Defying Gravity

Distance is something that I am definitely not a stranger too.
I like it, and I generally keep an extraordinary amount between myself and the majority of the people I meet.
Lately, I've found myself drifting closer towards a couple people, one in particular.
It's all very unlike me, I like to keep two or three close friends, and hold the rest at arms length. I know it isn't exactly a healthy thing to do, but I've been fucked over too many times for me to trust very many people. It really isn't anything personal, I just let my past hold me back.
Well, I'm done with all that nonsense.
There's a song from Wicked that made me FINALLY grasp just how far back I've let my past hold me, just how far I've let it drag me down.
The song is called Defying Gravity, which is fitting.
"I think I'll try defying gravity, and you won't bring me down."
My favorite line in the entire song, mainly because there is one figure from my past that holds me back and haunts my nightmares.
You see, I was molested my sophomore year of high school, by the first boy I ever had strong feelings for, the boy that was supposed to be my best friend. It's a little depressing, to say the very least.
Ever since, I've felt absolutely worthless, more like I was an object that a person. It really didn't help that I saw him every day, and knew that all he wanted from me was sexual favors.
That isn't the only thing that weighs heavily on my mind.
I lost my virginity to a guy that didn't even care about me as a person, just convinced me that he did. I was naive, and very innocent, and had no clue what was happening. It was a gift that should have been given to a guy who loved me, but I just threw it away. I was careless. I didn't realize what I had until it was gone.
I had sex with the guy who molested me, one and half years after that particular incident. I still don't remember if I consented to it or not, I was somewhat intoxicated. I suppose I'll never know, mainly because the one person who was there is the guy, and he will say whatever he has too in order to keep himself out of trouble.
Throughtout my high school career, I lost myself.
For the most part, I feel empty inside.
Now.. I want to change that.
I don't want to be a hermit, and that's what I've become unless I go visit Sammi in Conway.
I don't like to go out, I don't like to hang out with anyone.
I don't want to be held down by something that happened two and half years ago.
I want to be that girl who can overcome what's happen in her past, because trust me, there's plenty.
I want to be that girl who defies gravity.
I know for a fact that I can do it, it's just going to take time.
To be honest, I know that I'll also need to cut myself off from the people I hold nearest and dearest to my heart (except Sammi and Megan of course) in order to come to terms with my past and the things I've done. I know that then, and only then, the nightmares will stop.
Maybe then, I'll be able to look in the mirror and love the person that I see there...
It's time to try defying gravity, and never again will I let you bring me down.