Jerry are my favorite cartoons.
20. I want to move to England.
21. Jacob, Samantha, and Megan are my best friends :)
22. I was adopted when I was in the 3rd grade.
23. I think sex is overrated.
24. I have an emotional wall.
25. Life is my favorite board game.
26. All Time Low is my favorite band.
27. I'm Catholic.
28. My biological mother hates me.
29. My adoptive mother is only 16 years older than me.
30. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie.
31. I used to be shy.
32. I like to lay out under the stars.
33. I used to cut.
34. I love coconuts.
35. I don't eat red meat very often.
36. I still sleep with a teddy bear.
37. I love to sing and dance.
38. English is my favorite subject.
39. Writing makes me feel better.
40. Music is my escape.
41. I love the ocean.
42. I have a volatile temper.
43. I'm very protective of my friends and family.
44. Photography is one of my hobbies.
45. I used to be a health nut.
46. I like to help people.
47. I feel more comfortable in the back of Taylor's truck than anywhere else.
48. My eyes give away my true emotions.
49. My heart is currently broken and unavailable.
50. I'm afraid of grasshoppers.
51. My name means "sea loving".
52. My middle name is spelled "Keigh" but pronounced "Kay".
53. I love classic literature.
54. William Blake is my favorite poet/philosopher.
55. Shakespeare is my favorite writer.
56. Jacob is my secret keeper.
57. I like blueberries and roses.
58. I can't draw.
59. I like to dance in the rain.
60. I cry a lot, especially when I'm mad.
61. Mythology interests me.
62. Chicago is one of my favorite places.
63. I used to go to Lake Pickthorn to think.
64. I collect beanie babies.
65. I thorw things when I'm mad.
66. I'm very weird.
67. Brussell sprouts make me ill.
68. I'm very accident prone.
69. I'm tough.
70. I'm a germaphob.
71. I always have a song stuck in my head.
72. I love musicals.
73. I wanted to be on Broadway when I was younger.
74. I dream big.
75. I love water.
76. Fishing bores me.
77. Hunting makes me sick.
78. Snakes amuse me.
79. Spiders make me giggle.
80. I can be very quiet.
81. There are things that only Jacob knows.
82. I let my heart and instincts guide me.
83. I hate spending money.
84. I love nature.
85. I run when I feel like I should.
86. I tend to fight for what I believe in.
87. I have a guardian angel.
88. Everything by Lifehouse changed my life.
89. Michigan is my favorite state.
90. Snow makes me happy.
91. Venice is the one place I want to see before I die.
92. The color pink annoys me.
93. Shopping distracts me.
94. Hope is my favorite word.
95. I'm a very determined person.
96. Thunderstorms make me smile.
97. I love the smell of rain.
98. I only trust one boy.
99. I worry a lot.
100. Zours are my favorite candy.
101. I do my best to keep the promises that I make.
Well, there it is. 101 random facts about me. I hope you learn something, enjoy the randomness.
Hope
About a week ago, a good friend of mine gave me a stone with the word "hope" written on it. I carried it with me every where, mainly to remind myself that there is always hope, even in the most bleak situation. Whenever I'd lose my grip on the tiny shred of hope that lives in me, I'd take out that rock, and hang onto it for dear life.
I no longer have this rock, and here's why.
Hope can't be kept selfishly to one's self, it should be shared, especially with those who most need it. Today, I learned that some people very near my heart where involved in a very dangerous situation, and needed to be helped.
A good friend of mine's father is bipolar, and unfortunately, he's having another "episode". I was asked to babysit the youngest boy today, so when I went to pick him up, my friend (who's 16) basically threw me out of the house, and told me to get of the house and not come back until later on. So I took my friend to practice, and spent the day with his seven-year-old kid brother. When band practice was over, I went to pick him up, and took him to get his schedule for classes, mainly to help his mother out.
While I was sitting in the hallway outside the high school library, I got a phone call. His mom was freaking out, telling me not to bring the boys back to the house until she text me.
I knew what was going by this time, and I'll admit that I was a little scared. My friend's father had come by the house last night, and busted in a window. He'd also attempted to set the whole place on fire. I'm not really sure what happened exactly after that, but I'm assuming he went looking for the boys while they were with me, and was pissed when he couldn't find them.
I took them to a friend's house with me, and I informed my friend as to what was happening.
About an hour later, their mom text me, telling me to bring them home. When I pulled in the driveway, their older sister's car was backed up to the door, and so was their mother's. Their were bags and boxes in the yard, so it was obvious that they were leaving town.
I helped them pack, and even took some of their collectibles with me so that they wouldn't be damaged if he turned back up at the house while they were gone.
I remember how hopeless their mother felt, and I remember watching her break down and just sob. The kids didn't have much hope either...one was resigned, one was pissed, the other was to young to understand what was going on.
Now back to the rock. I was in the bathroom with the sister, helping her make sure she had all the things she would need, and could tell that she wasn't exactly hopeful about anything. So...I pulled the stone out of my purse, and handed it to her.
I told her to share it with her mother, and her brothers.
However, without that little stone, I feel hopeless. I'm worried that something is going to happen to them...and if something does, I'm pretty sure that it'll hurt more than anything else at this point. These people are my family, their mother is practically my mother.
I'm praying and trying to keep my hopes up, and I'm doing my best to believe that everything is going to be alright.
They're coming back as soon as the father goes to jail, so hopefully it won't be too long.
I love them all with all my heart, and I hope that everything goes well.
I no longer have this rock, and here's why.
Hope can't be kept selfishly to one's self, it should be shared, especially with those who most need it. Today, I learned that some people very near my heart where involved in a very dangerous situation, and needed to be helped.
A good friend of mine's father is bipolar, and unfortunately, he's having another "episode". I was asked to babysit the youngest boy today, so when I went to pick him up, my friend (who's 16) basically threw me out of the house, and told me to get of the house and not come back until later on. So I took my friend to practice, and spent the day with his seven-year-old kid brother. When band practice was over, I went to pick him up, and took him to get his schedule for classes, mainly to help his mother out.
While I was sitting in the hallway outside the high school library, I got a phone call. His mom was freaking out, telling me not to bring the boys back to the house until she text me.
I knew what was going by this time, and I'll admit that I was a little scared. My friend's father had come by the house last night, and busted in a window. He'd also attempted to set the whole place on fire. I'm not really sure what happened exactly after that, but I'm assuming he went looking for the boys while they were with me, and was pissed when he couldn't find them.
I took them to a friend's house with me, and I informed my friend as to what was happening.
About an hour later, their mom text me, telling me to bring them home. When I pulled in the driveway, their older sister's car was backed up to the door, and so was their mother's. Their were bags and boxes in the yard, so it was obvious that they were leaving town.
I helped them pack, and even took some of their collectibles with me so that they wouldn't be damaged if he turned back up at the house while they were gone.
I remember how hopeless their mother felt, and I remember watching her break down and just sob. The kids didn't have much hope either...one was resigned, one was pissed, the other was to young to understand what was going on.
Now back to the rock. I was in the bathroom with the sister, helping her make sure she had all the things she would need, and could tell that she wasn't exactly hopeful about anything. So...I pulled the stone out of my purse, and handed it to her.
I told her to share it with her mother, and her brothers.
However, without that little stone, I feel hopeless. I'm worried that something is going to happen to them...and if something does, I'm pretty sure that it'll hurt more than anything else at this point. These people are my family, their mother is practically my mother.
I'm praying and trying to keep my hopes up, and I'm doing my best to believe that everything is going to be alright.
They're coming back as soon as the father goes to jail, so hopefully it won't be too long.
I love them all with all my heart, and I hope that everything goes well.
Music
I've always loved music, even when I was younger. I liked to dance, and sing along with the disney movie as a kid. But now that I'm older...music has been an escape.
For years now, my heartbreak routine has been to hole up in my room and listen to song after song after song, never really caring that people missed me, or were honestly concerned. I'd just let myself fall into the rhythms set before me, especially in band, and just let myself flow with the chords.
Being in band gave me a whole new perspective on music, and I started to appreciate the classics. I began to listen to Bach or Mozart, and recently, Jazz. Falling into the songs isn't exactly a constant thought anymore, it just happens. I lose sight of all my problems, and just go with it.
Unfortunately, I've lost sight of the whole idea of music. I reached a point five months ago where I thought that I didn't want to be in band anymore, and I basically stopped singing.
I'm not that girl who could be a fantastic musician if I'd practice, and I've been told that I can sing too (I tend disagree with that one).
Recently, I've started to rediscover the joy that music used to give me. Spending months with Luna, who practically breathes music, it was hard not too. She introduced me to some fabulous artists, and has me appreciating Jazz music more than I did before.
I'll lose myself in the words, the beats. I sing along with the radio, or just sing whatever song pops in head, whenever and wherever. Right now, "Smile" by Uncle Kracker is the constant, and it actually makes me think about people or places that make me happy.
For a long time, I've been thinking about giving up band, well, music actually.
My mind has been rejecting the idea of music for a long time now, but my heart is telling me that I need it to survive.
I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I go to sleep with a song whirling through my head.
Music is an everyday thing for me, I don't think I can live without it. It's the very air I breathe, and I almost threw it away.
I have gifts, and according to some, I need to share those with the world.
I'm sorry to say that it took me until March 2011 for me to realize any of this.
We were playing a song called "Molly on the Shore", and I remember thinking that it was absolutely impossible to play it at the speed we were supposed too.
Then, one day, I did it. I played the hardest melody with perfect ease, and I cannot describe the joy I felt. It was a bouncy, bubbly tune, and it made me remember how I used to be the bouncy, bubbly seventh grader in Clarinet class.
Music is my drug, and it's always constant.
Music will never get up and leave me.
The never ending flow of notes will always hold me in its embrace, never letting me go.
Music is in my soul, and I'm not quite ready to give it up, so maybe I'll hang onto it for just a little while.
For years now, my heartbreak routine has been to hole up in my room and listen to song after song after song, never really caring that people missed me, or were honestly concerned. I'd just let myself fall into the rhythms set before me, especially in band, and just let myself flow with the chords.
Being in band gave me a whole new perspective on music, and I started to appreciate the classics. I began to listen to Bach or Mozart, and recently, Jazz. Falling into the songs isn't exactly a constant thought anymore, it just happens. I lose sight of all my problems, and just go with it.
Unfortunately, I've lost sight of the whole idea of music. I reached a point five months ago where I thought that I didn't want to be in band anymore, and I basically stopped singing.
I'm not that girl who could be a fantastic musician if I'd practice, and I've been told that I can sing too (I tend disagree with that one).
Recently, I've started to rediscover the joy that music used to give me. Spending months with Luna, who practically breathes music, it was hard not too. She introduced me to some fabulous artists, and has me appreciating Jazz music more than I did before.
I'll lose myself in the words, the beats. I sing along with the radio, or just sing whatever song pops in head, whenever and wherever. Right now, "Smile" by Uncle Kracker is the constant, and it actually makes me think about people or places that make me happy.
For a long time, I've been thinking about giving up band, well, music actually.
My mind has been rejecting the idea of music for a long time now, but my heart is telling me that I need it to survive.
I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I go to sleep with a song whirling through my head.
Music is an everyday thing for me, I don't think I can live without it. It's the very air I breathe, and I almost threw it away.
I have gifts, and according to some, I need to share those with the world.
I'm sorry to say that it took me until March 2011 for me to realize any of this.
We were playing a song called "Molly on the Shore", and I remember thinking that it was absolutely impossible to play it at the speed we were supposed too.
Then, one day, I did it. I played the hardest melody with perfect ease, and I cannot describe the joy I felt. It was a bouncy, bubbly tune, and it made me remember how I used to be the bouncy, bubbly seventh grader in Clarinet class.
Music is my drug, and it's always constant.
Music will never get up and leave me.
The never ending flow of notes will always hold me in its embrace, never letting me go.
Music is in my soul, and I'm not quite ready to give it up, so maybe I'll hang onto it for just a little while.
Bittersweet Memories
The more time I have to sit and think, the more I wish that I didn't have time to sit and think. Memories keep circling through my head, all about the same person. I wish that they would just go away sometimes. Others..I cling to them like they're a lifeline. Emotions keeps getting tangled in the never ending circle of memories too. It's all very annoying to be honest. I suppose that I'm writing this to get all the memories out before I go insane.
Everytime I close my eyes, a different memory pops up, all about HIM.
I remember the first time we sat down and had a conversation. I swear, we talked for five hours, and had absolutely no boundaries. I remember how hot it was that day, and how ridiculous we were.
I remember how I started to notice the little things about him. I noticed the way his eyes would light up when he would laugh, the way he would smile at me, and how his laugh made me all giggly.
I remember how he used to wink at me, and the way stomach would do 360 turns.
I remember how right it felt the first time we kissed, and I remember how perfect the moment was.
I also remember being speechless, the only thought I had was "HOLY SHIT I JUST KISSED MY BEST FRIEND".
I'd been wanting to kiss him for days, and I remember how the kiss wasn't disappointing. It was a kiss that took my breath away. I can't remember a kiss that compared to that one with him...probably because there wasn't one. I remember feeling my emotions spiral out of control when it came to him, and I defnitely remember being terrified.
However, I don't remember a time when I was as happy as I was then.
I always felt this mixture of nerves and excitement when I'd see him. Each time he text me or called me, I couldn't help but smile. I remember how happy I'd be when I'd see him, I practically lit up like a light bulb.
I remember how natural it felt to hold his hand, and how good it felt to lay in his arms on the ground at Lake Pickthorn. I remember how hard I fell for him, and how easily he caught me.
I remember the first time we had sex...in Lake Pickthorn, and I remember telling Luna and listening to her freak out. I remember how good it felt, so different from the other guys I'd been with. It felt right..and I remember being very surprised. I remember how he was the first guy to make me orgasm, and I remember him saying that he was in love with me the next day.
I remember the feeling of pure bliss I felt when he first said "I love you".
I remember the way he'd hug me, like I meant something to him.
I remember how only he could read me, almost like I was part of who he was. I remember the connection we shared, and the way I felt.
For the first time in years I felt..understood, wanted, loved.
I remember how safe I felt when I'd sleep in his arms.
I remember the way he'd call me beautiful, almost as if he meant it.
I'll never forget what an affectionate and horny drunk he is, nor that we had sex in a hotel room with two of our friends asleep in the other bed.
I'm always gonna remember that he promised to love me forever, and that he would never let me go.
I'll never forget the last time we kissed...we'd just broken up and I couldn't really help it. He kissed me back, which kind of reassured me.
Then...my world crumbled.
AGAIN.
He kissed a close friend of mine, then told me via blog.
Needless to say, I was, once again, heartbroken.
I couldn't stop crying, it literally hurt to the point that I couldn't breathe anymore.
I couldn't (and still can't really) help but think that I did something wrong, I felt like I'd pushed him away somehow.
I honestly thought about not being his friend anymore after that, and I nearly wasn't. But I just couldn't do it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he meant more to me as a friend than as a boyfriend. If anything, I appreciate him more as a friend then I did before. I understand that feelings change, and so do relationships.
But..I am certain of ONE thing.
He is ALWAYS going to be my best friend, and as long as he's happy, then I can be too.
I'll be here for him through anything and everything,
Happiness is a gift to be shared, and I have to say, I have the best friend that I could ever ask for, and that makes me happy.
Life may not be perfect, but hey, I'm happy.
What more could I ask for? :)
Everytime I close my eyes, a different memory pops up, all about HIM.
I remember the first time we sat down and had a conversation. I swear, we talked for five hours, and had absolutely no boundaries. I remember how hot it was that day, and how ridiculous we were.
I remember how I started to notice the little things about him. I noticed the way his eyes would light up when he would laugh, the way he would smile at me, and how his laugh made me all giggly.
I remember how he used to wink at me, and the way stomach would do 360 turns.
I remember how right it felt the first time we kissed, and I remember how perfect the moment was.
I also remember being speechless, the only thought I had was "HOLY SHIT I JUST KISSED MY BEST FRIEND".
I'd been wanting to kiss him for days, and I remember how the kiss wasn't disappointing. It was a kiss that took my breath away. I can't remember a kiss that compared to that one with him...probably because there wasn't one. I remember feeling my emotions spiral out of control when it came to him, and I defnitely remember being terrified.
However, I don't remember a time when I was as happy as I was then.
I always felt this mixture of nerves and excitement when I'd see him. Each time he text me or called me, I couldn't help but smile. I remember how happy I'd be when I'd see him, I practically lit up like a light bulb.
I remember how natural it felt to hold his hand, and how good it felt to lay in his arms on the ground at Lake Pickthorn. I remember how hard I fell for him, and how easily he caught me.
I remember the first time we had sex...in Lake Pickthorn, and I remember telling Luna and listening to her freak out. I remember how good it felt, so different from the other guys I'd been with. It felt right..and I remember being very surprised. I remember how he was the first guy to make me orgasm, and I remember him saying that he was in love with me the next day.
I remember the feeling of pure bliss I felt when he first said "I love you".
I remember the way he'd hug me, like I meant something to him.
I remember how only he could read me, almost like I was part of who he was. I remember the connection we shared, and the way I felt.
For the first time in years I felt..understood, wanted, loved.
I remember how safe I felt when I'd sleep in his arms.
I remember the way he'd call me beautiful, almost as if he meant it.
I'll never forget what an affectionate and horny drunk he is, nor that we had sex in a hotel room with two of our friends asleep in the other bed.
I'm always gonna remember that he promised to love me forever, and that he would never let me go.
I'll never forget the last time we kissed...we'd just broken up and I couldn't really help it. He kissed me back, which kind of reassured me.
Then...my world crumbled.
AGAIN.
He kissed a close friend of mine, then told me via blog.
Needless to say, I was, once again, heartbroken.
I couldn't stop crying, it literally hurt to the point that I couldn't breathe anymore.
I couldn't (and still can't really) help but think that I did something wrong, I felt like I'd pushed him away somehow.
I honestly thought about not being his friend anymore after that, and I nearly wasn't. But I just couldn't do it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he meant more to me as a friend than as a boyfriend. If anything, I appreciate him more as a friend then I did before. I understand that feelings change, and so do relationships.
But..I am certain of ONE thing.
He is ALWAYS going to be my best friend, and as long as he's happy, then I can be too.
I'll be here for him through anything and everything,
Happiness is a gift to be shared, and I have to say, I have the best friend that I could ever ask for, and that makes me happy.
Life may not be perfect, but hey, I'm happy.
What more could I ask for? :)
Walls
When I close my eyes, the first memories that come to my mind are generally of the way he used to smile at me, the way his lips felt on mine, or the way it felt to be held in his arms. I was so in love with this boy, and now that I don't really have this boy anymore, I feel alone.
Empty.
It's very odd reverting back to my old self, the girl who has a wall built to keep emotions locked in, and everyone locked out.
Naturally, I have those few friends who have either been let inside, or they've wormed their way between the stones. Or the case of this boy, whom we'll call Goober, blew a freakin' hole in the side of the wall with one conversation. He's the only person to make it through my bitter exterior, and he totally bypassed the gates. The fact that he made it through my wall so easily kind of freaked me out, mainly because I've always been guarded, it's just how I am.
Not very long ago, I was "that girl", the one who wore long sleeves in August to hide the healing cuts on my arms. I was the girl who carried a razor blade with her EVERYWHERE, just in case I would "need" it. One thing I've learned through observation is that when I was cutting, I never cried, but when I cry, I never cut. It's a relieving thing to know that all I have to do is cry so I don't fall back into my old habits.
I've long since given up cutting and self mutilation, but despite that, my mind remained dark.
Haunted really.
I had ghosts inside my head that no exorcism could erase.
But this person...this boy brought me light. The first time we talked, I felt like clouds were being forced away, and the sun was shining on my thought for the first in ages.
I was...happy.
It was an amazing feeling, and we talked for hours. He chased my ghosts away without even realizing it. He didn't run away or shudder at the darkness that I know he felt in my thoughts, he just went on prying deeper.
We talked about EVERYTHING, nothing was forbidden, it was amazing.
I'd never talked to anyone the way I could talk to him.
He just..understood me.
It's an amazing feeling, being understood. I hadn't felt it in years, but then again, I generally kept people at such a distance that they couldn't really get to me know well enough to understand me.
Goober...he changed me. He made me feel wanted, like I was valuable. Like I actually meant something to someone.
Due to the fact that we got along so well, and had no conversational boundaries, we ended having what I call a "fling". In my opinion, we were great together, but we fell in love way too fast, and we definitely had sex much to soon. Looking back, we were great together because we were good friends, but when we lost sight of the friendship we'd had, we lost sight of what our "relationship" was based on. The foundation crumbled before the real relationship could even begin. I don't regret having a fling with Goober, I can honestly say it was the best non-relationship of my life. However, I'm glad it's over. We were never really meant to be as a couple, we just fell hard for each other. To be honest, I want nothing more than for us to be best friends, we connect so well that way, kind of like pieces to a puzzle. He still has my heart, and the key to my wall, but I told him to keep them. I'm not ready to belong to someone else, and I'll never take the key back. He earned it, and it's always going to be his.
These last few days have been rough though, and I'll be the first to admit that.
I thought that I was going to lose Goober as my friend, but I realized that the only reason I'd lose him is because I'd be pushing him away. I also learned that he is way more valuable to me as a friend than as a boyfriend or a lover. He still loves me, and I definitely still love him. He showed me things, and helped me experience life without a wall for a while. He's my best friend, my go to person, my secret keeper. I'm also his best friend, his go to person, his secret keeper. And to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. Romance was nice, but I have to say, having my best friend back is so much better. I don't regret what happened between us, but I'm perfectly happy with where we stand now. He's the best friend I could ask for, and I can only thank God that I didn't let myself push him away. He's here to stay I believe, and so am I. Good-bye wall...hello world.
Empty.
It's very odd reverting back to my old self, the girl who has a wall built to keep emotions locked in, and everyone locked out.
Naturally, I have those few friends who have either been let inside, or they've wormed their way between the stones. Or the case of this boy, whom we'll call Goober, blew a freakin' hole in the side of the wall with one conversation. He's the only person to make it through my bitter exterior, and he totally bypassed the gates. The fact that he made it through my wall so easily kind of freaked me out, mainly because I've always been guarded, it's just how I am.
Not very long ago, I was "that girl", the one who wore long sleeves in August to hide the healing cuts on my arms. I was the girl who carried a razor blade with her EVERYWHERE, just in case I would "need" it. One thing I've learned through observation is that when I was cutting, I never cried, but when I cry, I never cut. It's a relieving thing to know that all I have to do is cry so I don't fall back into my old habits.
I've long since given up cutting and self mutilation, but despite that, my mind remained dark.
Haunted really.
I had ghosts inside my head that no exorcism could erase.
But this person...this boy brought me light. The first time we talked, I felt like clouds were being forced away, and the sun was shining on my thought for the first in ages.
I was...happy.
It was an amazing feeling, and we talked for hours. He chased my ghosts away without even realizing it. He didn't run away or shudder at the darkness that I know he felt in my thoughts, he just went on prying deeper.
We talked about EVERYTHING, nothing was forbidden, it was amazing.
I'd never talked to anyone the way I could talk to him.
He just..understood me.
It's an amazing feeling, being understood. I hadn't felt it in years, but then again, I generally kept people at such a distance that they couldn't really get to me know well enough to understand me.
Goober...he changed me. He made me feel wanted, like I was valuable. Like I actually meant something to someone.
Due to the fact that we got along so well, and had no conversational boundaries, we ended having what I call a "fling". In my opinion, we were great together, but we fell in love way too fast, and we definitely had sex much to soon. Looking back, we were great together because we were good friends, but when we lost sight of the friendship we'd had, we lost sight of what our "relationship" was based on. The foundation crumbled before the real relationship could even begin. I don't regret having a fling with Goober, I can honestly say it was the best non-relationship of my life. However, I'm glad it's over. We were never really meant to be as a couple, we just fell hard for each other. To be honest, I want nothing more than for us to be best friends, we connect so well that way, kind of like pieces to a puzzle. He still has my heart, and the key to my wall, but I told him to keep them. I'm not ready to belong to someone else, and I'll never take the key back. He earned it, and it's always going to be his.
These last few days have been rough though, and I'll be the first to admit that.
I thought that I was going to lose Goober as my friend, but I realized that the only reason I'd lose him is because I'd be pushing him away. I also learned that he is way more valuable to me as a friend than as a boyfriend or a lover. He still loves me, and I definitely still love him. He showed me things, and helped me experience life without a wall for a while. He's my best friend, my go to person, my secret keeper. I'm also his best friend, his go to person, his secret keeper. And to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. Romance was nice, but I have to say, having my best friend back is so much better. I don't regret what happened between us, but I'm perfectly happy with where we stand now. He's the best friend I could ask for, and I can only thank God that I didn't let myself push him away. He's here to stay I believe, and so am I. Good-bye wall...hello world.
My Living Nightmare
I guess I'll begin by saying that I was molested my sophomore year of high school, by a boy that I'd known since we were 7 years old. Since that fateful day in May 2009, I have felt like I'm living in a constant nightmare. I'd see him every day at school, and at all the band functions. I can honestly say that I've never been the same carefree girl I was before then, probably because I wouldn't let myself trust many people. Even the boys I'd known since my toddler days were now pushed away, simply because I wouldn't let myself get emotionally close to anyone. Now, as a recent high school graduate, I haven't really changed. I'm still living in a nightmare, regardless of the fact that we've graduated, and I should never have to see him again.
I was on my way to work one morning, and noticed a very familiar (and ugly) truck behind my car. I recognized it instantly, how could I not? Every single detail involving this guy were permanently imprinted upon my brain, mainly so I could avoid him. Now, over two years after the molestation incident, I will still have panic attacks if I see him, or his truck. Driving down the road in the rain freaking out is not good, especially since I don't like driving in the rain. So, I called my best friend, we'll call him my knight in shining armor, and talked to him. He was over 45 minutes away, so he couldn't meet me at work, but just knowing that he was on the other end of the line helped calm me down.
That night, while I was staying at a friend's house, my old nightmares about the guy came back. These are the nightmares that will cause me to wake up screaming, the ones that make me cry every time. The dream very rarely changes, it generally follows the same pattern. Kidnapping, rape, and just brutal treatment all around. But tonight, something was different. My knight was in the dream, running to rescue me. Unfortunately, he was too late. It's been like that every single night for five days now. I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know that when I do, I'll have that nightmare, the same one, over and over. I know that I'll wake up screaming and crying because my knight in shining armor can never make it on time.
Every day for two years now, I've been praying for this nightmare to end, and maybe one day it will. I still see him, at least once a week, he has this odd habit of showing up wherever I am, and I hate it. It helps to know that in real life, my knight will do anything he can to protect me, even from the unseen terrors of the night. I know that one day this horrible living nightmare of mine will end, but until then, I guess I'll settle in for the ride, and keep hoping that one day my knight in shining armor will come to rescue me.
I was on my way to work one morning, and noticed a very familiar (and ugly) truck behind my car. I recognized it instantly, how could I not? Every single detail involving this guy were permanently imprinted upon my brain, mainly so I could avoid him. Now, over two years after the molestation incident, I will still have panic attacks if I see him, or his truck. Driving down the road in the rain freaking out is not good, especially since I don't like driving in the rain. So, I called my best friend, we'll call him my knight in shining armor, and talked to him. He was over 45 minutes away, so he couldn't meet me at work, but just knowing that he was on the other end of the line helped calm me down.
That night, while I was staying at a friend's house, my old nightmares about the guy came back. These are the nightmares that will cause me to wake up screaming, the ones that make me cry every time. The dream very rarely changes, it generally follows the same pattern. Kidnapping, rape, and just brutal treatment all around. But tonight, something was different. My knight was in the dream, running to rescue me. Unfortunately, he was too late. It's been like that every single night for five days now. I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know that when I do, I'll have that nightmare, the same one, over and over. I know that I'll wake up screaming and crying because my knight in shining armor can never make it on time.
Every day for two years now, I've been praying for this nightmare to end, and maybe one day it will. I still see him, at least once a week, he has this odd habit of showing up wherever I am, and I hate it. It helps to know that in real life, my knight will do anything he can to protect me, even from the unseen terrors of the night. I know that one day this horrible living nightmare of mine will end, but until then, I guess I'll settle in for the ride, and keep hoping that one day my knight in shining armor will come to rescue me.
Lessons Learned
I've always been told that I'm smart, even as a toddler in day care I've enjoyed reading, writing, and just learning. However, I can honestly say that until recently, I was simply "book smart". I never really took the time to learn the lessons I would need to get through life, and I'm a little behind. I guess I could call these the "me lessons" because these two simple, yet important things have completely changed my personality.
Lesson #1: Running away is NEVER the answer.
For as long as I can remember, I've run away from confrontations, from pain. I don't necessarily mean physically running either, I've been known to emotionally shut down for weeks at a time. Now...I respond in a totally different way. I say what I think, and I don't bottle up my emotions anymore. For example, I'm head over heels in love with my best guy friend, and considering there are more than a few issues with our relationship at the moment, I've done quite a bit of running. Everytime I've run away, he's either followed me or not let go. To be honest, I don't even try to go anymore. It still crosses my mind, but being his best friend has made me realize a few things. One, he'll never let me get to far. Two, regardless of where I actually intend to run too, I will inevitably run to him. Three, running away is NEVER the answer. Staying and seeing things through is how it should be. It takes to courage to stand your ground when everything is falling apart around you. I've finally learned that, and I can say it makes my life easier.
Lesson #2: Shutting people out doesn't help.
I've always had lots of friends, but I never truly talked to those friends. I had a very short list of people I trusted enough to let behind my emotional "wall". I believe there were four throughtout my entire senior year. Now, seeing as I don't exactly have a wall anymore, there are way more people inside my head than I am used too. However, there are still things I keep between myself a few people. Thankfully, my very short list is now short, but definitely longer than four. It kind of sucks that it took me several years to learn this, but hey, better now than never. Honestly, I have to thank Sunshine for this one (he absolutely hates it when I call him that, oh well). Without him, I'd definitely still have my shell, and I would absolutely still have my wall. Our late night conversations at work, realizing that he's a great guy, and an even better friend, have definitely helped overall. I'm not saying he's the only one, because he's not. The best guy friend I've ever had has done his fair share of shoving, wedging, knocking over, and blowing up the wall I used to have. Hell, he's the reason that there isn't a wall anymore. I've got to say, I love both of these boys for what they've done for me. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I'm not the same girl who graduated high school just over a month ago. I've changed, grown up a little more. I owe quite a bit to Luna, Sunshine, and that best guy friend I keep referring too. Without those three people, I'd probably still be that hermit who would spend time with one friend, and no one else. I still devote a large amount of my time to that one friend, but I can now balance her with them. I'd be totally lost without those four. Thank you guys, I can now officially say lessons learned.
Lesson #1: Running away is NEVER the answer.
For as long as I can remember, I've run away from confrontations, from pain. I don't necessarily mean physically running either, I've been known to emotionally shut down for weeks at a time. Now...I respond in a totally different way. I say what I think, and I don't bottle up my emotions anymore. For example, I'm head over heels in love with my best guy friend, and considering there are more than a few issues with our relationship at the moment, I've done quite a bit of running. Everytime I've run away, he's either followed me or not let go. To be honest, I don't even try to go anymore. It still crosses my mind, but being his best friend has made me realize a few things. One, he'll never let me get to far. Two, regardless of where I actually intend to run too, I will inevitably run to him. Three, running away is NEVER the answer. Staying and seeing things through is how it should be. It takes to courage to stand your ground when everything is falling apart around you. I've finally learned that, and I can say it makes my life easier.
Lesson #2: Shutting people out doesn't help.
I've always had lots of friends, but I never truly talked to those friends. I had a very short list of people I trusted enough to let behind my emotional "wall". I believe there were four throughtout my entire senior year. Now, seeing as I don't exactly have a wall anymore, there are way more people inside my head than I am used too. However, there are still things I keep between myself a few people. Thankfully, my very short list is now short, but definitely longer than four. It kind of sucks that it took me several years to learn this, but hey, better now than never. Honestly, I have to thank Sunshine for this one (he absolutely hates it when I call him that, oh well). Without him, I'd definitely still have my shell, and I would absolutely still have my wall. Our late night conversations at work, realizing that he's a great guy, and an even better friend, have definitely helped overall. I'm not saying he's the only one, because he's not. The best guy friend I've ever had has done his fair share of shoving, wedging, knocking over, and blowing up the wall I used to have. Hell, he's the reason that there isn't a wall anymore. I've got to say, I love both of these boys for what they've done for me. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I'm not the same girl who graduated high school just over a month ago. I've changed, grown up a little more. I owe quite a bit to Luna, Sunshine, and that best guy friend I keep referring too. Without those three people, I'd probably still be that hermit who would spend time with one friend, and no one else. I still devote a large amount of my time to that one friend, but I can now balance her with them. I'd be totally lost without those four. Thank you guys, I can now officially say lessons learned.
The Story of Us
Somewhere in this friendship, during all our conversations and fun times, I fell in love.
I suppose that I could start at the beginning, but I'm not exactly sure where that is. I could start with the first day I worked with you, or the day you wrecked your truck. But to be honest, I feel like I should start with a lengthy conversation we had in the back of a very familiar beat up green truck.
As you know, with my best friend being on vacation, I didn't have anyone to hang out with because I had literally cut nearly everyone but this one friend out of my life. I didn't trust very many people, and didn't like hanging out with anyone else. Things changed the day I sat outside with you for hours and just talked. I admit to thinking you were a stuck up jerk, and I had often said so when people asked what I thought about you. Many things changed that day we talked, I learned that we had some things in common, and that you weren't as stuck up and cocky as I thought you were. I didn't fall in love with you that day, but I think I fell in love with our conversations. We can talk about anything, and I'm not afraid to say what I think. I'm not afraid of what you might think, because I know that you don't judge me. I honestly can't remember a conversation that left me feeling relieved, even happy before that one. I'm sure there are some, but defnitely not on the magnitude of this one.
That next day when I was waiting on Luna to get off work (such a great nickname isn't it?), and we sat talking, once again in that same green truck, I was actually torn between going with her or staying and talking to you. Lucky me, you came too, solving that little problem. I can't decide which moment was more fun, freaking out because of her driving, or actually going to get ice cream and such. I'm leaning towards the driving. Then you decided to announce to us and half the mall that you had to pee, so we escorted you down there, one of us holding one of your hands. Since I'm practically spilling my guts here, I'll go ahead and say that I almost didn't want to let go, and it actually felt weird when I did. I was quite confused about that little spark of emotion.
Wednesday: You weren't with us, and it was nearly disappointing. I had grown to enjoy spending time with you, something rare and awesome. I very rarely enjoyed spending immense amounts of time with any of my guy friends. Luna and I were at Pickthorn, and I was texting you, that much I remember. I also remember Luna and I found Peether, our beloved wild bird. Despite the near disappointment, I was actually kind of glad you weren't with us, because I had some thinking to do. I will honestly admit that I was developing a teeny tiny crush on you, but, as you know, I had a thing for one of our coworkers. I don't really remember the next three days, nothing spectacular happened, so they aren't very important days.
Sunday: I was going to work, and you had just gotten off I believe. I remember sitting with you in the lobby, and talking. Just talking, which was very nice. I still couldn't get over our conversations. I remember you making some smart ass comment about how a coworker was flirting with me, and I used the "I'd rather date you" statement. I was actually joking when I said it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how true the statement was. I didn't like our coworker...I liked you. I had never met a guy who would actually sit and listen to me talk about random things for hours on end just because someone decided to let me have coffee. That shift seemed like it was the longest shift ever, especially when you showed up and were waiting on me to get off work. I know that Luna was there, and so were some other people, but I still had those little butterflies knowing that you were outside waiting for me. I felt like I was drawn to you, I wanted to move as far from you as I possibly could, but everytime I tried, you closed that distance, and everytime you moved away, I moved closer. It freaked me out. By now, I'm running around the parking lot with your motorcycle key, and to this day I still don't know if you were chasing me because I had your key, or if it was because you felt like it. It's not like I could go anywhere, you had my car keys. I remember laying down in the back parking spots, and looking at the stars that were actually visible that night. Laying there one the ground, with my head on your chest, just staring at the sky, I was happy. Beyond happy even. Kissing you that Monday morning...it was perfect. Absolutely perfect. To be honest, I don't have very many words to describe it. Despite the obsticles, it felt right, like it was meant to happen.
Fast forward to ten a.m. that Monday morning, and you're looking like crap and about to get off work. I can seriously say that I was terrified, especially when you insisted that you were driving yourself home.There was no in hell that I was letting you get on your bike when you looked like you were going to pass out at any second. I took you home, and I was afraid to leave you alone, I didn't want anything to happen to you. We carefully avoided the kiss, barely talking about it. Then...SHE brought you up to McDonald's to get your bike. And I cracked. For so long, I'd had this wall up, something to keep the emotions in and the people out. No one had ever broken through it, so I had emotions from years past pent up behind that wall. Once it was gone, everything came tumbling down, making me shake and cry. The fact that you were STILL THERE ddin't help at all. I was relieved when you left...I felt like I could breathe again, and regained my composure.
I have lost count of the days since then, but each one has been just as good as the last. You still kiss me, and hold me in your arms. I still can't breathe when you're around, but only because you take my breath away. I haven't rebuilt my wall because I know that you'll only break through it again. After our first argument, you followed me through five cities, two counties, and some very curvy roads. I think it was then that I realized that I was falling for you, which was probably why I was running away. I was terrified of this new emotion, something I had felt for people, but never like this. Throughout that whole fiasco, I was absolutely terrified that you would simply turn around and go home. I didn't want to lose you...yet I was afraid to hold onto you. I've never been afraid to hang on to something or someone, and just knowing that you would follow around the world and back again is...amazing. Comforting. I feel secure, even safe. Laying in your arms...I feel like nothing can hurt me. I hate leaving you, knowing that the real world lies just outside the edge of our little bubble. You're my best friend, and I love you. I may be going to college in the fall, but I'll always be here for you, what happens in the future doesn't matter. You promised me forever, regardless of where we end up. Here's me doing the same thing: Forever and Always. I'll never let you go, I promise.
I suppose that I could start at the beginning, but I'm not exactly sure where that is. I could start with the first day I worked with you, or the day you wrecked your truck. But to be honest, I feel like I should start with a lengthy conversation we had in the back of a very familiar beat up green truck.
As you know, with my best friend being on vacation, I didn't have anyone to hang out with because I had literally cut nearly everyone but this one friend out of my life. I didn't trust very many people, and didn't like hanging out with anyone else. Things changed the day I sat outside with you for hours and just talked. I admit to thinking you were a stuck up jerk, and I had often said so when people asked what I thought about you. Many things changed that day we talked, I learned that we had some things in common, and that you weren't as stuck up and cocky as I thought you were. I didn't fall in love with you that day, but I think I fell in love with our conversations. We can talk about anything, and I'm not afraid to say what I think. I'm not afraid of what you might think, because I know that you don't judge me. I honestly can't remember a conversation that left me feeling relieved, even happy before that one. I'm sure there are some, but defnitely not on the magnitude of this one.
That next day when I was waiting on Luna to get off work (such a great nickname isn't it?), and we sat talking, once again in that same green truck, I was actually torn between going with her or staying and talking to you. Lucky me, you came too, solving that little problem. I can't decide which moment was more fun, freaking out because of her driving, or actually going to get ice cream and such. I'm leaning towards the driving. Then you decided to announce to us and half the mall that you had to pee, so we escorted you down there, one of us holding one of your hands. Since I'm practically spilling my guts here, I'll go ahead and say that I almost didn't want to let go, and it actually felt weird when I did. I was quite confused about that little spark of emotion.
Wednesday: You weren't with us, and it was nearly disappointing. I had grown to enjoy spending time with you, something rare and awesome. I very rarely enjoyed spending immense amounts of time with any of my guy friends. Luna and I were at Pickthorn, and I was texting you, that much I remember. I also remember Luna and I found Peether, our beloved wild bird. Despite the near disappointment, I was actually kind of glad you weren't with us, because I had some thinking to do. I will honestly admit that I was developing a teeny tiny crush on you, but, as you know, I had a thing for one of our coworkers. I don't really remember the next three days, nothing spectacular happened, so they aren't very important days.
Sunday: I was going to work, and you had just gotten off I believe. I remember sitting with you in the lobby, and talking. Just talking, which was very nice. I still couldn't get over our conversations. I remember you making some smart ass comment about how a coworker was flirting with me, and I used the "I'd rather date you" statement. I was actually joking when I said it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how true the statement was. I didn't like our coworker...I liked you. I had never met a guy who would actually sit and listen to me talk about random things for hours on end just because someone decided to let me have coffee. That shift seemed like it was the longest shift ever, especially when you showed up and were waiting on me to get off work. I know that Luna was there, and so were some other people, but I still had those little butterflies knowing that you were outside waiting for me. I felt like I was drawn to you, I wanted to move as far from you as I possibly could, but everytime I tried, you closed that distance, and everytime you moved away, I moved closer. It freaked me out. By now, I'm running around the parking lot with your motorcycle key, and to this day I still don't know if you were chasing me because I had your key, or if it was because you felt like it. It's not like I could go anywhere, you had my car keys. I remember laying down in the back parking spots, and looking at the stars that were actually visible that night. Laying there one the ground, with my head on your chest, just staring at the sky, I was happy. Beyond happy even. Kissing you that Monday morning...it was perfect. Absolutely perfect. To be honest, I don't have very many words to describe it. Despite the obsticles, it felt right, like it was meant to happen.
Fast forward to ten a.m. that Monday morning, and you're looking like crap and about to get off work. I can seriously say that I was terrified, especially when you insisted that you were driving yourself home.There was no in hell that I was letting you get on your bike when you looked like you were going to pass out at any second. I took you home, and I was afraid to leave you alone, I didn't want anything to happen to you. We carefully avoided the kiss, barely talking about it. Then...SHE brought you up to McDonald's to get your bike. And I cracked. For so long, I'd had this wall up, something to keep the emotions in and the people out. No one had ever broken through it, so I had emotions from years past pent up behind that wall. Once it was gone, everything came tumbling down, making me shake and cry. The fact that you were STILL THERE ddin't help at all. I was relieved when you left...I felt like I could breathe again, and regained my composure.
I have lost count of the days since then, but each one has been just as good as the last. You still kiss me, and hold me in your arms. I still can't breathe when you're around, but only because you take my breath away. I haven't rebuilt my wall because I know that you'll only break through it again. After our first argument, you followed me through five cities, two counties, and some very curvy roads. I think it was then that I realized that I was falling for you, which was probably why I was running away. I was terrified of this new emotion, something I had felt for people, but never like this. Throughout that whole fiasco, I was absolutely terrified that you would simply turn around and go home. I didn't want to lose you...yet I was afraid to hold onto you. I've never been afraid to hang on to something or someone, and just knowing that you would follow around the world and back again is...amazing. Comforting. I feel secure, even safe. Laying in your arms...I feel like nothing can hurt me. I hate leaving you, knowing that the real world lies just outside the edge of our little bubble. You're my best friend, and I love you. I may be going to college in the fall, but I'll always be here for you, what happens in the future doesn't matter. You promised me forever, regardless of where we end up. Here's me doing the same thing: Forever and Always. I'll never let you go, I promise.
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