Strength

I've never really thought about strength before, or whether I was strong.
I guess I've always assumed that I'm not.
However, I had a lovely argument with Megan, Sammi, and Bernard the other night after finding out some disturbing news.
Two people, that I trusted to at least respect my privacy, didn't.
I found out that they read my journal, something so personal that even Sammi hasn't read it.
My deepest, darkest secrets are in that little book, and now people know them.
I was also informed that they took pictures of some of the pages, and actually sent them out to people.
Needless to say, that HURT.
I felt like I'd been emotionally and mentally molested.
I'd hit my knees, and didn't want to get back up.
Most of you reading this got a facebook message about it, explaining that I may not act like myself for a while.  Bernard was the first to respond, and upon filling him in, I realized he was mad. Madder than I was.
I'm not the sort of person to let people fight my battles, nor will I let them "kill" those responsible.
Sammi and Megan got equally pissed, I'm lucky that I didn't have company that night. Company that came with baseball bats and some serious anger.
Anyway, Bernard has what I like to call "Bernard's Dictionary of Definitions to Prove Mareena Wrong", and he uses it against me all the freakin' time.
I made the mistake of telling him that I'm not a strong a person, so, naturally, he pulls one of those definitions out of his "mind catalog", and starts contradicting me.
This is what I got: "Courage takes strength. In fact, it's in the definition. Courage is the strength to overcome and obstacle, whether it be fear, social stigmas, or peer pressures."
Megan and Sammi put in their two cents, basically agreeing with Bernard, just in longer paragraphs.
I finally broke down and agreed, especially after Sammi pointed out that I think like an artist, and that I have a cow when someone accuses me of being a coward.
So, when I woke up this morning, I was feeling very inquisitive.
The first question I asked myself was: How am I strong?
I've been thinking about it all day, on and off between my other questions.
My answer?
I always get back up when I fall down.
I fight for the things that are worth fighting for, but have the strength to let go of the things that aren't.
When I'm at my most vulnerable is actually when I'm at my strongest.
I hate being afraid, and face my fears because they piss me off.
I told someone how I feel about them, even though they probably won't have the same feelings for me.
But the biggest reason is this: I always get back up when someone knocks me down.
Yeah, my privacy was invaded, and some of my secrets are out for the world to see.
But you know what?
To hell with it, it doesn't even matter.
Why?
Because I'm already standing back up.