Distance is something that I am definitely not a stranger too.
I like it, and I generally keep an extraordinary amount between myself and the majority of the people I meet.
Lately, I've found myself drifting closer towards a couple people, one in particular.
It's all very unlike me, I like to keep two or three close friends, and hold the rest at arms length. I know it isn't exactly a healthy thing to do, but I've been fucked over too many times for me to trust very many people. It really isn't anything personal, I just let my past hold me back.
Well, I'm done with all that nonsense.
There's a song from Wicked that made me FINALLY grasp just how far back I've let my past hold me, just how far I've let it drag me down.
The song is called Defying Gravity, which is fitting.
"I think I'll try defying gravity, and you won't bring me down."
My favorite line in the entire song, mainly because there is one figure from my past that holds me back and haunts my nightmares.
You see, I was molested my sophomore year of high school, by the first boy I ever had strong feelings for, the boy that was supposed to be my best friend. It's a little depressing, to say the very least.
Ever since, I've felt absolutely worthless, more like I was an object that a person. It really didn't help that I saw him every day, and knew that all he wanted from me was sexual favors.
That isn't the only thing that weighs heavily on my mind.
I lost my virginity to a guy that didn't even care about me as a person, just convinced me that he did. I was naive, and very innocent, and had no clue what was happening. It was a gift that should have been given to a guy who loved me, but I just threw it away. I was careless. I didn't realize what I had until it was gone.
I had sex with the guy who molested me, one and half years after that particular incident. I still don't remember if I consented to it or not, I was somewhat intoxicated. I suppose I'll never know, mainly because the one person who was there is the guy, and he will say whatever he has too in order to keep himself out of trouble.
Throughtout my high school career, I lost myself.
For the most part, I feel empty inside.
Now.. I want to change that.
I don't want to be a hermit, and that's what I've become unless I go visit Sammi in Conway.
I don't like to go out, I don't like to hang out with anyone.
I don't want to be held down by something that happened two and half years ago.
I want to be that girl who can overcome what's happen in her past, because trust me, there's plenty.
I want to be that girl who defies gravity.
I know for a fact that I can do it, it's just going to take time.
To be honest, I know that I'll also need to cut myself off from the people I hold nearest and dearest to my heart (except Sammi and Megan of course) in order to come to terms with my past and the things I've done. I know that then, and only then, the nightmares will stop.
Maybe then, I'll be able to look in the mirror and love the person that I see there...
It's time to try defying gravity, and never again will I let you bring me down.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Taylor
You intimidate me.
You scare me.
You frustrate me.
Negative emotions, yes, but for some reason, all three of them make me like you.
I find you to be...intriguing to say the least.
One major thing that I can point out is definitely your writing. It's so deep, so beautiful. I have to read everything you post multiple times just to make sure that I can grasp the meaning. The fact that you have such a gift with words intimidates me, and knowing that you read my blog scares me. I literally have to force myself to push the "publish post" button sometimes. I never know what you'll think, or how you react.
For that reason, I keep you as far outside my mental wall as I possibly can. Obviously that's a little difficult because I trust you so much. I feel this..connection to you, almost like you're a magnet or something. I have to watch myself, or else I'll spill all my secrets to you, some that even Sammi doesn't know. I don't trust people easily, so it's not hard to see why trusting you freaks me out. I trust Sammi above anyone else in this universe, but for some reason, I usually feel this weird urge to spill my guts to you.
I also don't want you to know how I truly feel about you, about Jacob, about anyone really.
It scares me.
Hell, YOU scare me.
You're such an honest person. I am too, but I tend to hold back, or not share all of my thoughts. I'm terrified of how you'd react if you knew half the things that crossed my mind, or half the memories I possess. As I mentioned, even Sammi doesn't know some of it.
The closer I find myself getting to you, the more I try to back pedal. Then you do something insanely cute (like going down the slide face first in the park) or something sweet (like the comment on my blog), and I feel myself slipping down the precarious slope I so carefully climbed.
The fact that you can get that kind of reaction out of me intimidates me because before Jacob, no guy could get me to even open up in a conversation.
You have a magnetic personality Taylor, and you intrigue me to the point of forgetting the boundaries I've established, the walls I've built. I don't know how to control that particular reaction, and that scares me.
You have this "tell it like it is" attitude as well, and it honestly makes me cringe sometimes. You don't sugar coat things. For the most part, I don't mind it. However, I don't like to ask your opinions on things, because I'm afraid of what you'll say. Ironically, I value your opinion above most others.
You're like a complex math problem...one that I can't seem to figure out.
Math intidmiates me.
It didn't take me very long to realize that while you're my best guy friend, I have a very hard time controlling my emotions around you. You're such a...well, you're just Taylor.
That's all I can say, mainly because I'm out of ways to describe/explain this...
You scare me.
You frustrate me.
Negative emotions, yes, but for some reason, all three of them make me like you.
I find you to be...intriguing to say the least.
One major thing that I can point out is definitely your writing. It's so deep, so beautiful. I have to read everything you post multiple times just to make sure that I can grasp the meaning. The fact that you have such a gift with words intimidates me, and knowing that you read my blog scares me. I literally have to force myself to push the "publish post" button sometimes. I never know what you'll think, or how you react.
For that reason, I keep you as far outside my mental wall as I possibly can. Obviously that's a little difficult because I trust you so much. I feel this..connection to you, almost like you're a magnet or something. I have to watch myself, or else I'll spill all my secrets to you, some that even Sammi doesn't know. I don't trust people easily, so it's not hard to see why trusting you freaks me out. I trust Sammi above anyone else in this universe, but for some reason, I usually feel this weird urge to spill my guts to you.
I also don't want you to know how I truly feel about you, about Jacob, about anyone really.
It scares me.
Hell, YOU scare me.
You're such an honest person. I am too, but I tend to hold back, or not share all of my thoughts. I'm terrified of how you'd react if you knew half the things that crossed my mind, or half the memories I possess. As I mentioned, even Sammi doesn't know some of it.
The closer I find myself getting to you, the more I try to back pedal. Then you do something insanely cute (like going down the slide face first in the park) or something sweet (like the comment on my blog), and I feel myself slipping down the precarious slope I so carefully climbed.
The fact that you can get that kind of reaction out of me intimidates me because before Jacob, no guy could get me to even open up in a conversation.
You have a magnetic personality Taylor, and you intrigue me to the point of forgetting the boundaries I've established, the walls I've built. I don't know how to control that particular reaction, and that scares me.
You have this "tell it like it is" attitude as well, and it honestly makes me cringe sometimes. You don't sugar coat things. For the most part, I don't mind it. However, I don't like to ask your opinions on things, because I'm afraid of what you'll say. Ironically, I value your opinion above most others.
You're like a complex math problem...one that I can't seem to figure out.
Math intidmiates me.
It didn't take me very long to realize that while you're my best guy friend, I have a very hard time controlling my emotions around you. You're such a...well, you're just Taylor.
That's all I can say, mainly because I'm out of ways to describe/explain this...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
33
33.
It's my favorite number right now, and it literally makes me smile.
You see, I only have 33 days left in this semester.
Which means 33 days left in hell.
HALLELUJAH.
I don't like Russellville one bit, and I definitely do not like Arkansas Tech University.
I would rather waste all of my money on gas just so I can to the one place on this earth that makes me feel at peace, and home.
The University of Central Arkansas, or UCA.
I've been planning on transferring there for a while, but I was going to stay at Tech for a year at least before I transferred.
Unfortunately, some shit went down Monday night after I got off work, and basically sealed the transfer. I will hopefully be able to leave this hell in 33 days, and I can hardly wait.
I went back to Cabot last night with my friend Sarah, so that we could take a break from Russellville, and see some people.
We stopped in Conway on the way back, and I got to see my Twin. Sammi is like...my life.
Anways, we haven't seen each other in a month or so, and we literally attacked one another last night. She made everything so much better, without even really trying too.
We have a special voice that we use for each other, we sing in perfect harmony.
Conway is the home I should be in right now, but I made the mistake of choosing Russellville instead. I fully intend to fix this mistake as soon as I possibly can.
I have 33 days left.
33. Days.
I'm a strong person, I can survive 33 more days, and I know that once it's over and my penance is served, I can somewhere were I actually want to be.
It's my favorite number right now, and it literally makes me smile.
You see, I only have 33 days left in this semester.
Which means 33 days left in hell.
HALLELUJAH.
I don't like Russellville one bit, and I definitely do not like Arkansas Tech University.
I would rather waste all of my money on gas just so I can to the one place on this earth that makes me feel at peace, and home.
The University of Central Arkansas, or UCA.
I've been planning on transferring there for a while, but I was going to stay at Tech for a year at least before I transferred.
Unfortunately, some shit went down Monday night after I got off work, and basically sealed the transfer. I will hopefully be able to leave this hell in 33 days, and I can hardly wait.
I went back to Cabot last night with my friend Sarah, so that we could take a break from Russellville, and see some people.
We stopped in Conway on the way back, and I got to see my Twin. Sammi is like...my life.
Anways, we haven't seen each other in a month or so, and we literally attacked one another last night. She made everything so much better, without even really trying too.
We have a special voice that we use for each other, we sing in perfect harmony.
Conway is the home I should be in right now, but I made the mistake of choosing Russellville instead. I fully intend to fix this mistake as soon as I possibly can.
I have 33 days left.
33. Days.
I'm a strong person, I can survive 33 more days, and I know that once it's over and my penance is served, I can somewhere were I actually want to be.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Everywhere
"'Cause you're everywhere to me,
When I close my eyes, it's you I see."
You're everywhere to me.
Forgetting about you isn't as easy as I thought it would be.
For two months, I've been able to keep the memories locked away, somewhere deep inside my head.
But now, when I'm purposefully trying to forget about them, they keep resurfacing.
For the first time since August, I find myself dreaming about you, missing you.
I toss and turn all night long, constantly waking up to see if you're really there.
Each and every time I awaken, I find myself alone.
Surprise surprise.
We haven't spoken in a month, and I'm just now realizing how much I miss your voice.
I miss the conversations we used to have.
I miss sitting with you in the back of Taylor's truck and just talking.
Anything and everything could be said,
We knew no boundaries.
But you've changed, I've changed.
I'm no longer the most important thing to you,
But you're still important to me.
You still have a very special piece of my heart, you have the only key.
I just want things to go back to the way they were before I fell you, before I gave you that key.
I want us to be the best friends we could have been, if only our emotions hadn't run away with us.
You and I...we could've been great, whether as just friends, or as more.
We never really had a chance though, and that isn't fair.
I hate where we've ended up.
Best friends should never end in a place where we never speak.
You're everywhere to me...
And I wish that you'd just disappear.
When I close my eyes, it's you I see."
You're everywhere to me.
Forgetting about you isn't as easy as I thought it would be.
For two months, I've been able to keep the memories locked away, somewhere deep inside my head.
But now, when I'm purposefully trying to forget about them, they keep resurfacing.
For the first time since August, I find myself dreaming about you, missing you.
I toss and turn all night long, constantly waking up to see if you're really there.
Each and every time I awaken, I find myself alone.
Surprise surprise.
We haven't spoken in a month, and I'm just now realizing how much I miss your voice.
I miss the conversations we used to have.
I miss sitting with you in the back of Taylor's truck and just talking.
Anything and everything could be said,
We knew no boundaries.
But you've changed, I've changed.
I'm no longer the most important thing to you,
But you're still important to me.
You still have a very special piece of my heart, you have the only key.
I just want things to go back to the way they were before I fell you, before I gave you that key.
I want us to be the best friends we could have been, if only our emotions hadn't run away with us.
You and I...we could've been great, whether as just friends, or as more.
We never really had a chance though, and that isn't fair.
I hate where we've ended up.
Best friends should never end in a place where we never speak.
You're everywhere to me...
And I wish that you'd just disappear.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Thank You
I've been thinking about my friends a lot lately, and how grateful I am to them. They're literally my sanity, and I'd like to thank them.
->Samantha: Twin. I don't even know where to begin. You're absolutely amazing, and I'd be a total bitch without you. You aren't afraid to verbally bitch slap me, or shake me until I come back down to earth. I'll be honest and say that I don't know how I survived sixteen years without you. Thank you for being you, and I can't wait until we live together <3
->Marcela: I freakin' love you. All through high school, we were practically attached at the hip. We kind of grew apart when you went to the Phillipines and I started spending all my time with Sammi and Jacob. However, I still think of you as my bestest friend. You've ALWAYS been there for you, for two and half years now. I owe you my confidence. Thank you Cela, for just being that quiet, loving girl that I know.
->Bernard: Well, aside from your wonderful over-use of sarcasm, I love you. For some reason, I text you when I'm having one of my frequent low self-esteem moments. You always tell me things to help build me up, even though I don't believe you half the time. You're truly AWESOME. Thank you (=
->Taylor: As much as you hate it, you are my sunshine. I think you understand me on a level that few people do. You know how to read my pages, and you don't judge me based on what you read. You're the guy that I come to with everything. It was you that I wanted to see when Jacob broke up with me, and you calmed me down. You made me remember how to breath. I am so happy that I stayed at McDonald's that night after close that night and talked to you. It's one of those things that I'll never ever regret. You're truly amazing Taylor, and I love you so very much. Thank you for just being that guy that will sit and listen to me when I'm bawling my eyes out, or hold me while I cry without asking me any questions.
->Megan: Megans. Omg. You're just...beyond words. I don't know how I didn't know you existed until this summer. You're so super sweet, and just...wow. You help me out of sticky situations, and it was you who calmed me down enough to drive to Taylor's after Jacob and I broke up. I am so happy that Sammi introduced us, and I'm so very happy that I got to you know you. You're the big sister I always wanted, and never got to have. You are the triplet to Sammi and I being twins. I love you!!!!!
->Jacob: I feel..required to include you, even though I know that you won't read this. You showed me what love is, and you taught me how to love. It kills me that we aren't really friends anymore, but that was really both of our choice. Thank you for making me a stronger person. You'll always hold a special place in my heart.
Well, that's everyone I think. :)
->Samantha: Twin. I don't even know where to begin. You're absolutely amazing, and I'd be a total bitch without you. You aren't afraid to verbally bitch slap me, or shake me until I come back down to earth. I'll be honest and say that I don't know how I survived sixteen years without you. Thank you for being you, and I can't wait until we live together <3
->Marcela: I freakin' love you. All through high school, we were practically attached at the hip. We kind of grew apart when you went to the Phillipines and I started spending all my time with Sammi and Jacob. However, I still think of you as my bestest friend. You've ALWAYS been there for you, for two and half years now. I owe you my confidence. Thank you Cela, for just being that quiet, loving girl that I know.
->Bernard: Well, aside from your wonderful over-use of sarcasm, I love you. For some reason, I text you when I'm having one of my frequent low self-esteem moments. You always tell me things to help build me up, even though I don't believe you half the time. You're truly AWESOME. Thank you (=
->Taylor: As much as you hate it, you are my sunshine. I think you understand me on a level that few people do. You know how to read my pages, and you don't judge me based on what you read. You're the guy that I come to with everything. It was you that I wanted to see when Jacob broke up with me, and you calmed me down. You made me remember how to breath. I am so happy that I stayed at McDonald's that night after close that night and talked to you. It's one of those things that I'll never ever regret. You're truly amazing Taylor, and I love you so very much. Thank you for just being that guy that will sit and listen to me when I'm bawling my eyes out, or hold me while I cry without asking me any questions.
->Megan: Megans. Omg. You're just...beyond words. I don't know how I didn't know you existed until this summer. You're so super sweet, and just...wow. You help me out of sticky situations, and it was you who calmed me down enough to drive to Taylor's after Jacob and I broke up. I am so happy that Sammi introduced us, and I'm so very happy that I got to you know you. You're the big sister I always wanted, and never got to have. You are the triplet to Sammi and I being twins. I love you!!!!!
->Jacob: I feel..required to include you, even though I know that you won't read this. You showed me what love is, and you taught me how to love. It kills me that we aren't really friends anymore, but that was really both of our choice. Thank you for making me a stronger person. You'll always hold a special place in my heart.
Well, that's everyone I think. :)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Magic
Do you believe in magic?
I will honestly say that I didn't, until this weekend.
No, nothing absolutely spectacular or out of this world happened, but I had the best weekend ever.
Literally.
It all started Friday afternoon in Anthropology. Instead of listening to my professor (like I should've), I started doodling little keys on the margins of my notes.
That reminded me a certain little key that I gave to Jacob at the beginning of the summer.
It occured to me, there, in the middle of Anthropology, that Jacob didn't deserve the key. He never had.
I decided that I wanted it back.
Once I made that decision, everything else sort of fell into place.
I woke up Saturday feeling well rested, and absolutely happy.
My friend Kayla introduced me to Bo Burnham, who has quickly become my favorite comedian (sorry Sam, I know you hate him). I will say that his stuff is extremely catchy and I've been singing "Oh Bo" all weekend.
However, that isn't what made my weekend phenomenal.
Somewhere between the football field and my dorm, I was struck by how beautiful Tech's campus is.
Okay, maybe not the whole campus, but definitely the courtyard between Caraway, Crabaugh, Tomlinson, and Hull.
My dorm room is in Caraway Hall, one of the oldest, and prettiest, buildings on campus. One side faces Arkansas Avenue, and the other faces into campus. If you look at it just right, it almost looks like a building from the early 1700s, or even something from a horror film.
I suppose that's fitting, considering it's supposed to be haunted.
Anyway, while I was walking back to my dorm last night, I started thinking about the book I've been trying to write for a year now.
Then, suddenly...INSPIRATION.
It was like magic. I wrote an entire chapter in two hours last night, and I still don't have writer's block.
I woke up this morning, and pretty much picked up right where I left off when I went to sleep.
I spent the majority of my day dancing around my room like an idiot, singing along to "Oh Bo" and other songs on youtube.
It didn't take very long to realize that I want to be a writer.
I want to write books, and have them published all over the world.
It's kind of thrilling to think about.
I know that I have talent when it comes to writing, but I don't know just how well a book written by me would turn out. I'm so excited though!
I feel like I'm headed in the right direction with my life now.
Now that I've taken possession of my heart again, I feel like I can do anything, be anyone that I want too be. I can't really say how ecstatic that makes me.
I will say that it's magical though.
I feel like I've rediscovered the real me, someone that I've really missed.
I'm not just a broke college kid who can't really support her music addiction.
I'm a writer, a blogger.
I'm a singer, a dancer.
I'm a realist, but I'm also a dreamer.
I'm a lover, a laugher.
I'm a magical human being, and it's about freakin' time I realized this.
Hello world, look out. I'm on my way :)
I will honestly say that I didn't, until this weekend.
No, nothing absolutely spectacular or out of this world happened, but I had the best weekend ever.
Literally.
It all started Friday afternoon in Anthropology. Instead of listening to my professor (like I should've), I started doodling little keys on the margins of my notes.
That reminded me a certain little key that I gave to Jacob at the beginning of the summer.
It occured to me, there, in the middle of Anthropology, that Jacob didn't deserve the key. He never had.
I decided that I wanted it back.
Once I made that decision, everything else sort of fell into place.
I woke up Saturday feeling well rested, and absolutely happy.
My friend Kayla introduced me to Bo Burnham, who has quickly become my favorite comedian (sorry Sam, I know you hate him). I will say that his stuff is extremely catchy and I've been singing "Oh Bo" all weekend.
However, that isn't what made my weekend phenomenal.
Somewhere between the football field and my dorm, I was struck by how beautiful Tech's campus is.
Okay, maybe not the whole campus, but definitely the courtyard between Caraway, Crabaugh, Tomlinson, and Hull.
My dorm room is in Caraway Hall, one of the oldest, and prettiest, buildings on campus. One side faces Arkansas Avenue, and the other faces into campus. If you look at it just right, it almost looks like a building from the early 1700s, or even something from a horror film.
I suppose that's fitting, considering it's supposed to be haunted.
Anyway, while I was walking back to my dorm last night, I started thinking about the book I've been trying to write for a year now.
Then, suddenly...INSPIRATION.
It was like magic. I wrote an entire chapter in two hours last night, and I still don't have writer's block.
I woke up this morning, and pretty much picked up right where I left off when I went to sleep.
I spent the majority of my day dancing around my room like an idiot, singing along to "Oh Bo" and other songs on youtube.
It didn't take very long to realize that I want to be a writer.
I want to write books, and have them published all over the world.
It's kind of thrilling to think about.
I know that I have talent when it comes to writing, but I don't know just how well a book written by me would turn out. I'm so excited though!
I feel like I'm headed in the right direction with my life now.
Now that I've taken possession of my heart again, I feel like I can do anything, be anyone that I want too be. I can't really say how ecstatic that makes me.
I will say that it's magical though.
I feel like I've rediscovered the real me, someone that I've really missed.
I'm not just a broke college kid who can't really support her music addiction.
I'm a writer, a blogger.
I'm a singer, a dancer.
I'm a realist, but I'm also a dreamer.
I'm a lover, a laugher.
I'm a magical human being, and it's about freakin' time I realized this.
Hello world, look out. I'm on my way :)
Thursday, October 6, 2011
My Daily Soundtrack
My Daily Soundtrack!!!
~I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About by Mayday Parade
~You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keeps Your Heart In The Clouds by Mayday Parade
~Save Your Heart by Mayday Parade
~I Swear This Time I Mean It by Mayday Parade
~Anywhere But Here by Mayday Parade
~Bruised And Scarred by Mayday Parade
~A Shot Across The Bow by Mayday Parade
~Oh Well, Oh Well by Mayday Parade
~No Heroes Allowed by Mayday Parade
~When You See My Friends by Mayday Parade
~You're Dead Wrong by Mayday Parade
~Priceless by Mayday Parade
~Stay by Mayday Parade
~Call Me Hopeless, But Romantic by Mayday Parade
~Everything's An Illusion by Mayday Parade
~I'd Rather Make Mistakes Than Nothing At All by Mayday Parade
~Without The Bitter The Sweet Isn't As Sweet by Mayday Parade
~Happy Endings Are Stories That Haven't Ended Yet by Mayday Parade
~We Are The Kings And Queens by 30 Seconds To Mars
~About A Girl by The Academy Is...
~Firework by Alex Goot and Tyler Ward
~Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low
~Keep The Change You Filthy Animal by All Time Low
~Forget About It by All Time Low
~Weightless by All Time Low
~Sick Little Games by All Time Low
~Damned If I Do Ya by All Time Low
~I'll Run by The Cab
~Risky Business by The Cab
~Zzzz by The Cab
~The 70's Song by The Cab
~Bounce by The Cab
~As Long As Your There by Charice
~Jar Of Hearts by Christina Perri
~Practice Makes Perfect by Cute Is What We Aim For
~Belle Of The Boulevard by Dashboard Confessional
~The Writer by Ellie Goulding
~Lights by Ellie Goulding
~Guns and Horses by Ellie Goulding
~Slow Me Down by Emmy Rossum
~All About Us by He Is We
~Mr. Brightside by The Killers
~Into Your Arms by The Maine
~Float On by Modest Mouse
~Satellite Skin by Modest Mouse
~Something Beautiful by NEEDTOBREATHE
~Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings
~If You Only Knew by Shinedown
~Why by Secondhand Serenade
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Music + Writing = My Life
"You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keeps Your Heart In The Clouds"
And honestly, I have been begging for answers
That you and only you can give to me
My voice crying loud
I've been crying for days now
And as I start to run, I stop to breathe
(And I was nearly scared to death)
And I was nearly scared to death
(Why you left in paragraphs)
Why you left in paragraphs
(The words were nearly over us)
The words were nearly over us
You stop and turn and grab your bags
And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question.
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"
As hours move to minutes
And minutes take longer to break
I will be desperately awaiting
But my tongue won't fall apart
And we've been sitting here for hours
All alone and in the dark
So let me think of how to word it
Is it too soon to say 'perfect'?
If I could find another thirty minutes somewhere
I'm sure everything would find me
All that's left is just to sing
And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question.
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"
And if you sing to me sweet until then,
I may never sail Virginia again
And as this current moves slow for me
This much you must know we'll meet again
And I'll have you know I'm scared to death
Tell me once again
That you'll love me to the death
And should I die, you swear that you will come for me
As I fade away, you reach out your hand
(And please don't let me go)
And please don't let me go
(And please don't let me go)
And please don't let me go
And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question.
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"
Music gives me wings, Words give me a voice.
For the last week, I've felt like I've lost my wings, and my voice.
I had bronchitis to top it all off, so I couldn't sing. Singing has become a huge part of my life since I've left for Russellville.
I'm not really sure what was up with my writing here lately, but I simply hated everything that I wrote.
I mean that literally.
But now...now I've found my wings and my voice.
I found them both in lyrics by Mayday Parade.
MAYDAY PARADE.
They're my absolute favorite band, and they write truly amazing songs. The lyrics speak to me in a way that few songs do. It's almost like they stalk me and write songs about my life.
Speaking of life, this band saved mine.
Not that I was suicidal, because I wasn't. I was just very lost.
Mayday Parade is also the band that put me on the road to being over Jacob.
I can't really explain that, I just know that it's true.
I have yet to find a song by them that I don't like.
I don't really have a favorite one though, they're all extremely good.
However, there is one that speaks to me than all the others.
"You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keeps Your Heart In The Clouds".
Yes, I realize that the title is long.
Regardless, this song is me. Well, it would be if I was a song.
This was the very first song that I heard by Mayday Parade, and it holds the most meaning to me.
It's so beautiful, and oddly powerful.
It begins with "And honestly I've been begging for answers, that you and only you can give to me. A voice crying loud, I've been crying for days now, and as I start to run, I stop to breathe."
For little over three months now, I've been searching for answers, and Jacob is the only person who can give them to me. I used to cry all the freakin' time, but now, I just don't care anymore. I can't seem to bring myself to cry. I don't run anymore, my pause for air has become a fixed place of rest for the time being.
I start my day with this song, and I end it with this song as well.
Mayday Parade gave me my wings again, and they helped me find my words.
Music gives me wings, Words give me a voice.
And honestly, I have been begging for answers
That you and only you can give to me
My voice crying loud
I've been crying for days now
And as I start to run, I stop to breathe
(And I was nearly scared to death)
And I was nearly scared to death
(Why you left in paragraphs)
Why you left in paragraphs
(The words were nearly over us)
The words were nearly over us
You stop and turn and grab your bags
And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question.
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"
As hours move to minutes
And minutes take longer to break
I will be desperately awaiting
But my tongue won't fall apart
And we've been sitting here for hours
All alone and in the dark
So let me think of how to word it
Is it too soon to say 'perfect'?
If I could find another thirty minutes somewhere
I'm sure everything would find me
All that's left is just to sing
And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question.
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"
And if you sing to me sweet until then,
I may never sail Virginia again
And as this current moves slow for me
This much you must know we'll meet again
And I'll have you know I'm scared to death
Tell me once again
That you'll love me to the death
And should I die, you swear that you will come for me
As I fade away, you reach out your hand
(And please don't let me go)
And please don't let me go
(And please don't let me go)
And please don't let me go
And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question.
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"
Music gives me wings, Words give me a voice.
For the last week, I've felt like I've lost my wings, and my voice.
I had bronchitis to top it all off, so I couldn't sing. Singing has become a huge part of my life since I've left for Russellville.
I'm not really sure what was up with my writing here lately, but I simply hated everything that I wrote.
I mean that literally.
But now...now I've found my wings and my voice.
I found them both in lyrics by Mayday Parade.
MAYDAY PARADE.
They're my absolute favorite band, and they write truly amazing songs. The lyrics speak to me in a way that few songs do. It's almost like they stalk me and write songs about my life.
Speaking of life, this band saved mine.
Not that I was suicidal, because I wasn't. I was just very lost.
Mayday Parade is also the band that put me on the road to being over Jacob.
I can't really explain that, I just know that it's true.
I have yet to find a song by them that I don't like.
I don't really have a favorite one though, they're all extremely good.
However, there is one that speaks to me than all the others.
"You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keeps Your Heart In The Clouds".
Yes, I realize that the title is long.
Regardless, this song is me. Well, it would be if I was a song.
This was the very first song that I heard by Mayday Parade, and it holds the most meaning to me.
It's so beautiful, and oddly powerful.
It begins with "And honestly I've been begging for answers, that you and only you can give to me. A voice crying loud, I've been crying for days now, and as I start to run, I stop to breathe."
For little over three months now, I've been searching for answers, and Jacob is the only person who can give them to me. I used to cry all the freakin' time, but now, I just don't care anymore. I can't seem to bring myself to cry. I don't run anymore, my pause for air has become a fixed place of rest for the time being.
I start my day with this song, and I end it with this song as well.
Mayday Parade gave me my wings again, and they helped me find my words.
Music gives me wings, Words give me a voice.
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