Do You Even Fuckin' Have A Clue?

Do you even fuckin' have a clue?
Yes? Maybe? No?
Well, here's a little view inside my head.
I have a huge crush on my best guy friend.
Yes, it's shocking, I know.
A couple days ago, I told him that he'll always have a little piece of my heart.
His response? "And the same goes for you."
At first, I wasn't sure if he was saying that to what I stated previously, or something else. Our conversation can be a bit confusing sometimes. It turns out that he was saying that in response, so I guess I have a little piece of his heart too.
He's always surprising me too. I went to see him that same day (before any of that was said of course), and he seemed genuinely pleased to see me, almost like he missed me or something.
THEN, later on, he complimented me. It threw me for a loop, and I turned a lovely cherry red color. I'm sure it was very attractive...or at least that's what Sarah tells me.
It's been close to six months since someone's made me smile like he did.
It doesn't really help that my emotions concerning him have always been fuzzy, the lines always a little blurry.
I'm not sure about him, and it's always been like that. I've let myself get close to him, and I don't usually let myself get very close to anyone of the male gender. So, naturally, my first instinct is to push him away.
That never happens.
Instead, I find myself being drawn towards him, almost like an invisible line is pulling me closer to him.
I can even forget about Jacob whenever he's around, which something that even Sammi has trouble accomplishing.
But throughout all these beautiful thoughts, I still don't know how I feel about him.
There's always going to be a part me that likes him, I know that. He does have a piece of my heart after all.
Even so, I still tell people no when they ask me if I like him.
But.. I don't know if I like him or not. And I don't like lying.
Not knowing how I feel is driving me up the wall.
He's the one boy that I shouldn't find confusing, so naturally, he's the one that confuses me the most.
Oh the irony.
He's a constant in my life, someone that is always there for me when I need him.
He truly is my best friend.
He's my sunshine.
I wish that I wasn't afraid to talk to him about these things, I wish that I wasn't afraid of hitting the "Publish Post" button when I finish typing this.
Plus, there's the inevitable physical reactions.
Whenever he smiles at me, whether it's because of something I've said or done, my stomach turns itself inside out, my heart does flips. My heartbeat speeds up, I can't think straight, and I can't help but smile back.
I don't often desire any physical contact that's more than a hug, but, for some reason, you make me crave contact with you.
I'll admit that that's why I like to hug you...well, that and you give amazing hugs.
I don't just crave contact though...I crave YOU.
It's almost ridiculous to be perfectly honest.
You make me want all the little things...a hug here, a smile there.
Any attempt to explain what those mean to me could take years, so I won't do that.
Remember when I kissed you one top of your head the other night? I swear that I felt like electricity was coursing through my body, and that's absolutely insane.
You make me feel things...things that I never expected to feel towards you.
You make me feel like jell-o.
And the tongue thing...ugh.
That is so not cool.
I don't think you realize that you do it, but you do. And you do it often.
As much as I wish it weren't true.. I think I'm falling for you.
It's not wise, and I don't know if anything good will come out of this.
I ask if you even fuckin' have a clue, and you might.
You seem to know what I'm thinking before I can even tell you.
But, I have to ask anyway, just because I'm absolutely crazy.
Do you even fuckin' have a clue?