Love

Love (noun): a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 

Love. So much meaning in such a small, four letter word.

You can find quotes about it all over the internet, romance books are written about it, people sing about it.

But what is it?

"A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person."

Yes, that's very true, but it's so much more than that.

Love isn't just something you feel, it's a way that you act, a way that you live.

Love is watching your younger siblings grow up and wondering just what they're going to be one day.

Love is holding your best friend's baby sister, and realizing how much you can love a creature that isn't even your own.

Love is naming people as your brothers or sisters when you already have too many, but you just love them so much it's impossible to see them as anything else.

Love is sacrificing your free time to be with a father who is schizophrenic and trusts you more than anyone else.

Love is giving your last twenty bucks to a poor woman with three kids that she can barely afford to feed.

Love is volunteering at a daycare and falling completely in love with one baby boy, and feeling your heart break because his mother's so poor she can hardly afford to feed him.

Love is being eighteen-years-old with a baby-mama that doesn't want you around and feeling your heart shatter because of that.

Love is wishing you could hold said eighteen-year-old because you can only imagine how bad they must be hurting.

Love is simply being there for someone, listening to what they have to say, holding them as they cry, and wiping away their tears. 

Love is so much more than a four letter word.

Love is an action, a way to live.

Love everyone, especially your enemies.

Remember:

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 

-- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a.

I'd Hate To Be You

I'd hate to be you when you wake up and realize just how far away I've run.
I may be a believer in second chances, even third ones, but I'm not giving you anymore babe.
You've wasted them, and you've wasted my time.
I'm so done with you.
I'm done wishing that you were still mine, if you were ever mine.
You...were a waste of time.
I don't wish away my memories, nor do I think I'll ever stop loving you.
But...you were still a waste of time.
You're also a jerk, just so you're aware.
I'm furious with you, to be honest.
You haven't spoken to me in a month, and then you suddenly need my help.
Oh, and you decide to tell me that you were in a car wreck, and that you were hurt.
WHAT. THE. HELL.
Did you call because you knew I was the one person in your life who would be willing to go around the universe and back to help you?
Did you tell me about the wreck because you knew I'd want to know and that I'd flip the fuck out?
Or did you really call because there was a time when we were best friends, and you know just how much I care?
My best guess is that you called because know I'd do anything for you.
Well, fuck that.
I can't be that girl you call just because you need something.
Best friends? Sure, we can be friends.
But only after you get your priorities straight.
My heart is in the right place for once.
Where's yours?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
I'll still be there you for you, but I'll be miles away.
I'd hate to be you when you realize what you've lost.

Strength

I've never really thought about strength before, or whether I was strong.
I guess I've always assumed that I'm not.
However, I had a lovely argument with Megan, Sammi, and Bernard the other night after finding out some disturbing news.
Two people, that I trusted to at least respect my privacy, didn't.
I found out that they read my journal, something so personal that even Sammi hasn't read it.
My deepest, darkest secrets are in that little book, and now people know them.
I was also informed that they took pictures of some of the pages, and actually sent them out to people.
Needless to say, that HURT.
I felt like I'd been emotionally and mentally molested.
I'd hit my knees, and didn't want to get back up.
Most of you reading this got a facebook message about it, explaining that I may not act like myself for a while.  Bernard was the first to respond, and upon filling him in, I realized he was mad. Madder than I was.
I'm not the sort of person to let people fight my battles, nor will I let them "kill" those responsible.
Sammi and Megan got equally pissed, I'm lucky that I didn't have company that night. Company that came with baseball bats and some serious anger.
Anyway, Bernard has what I like to call "Bernard's Dictionary of Definitions to Prove Mareena Wrong", and he uses it against me all the freakin' time.
I made the mistake of telling him that I'm not a strong a person, so, naturally, he pulls one of those definitions out of his "mind catalog", and starts contradicting me.
This is what I got: "Courage takes strength. In fact, it's in the definition. Courage is the strength to overcome and obstacle, whether it be fear, social stigmas, or peer pressures."
Megan and Sammi put in their two cents, basically agreeing with Bernard, just in longer paragraphs.
I finally broke down and agreed, especially after Sammi pointed out that I think like an artist, and that I have a cow when someone accuses me of being a coward.
So, when I woke up this morning, I was feeling very inquisitive.
The first question I asked myself was: How am I strong?
I've been thinking about it all day, on and off between my other questions.
My answer?
I always get back up when I fall down.
I fight for the things that are worth fighting for, but have the strength to let go of the things that aren't.
When I'm at my most vulnerable is actually when I'm at my strongest.
I hate being afraid, and face my fears because they piss me off.
I told someone how I feel about them, even though they probably won't have the same feelings for me.
But the biggest reason is this: I always get back up when someone knocks me down.
Yeah, my privacy was invaded, and some of my secrets are out for the world to see.
But you know what?
To hell with it, it doesn't even matter.
Why?
Because I'm already standing back up.

Do You Even Fuckin' Have A Clue?

Do you even fuckin' have a clue?
Yes? Maybe? No?
Well, here's a little view inside my head.
I have a huge crush on my best guy friend.
Yes, it's shocking, I know.
A couple days ago, I told him that he'll always have a little piece of my heart.
His response? "And the same goes for you."
At first, I wasn't sure if he was saying that to what I stated previously, or something else. Our conversation can be a bit confusing sometimes. It turns out that he was saying that in response, so I guess I have a little piece of his heart too.
He's always surprising me too. I went to see him that same day (before any of that was said of course), and he seemed genuinely pleased to see me, almost like he missed me or something.
THEN, later on, he complimented me. It threw me for a loop, and I turned a lovely cherry red color. I'm sure it was very attractive...or at least that's what Sarah tells me.
It's been close to six months since someone's made me smile like he did.
It doesn't really help that my emotions concerning him have always been fuzzy, the lines always a little blurry.
I'm not sure about him, and it's always been like that. I've let myself get close to him, and I don't usually let myself get very close to anyone of the male gender. So, naturally, my first instinct is to push him away.
That never happens.
Instead, I find myself being drawn towards him, almost like an invisible line is pulling me closer to him.
I can even forget about Jacob whenever he's around, which something that even Sammi has trouble accomplishing.
But throughout all these beautiful thoughts, I still don't know how I feel about him.
There's always going to be a part me that likes him, I know that. He does have a piece of my heart after all.
Even so, I still tell people no when they ask me if I like him.
But.. I don't know if I like him or not. And I don't like lying.
Not knowing how I feel is driving me up the wall.
He's the one boy that I shouldn't find confusing, so naturally, he's the one that confuses me the most.
Oh the irony.
He's a constant in my life, someone that is always there for me when I need him.
He truly is my best friend.
He's my sunshine.
I wish that I wasn't afraid to talk to him about these things, I wish that I wasn't afraid of hitting the "Publish Post" button when I finish typing this.
Plus, there's the inevitable physical reactions.
Whenever he smiles at me, whether it's because of something I've said or done, my stomach turns itself inside out, my heart does flips. My heartbeat speeds up, I can't think straight, and I can't help but smile back.
I don't often desire any physical contact that's more than a hug, but, for some reason, you make me crave contact with you.
I'll admit that that's why I like to hug you...well, that and you give amazing hugs.
I don't just crave contact though...I crave YOU.
It's almost ridiculous to be perfectly honest.
You make me want all the little things...a hug here, a smile there.
Any attempt to explain what those mean to me could take years, so I won't do that.
Remember when I kissed you one top of your head the other night? I swear that I felt like electricity was coursing through my body, and that's absolutely insane.
You make me feel things...things that I never expected to feel towards you.
You make me feel like jell-o.
And the tongue thing...ugh.
That is so not cool.
I don't think you realize that you do it, but you do. And you do it often.
As much as I wish it weren't true.. I think I'm falling for you.
It's not wise, and I don't know if anything good will come out of this.
I ask if you even fuckin' have a clue, and you might.
You seem to know what I'm thinking before I can even tell you.
But, I have to ask anyway, just because I'm absolutely crazy.
Do you even fuckin' have a clue?

Defying Gravity

Distance is something that I am definitely not a stranger too.
I like it, and I generally keep an extraordinary amount between myself and the majority of the people I meet.
Lately, I've found myself drifting closer towards a couple people, one in particular.
It's all very unlike me, I like to keep two or three close friends, and hold the rest at arms length. I know it isn't exactly a healthy thing to do, but I've been fucked over too many times for me to trust very many people. It really isn't anything personal, I just let my past hold me back.
Well, I'm done with all that nonsense.
There's a song from Wicked that made me FINALLY grasp just how far back I've let my past hold me, just how far I've let it drag me down.
The song is called Defying Gravity, which is fitting.
"I think I'll try defying gravity, and you won't bring me down."
My favorite line in the entire song, mainly because there is one figure from my past that holds me back and haunts my nightmares.
You see, I was molested my sophomore year of high school, by the first boy I ever had strong feelings for, the boy that was supposed to be my best friend. It's a little depressing, to say the very least.
Ever since, I've felt absolutely worthless, more like I was an object that a person. It really didn't help that I saw him every day, and knew that all he wanted from me was sexual favors.
That isn't the only thing that weighs heavily on my mind.
I lost my virginity to a guy that didn't even care about me as a person, just convinced me that he did. I was naive, and very innocent, and had no clue what was happening. It was a gift that should have been given to a guy who loved me, but I just threw it away. I was careless. I didn't realize what I had until it was gone.
I had sex with the guy who molested me, one and half years after that particular incident. I still don't remember if I consented to it or not, I was somewhat intoxicated. I suppose I'll never know, mainly because the one person who was there is the guy, and he will say whatever he has too in order to keep himself out of trouble.
Throughtout my high school career, I lost myself.
For the most part, I feel empty inside.
Now.. I want to change that.
I don't want to be a hermit, and that's what I've become unless I go visit Sammi in Conway.
I don't like to go out, I don't like to hang out with anyone.
I don't want to be held down by something that happened two and half years ago.
I want to be that girl who can overcome what's happen in her past, because trust me, there's plenty.
I want to be that girl who defies gravity.
I know for a fact that I can do it, it's just going to take time.
To be honest, I know that I'll also need to cut myself off from the people I hold nearest and dearest to my heart (except Sammi and Megan of course) in order to come to terms with my past and the things I've done. I know that then, and only then, the nightmares will stop.
Maybe then, I'll be able to look in the mirror and love the person that I see there...
It's time to try defying gravity, and never again will I let you bring me down.

Taylor

You intimidate me.
You scare me.
You frustrate me.
Negative emotions, yes, but for some reason, all three of them make me like you.
I find you to be...intriguing to say the least.
One major thing that I can point out is definitely your writing. It's so deep, so beautiful. I have to read everything you post multiple times just to make sure that I can grasp the meaning. The fact that you have such a gift with words intimidates me, and knowing that you read my blog scares me. I literally have to force myself to push the "publish post" button sometimes. I never know what you'll think, or how you react.
For that reason, I keep you as far outside my mental wall as I possibly can. Obviously that's a little difficult because I trust you so much. I feel this..connection to you, almost like you're a magnet or something. I have to watch myself, or else I'll spill all my secrets to you, some that even Sammi doesn't know. I don't trust people easily, so it's not hard to see why trusting you freaks me out. I trust Sammi above anyone else in this universe, but for some reason, I usually feel this weird urge to spill my guts to you.
I also don't want you to know how I truly feel about you, about Jacob, about anyone really.
It scares me.
Hell, YOU scare me.
You're such an honest person. I am too, but I tend to hold back, or not share all of my thoughts. I'm terrified of how you'd react if you knew half the things that crossed my mind, or half the memories I possess. As I mentioned, even Sammi doesn't know some of it.
The closer I find myself getting to you, the more I try to back pedal. Then you do something insanely cute (like going down the slide face first in the park) or something sweet (like the comment on my blog), and I feel myself slipping down the precarious slope I so carefully climbed.
The fact that you can get that kind of reaction out of me intimidates me because before Jacob, no guy could get me to even open up in a conversation.
You have a magnetic personality Taylor, and you intrigue me to the point of forgetting the boundaries I've established, the walls I've built. I don't know how to control that particular reaction, and that scares me.
You have this "tell it like it is" attitude as well, and it honestly makes me cringe sometimes. You don't sugar coat things. For the most part, I don't mind it. However, I don't like to ask your opinions on things, because I'm afraid of what you'll say. Ironically, I value your opinion above most others.
You're like a complex math problem...one that I can't seem to figure out.
Math intidmiates me.
It didn't take me very long to realize that while you're my best guy friend, I have a very hard time controlling my emotions around you. You're such a...well, you're just Taylor.
That's all I can say, mainly because I'm out of ways to describe/explain this...

33

33.
It's my favorite number right now, and it literally makes me smile.
You see, I only have 33 days left in this semester.
Which means 33 days left in hell.
HALLELUJAH.
I don't like Russellville one bit, and I definitely do not like Arkansas Tech University.
I would rather waste all of my money on gas just so I can to the one place on this earth that makes me feel at peace, and home.
The University of Central Arkansas, or UCA.
I've been planning on transferring there for a while, but I was going to stay at Tech for a year at least before I transferred.
Unfortunately, some shit went down Monday night after I got off work, and basically sealed the transfer. I will hopefully be able to leave this hell in 33 days, and I can hardly wait.
I went back to Cabot last night with my friend Sarah, so that we could take a break from Russellville, and see some people.
We stopped in Conway on the way back, and I got to see my Twin. Sammi is like...my life.
Anways, we haven't seen each other in a month or so, and we literally attacked one another last night. She made everything so much better, without even really trying too.
We have a special voice that we use for each other, we sing in perfect harmony.
Conway is the home I should be in right now, but I made the mistake of choosing Russellville instead. I fully intend to fix this mistake as soon as I possibly can.
I have 33 days left.
33. Days.
I'm a strong person, I can survive 33 more days, and I know that once it's over and my penance is served, I can somewhere were I actually want to be.

Everywhere

"'Cause you're everywhere to me,
When I close my eyes, it's you I see."

You're everywhere to me.
Forgetting about you isn't as easy as I thought it would be.
For two months, I've been able to keep the memories locked away, somewhere deep inside my head.
But now, when I'm purposefully trying to forget about them, they keep resurfacing.
For the first time since August, I find myself dreaming about you, missing you.
I toss and turn all night long, constantly waking up to see if you're really there.
Each and every time I awaken, I find myself alone.
Surprise surprise.
We haven't spoken in a month, and I'm just now realizing how much I miss your voice.
I miss the conversations we used to have.
I miss sitting with you in the back of Taylor's truck and just talking.
Anything and everything could be said,
We knew no boundaries.
But you've changed, I've changed.
I'm no longer the most important thing to you,
But you're still important to me.
You still have a very special piece of my heart, you have the only key.
I just want things to go back to the way they were before I fell you, before I gave you that key.
I want us to be the best friends we could have been, if only our emotions hadn't run away with us.
You and I...we could've been great, whether as just friends, or as more.
We never really had a chance though, and that isn't fair.
I hate where we've ended up.
Best friends should never end in a place where we never speak.
You're everywhere to me...
And I wish that you'd just disappear.

Thank You

I've been thinking about my friends a lot lately, and how grateful I am to them. They're literally my sanity, and I'd like to thank them.

->Samantha: Twin. I don't even know where to begin. You're absolutely amazing, and I'd be a total bitch without you. You aren't afraid to verbally bitch slap me, or shake me until I come back down to earth. I'll be honest and say that I don't know how I survived sixteen years without you. Thank you for being you, and I can't wait until we live together <3

->Marcela: I freakin' love you. All through high school, we were practically attached at the hip. We kind of grew apart when you went to the Phillipines and I started spending all my time with Sammi and Jacob. However, I still think of you as my bestest friend. You've ALWAYS been there for you, for two and half years now. I owe you my confidence. Thank you Cela, for just being that quiet, loving girl that I know.

->Bernard: Well, aside from your wonderful over-use of sarcasm, I love you. For some reason, I text you when I'm having one of my frequent low self-esteem moments. You always tell me things to help build me up, even though I don't believe you half the time. You're truly AWESOME. Thank you (=

->Taylor: As much as you hate it, you are my sunshine. I think you understand me on a level that few people do. You know how to read my pages, and you don't judge me based on what you read. You're the guy that I come to with everything. It was you that I wanted to see when Jacob broke up with me, and you calmed me down. You made me remember how to breath. I am so happy that I stayed at McDonald's that night after close that night and talked to you. It's one of those things that I'll never ever regret. You're truly amazing Taylor, and I love you so very much. Thank you for just being that guy that will sit and listen to me when I'm bawling my eyes out, or hold me while I cry without asking me any questions.

->Megan: Megans. Omg. You're just...beyond words. I don't know how I didn't know you existed until this summer. You're so super sweet, and just...wow. You help me out of sticky situations, and it was you who calmed me down enough to drive to Taylor's after Jacob and I broke up. I am so happy that Sammi introduced us, and I'm so very happy that I got to you know you. You're the big sister I always wanted, and never got to have. You are the triplet to Sammi and I being twins. I love you!!!!!

->Jacob: I feel..required to include you, even though I know that you won't read this. You showed me what love is, and you taught me how to love. It kills me that we aren't really friends anymore, but that was really both of our choice. Thank you for making me a stronger person. You'll always hold a special place in my heart.

Well, that's everyone I think. :)

Magic

Do you believe in magic?
I will honestly say that I didn't, until this weekend.
No, nothing absolutely spectacular or out of this world happened, but I had the best weekend ever.
Literally.
It all started Friday afternoon in Anthropology. Instead of listening to my professor (like I should've), I started doodling little keys on the margins of my notes.
That reminded me a certain little key that I gave to Jacob at the beginning of the summer.
It occured to me, there, in the middle of Anthropology, that Jacob didn't deserve the key. He never had.
I decided that I wanted it back.
Once I made that decision, everything else sort of fell into place.
I woke up Saturday feeling well rested, and absolutely happy.
My friend Kayla introduced me to Bo Burnham, who has quickly become my favorite comedian (sorry Sam, I know you hate him). I will say that his stuff is extremely catchy and I've been singing "Oh Bo" all weekend.
However, that isn't what made my weekend phenomenal.
Somewhere between the football field and my dorm, I was struck by how beautiful Tech's campus is.
Okay, maybe not the whole campus, but definitely the courtyard between Caraway, Crabaugh, Tomlinson, and Hull.
My dorm room is in Caraway Hall, one of the oldest, and prettiest, buildings on campus. One side faces Arkansas Avenue, and the other faces into campus. If you look at it just right, it almost looks like a building from the early 1700s, or even something from a horror film.
I suppose that's fitting, considering it's supposed to be haunted.
Anyway, while I was walking back to my dorm last night, I started thinking about the book I've been trying to write for a year now.
Then, suddenly...INSPIRATION.
It was like magic. I wrote an entire chapter in two hours last night, and I still don't have writer's block.
I woke up this morning, and pretty much picked up right where I left off when I went to sleep.
I spent the majority of my day dancing around my room like an idiot, singing along to "Oh Bo" and other songs on youtube.
It didn't take very long to realize that I want to be a writer.
I want to write books, and have them published all over the world.
It's kind of thrilling to think about.
I know that I have talent when it comes to writing, but I don't know just how well a book written by me would turn out. I'm so excited though!
I feel like I'm headed in the right direction with my life now.
Now that I've taken possession of my heart again, I feel like I can do anything, be anyone that I want too be. I can't really say how ecstatic that makes me.
I will say that it's magical though.
I feel like I've rediscovered the real me, someone that I've really missed.
I'm not just a broke college kid who can't really support her music addiction.
I'm a writer, a blogger.
I'm a singer, a dancer.
I'm a realist, but I'm also a dreamer.
I'm a lover, a laugher.
I'm a magical human being, and it's about freakin' time I realized this.
Hello world, look out. I'm on my way :)

My Daily Soundtrack

My Daily Soundtrack!!!
~I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About by Mayday Parade
~You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keeps Your Heart In The Clouds by Mayday Parade
~Save Your Heart by Mayday Parade
~I Swear This Time I Mean It by Mayday Parade
~Anywhere But Here by Mayday Parade
~Bruised And Scarred by Mayday Parade
~A Shot Across The Bow by Mayday Parade
~Oh Well, Oh Well by Mayday Parade
~No Heroes Allowed by Mayday Parade
~When You See My Friends by Mayday Parade
~You're Dead Wrong by Mayday Parade
~Priceless by Mayday Parade
~Stay by Mayday Parade
~Call Me Hopeless, But Romantic by Mayday Parade
~Everything's An Illusion by Mayday Parade
~I'd Rather Make Mistakes Than Nothing At All by Mayday Parade
~Without The Bitter The Sweet Isn't As Sweet by Mayday Parade
~Happy Endings Are Stories That Haven't Ended Yet by Mayday Parade
~We Are The Kings And Queens by 30 Seconds To Mars
~About A Girl by The Academy Is...
~Firework by Alex Goot and Tyler Ward
~Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low
~Keep The Change You Filthy Animal by All Time Low
~Forget About It by All Time Low
~Weightless by All Time Low
~Sick Little Games by All Time Low
~Damned If I Do Ya by All Time Low
~I'll Run by The Cab
~Risky Business by The Cab
~Zzzz by The Cab
~The 70's Song by The Cab
~Bounce by The Cab
~As Long As Your There by Charice
~Jar Of Hearts by Christina Perri
~Practice Makes Perfect by Cute Is What We Aim For
~Belle Of The Boulevard by Dashboard Confessional
~The Writer by Ellie Goulding
~Lights by Ellie Goulding
~Guns and Horses by Ellie Goulding
~Slow Me Down by Emmy Rossum
~All About Us by He Is We
~Mr. Brightside by The Killers
~Into Your Arms by The Maine
~Float On by Modest Mouse
~Satellite Skin by Modest Mouse
~Something Beautiful by NEEDTOBREATHE
~Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings
~If You Only Knew by Shinedown
~Why by Secondhand Serenade



Music + Writing = My Life

"You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keeps Your Heart In The Clouds"
And honestly, I have been begging for answers
That you and only you can give to me
My voice crying loud
I've been crying for days now
And as I start to run, I stop to breathe
(And I was nearly scared to death)
And I was nearly scared to death
(Why you left in paragraphs)
Why you left in paragraphs
(The words were nearly over us)
The words were nearly over us
You stop and turn and grab your bags

And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question.
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"

As hours move to minutes
And minutes take longer to break
I will be desperately awaiting
But my tongue won't fall apart
And we've been sitting here for hours
All alone and in the dark

So let me think of how to word it
Is it too soon to say 'perfect'?
If I could find another thirty minutes somewhere
I'm sure everything would find me
All that's left is just to sing

And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question.
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"

And if you sing to me sweet until then,
I may never sail Virginia again
And as this current moves slow for me
This much you must know we'll meet again
And I'll have you know I'm scared to death

Tell me once again
That you'll love me to the death
And should I die, you swear that you will come for me
As I fade away, you reach out your hand
(And please don't let me go)
And please don't let me go
(And please don't let me go)
And please don't let me go

And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question.
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"

Music gives me wings, Words give me a voice.
For the last week, I've felt like I've lost my wings, and my voice.
I had bronchitis to top it all off, so I couldn't sing. Singing has become a huge part of my life since I've left for Russellville.
I'm not really sure what was up with my writing here lately, but I simply hated everything that I wrote.
I mean that literally.
But now...now I've found my wings and my voice.
I found them both in lyrics by Mayday Parade.
MAYDAY PARADE.
They're my absolute favorite band, and they write truly amazing songs. The lyrics speak to me in a way that few songs do. It's almost like they stalk me and write songs about my life.
Speaking of life, this band saved mine.
Not that I was suicidal, because I wasn't. I was just very lost.
Mayday Parade is also the band that put me on the road to being over Jacob.
I can't really explain that, I just know that it's true.
I have yet to find a song by them that I don't like.
I don't really have a favorite one though, they're all extremely good.
However, there is one that speaks to me than all the others.
"You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keeps Your Heart In The Clouds".
Yes, I realize that the title is long.
Regardless, this song is me. Well, it would be if I was a song.
This was the very first song that I heard by Mayday Parade, and it holds the most meaning to me.
It's so beautiful, and oddly powerful.
It begins with "And honestly I've been begging for answers, that you and only you can give to me. A voice crying loud, I've been crying for days now, and as I start to run, I stop to breathe."
For little over three months now, I've been searching for answers, and Jacob is the only person who can give them to me. I used to cry all the freakin' time, but now, I just don't care anymore. I can't seem to bring myself to cry. I don't run anymore, my pause for air has become a fixed place of rest for the time being.
I start my day with this song, and I end it with this song as well.
Mayday Parade gave me my wings again, and they helped me find my words.
Music gives me wings, Words give me a voice.

Everything

I'm falling on my knees.
My heart is breaking,
I can feel the cracks widen.
The pain goes deeper
Tears fall down my cheeks,
They fall like rain.
I wrap my arms around myself in a weak attempt to hold myself together.
I'm coming apart at the seams.
Someone calls my name,
But there's only me.
Well, me and the devil.
There's darkness all around me,
and I can hear demons laughing.
My personal hell.
I feel cold arms wrap around me, holding me close.
Satan hands me a blade.
Without a thought, I press it to my skin.
My hand shakes, the tears fall faster.
Satan steadies me, pushed the blade deeper.
"Cut," he hisses, "Cut deep."
And I do.
Over and over again, I slice through my skin.
Deep, angry marks appear.
Blood drips onto the gound.
"Stop!"
I hear the voice, the voice who called my name.
But I can't stop, the devil's hold is too strong.
Suddenly, I see a light.
His light.
I start to fight, to run.
My demons chase me, they pull me back.
Lust.
Greed.
Vanity.
Drinking.
Suicide.
All of them pull me back.
Then, something pulls me towards the light.
I reach the edge,
But I hesitate.
Satan and his demons grab my waist,
Spinning me back into the darkness.
I fight them: pushing, shoving, kicking.
A figure appears, His hand is outstretched,
Reaching out to me.
I fight harder,
I grab his hand.
But I slip,
and I fall to the ground.
I curl up, expecting pain.
None comes.
I look up, and I see His face.
He is smiling, holding back the demons.
Holding back Satan.
He throws back his arms, and they all vanish.
Jesus pulls me into His arms,
and He holds me close.
Together, we walk into the light.

-Mareena Gilbert, January 25, 2011.

I wrote that poem after I first saw the Everything skit at church retreat.
It really hit home with me, and still does today.
When I first saw the skit, it was December 2010, and I was a very lost soul back then.
I wasn't exactly suicidal, but I was into self inflicted pain.
I used to cut myself, sometimes multiple times a day.
I've long since stopped doing that, but the scars still marr my skin, leaving it imperfect.
This skit...this song, changed my life.
I found myself thinking about it today after my classes, probably because my iPod shuffled to the song, and I found the poem hidden in my files on my laptop.
It sort of reminded me of how I was feeling a month ago, but I'm definitely didn't get that bad.
"You are the strength,
That keeps me walking.
You are the hope,
That keeps me trusting.
You are the light,
To my soul.
You are my purpose,
You're everything. "
That verse is favorite part of the entire song. It reminds me of my twin, Sammi. She's my strength 99.9% of the time, just as I'm hers.
She's the one that I turn too when I need someone to talk too, or just someone to hold me while I cry. She's the hope that I have that things will work, and she's the light that keeps from succombing to the darkness.
Thank you for being amazing Sammi, and for just being you.
I love you Twin.
I am so much happier now, and I really don't want people to worry because of that poem. I posted it because I feel like it expresses a part of my past, a part of who I was.
I shouldn't have to hide it...right?

Being Lost...and Being Rediscovered

I can't sleep.
I have way to many thoughts whirling through my head, I swear that I'm about to go insane.
I can't seem to make the thoughts go back into there little folders within my head.
Everything is out there, fighting for my attention.
I'm so hopelessly lost it seems, and I have no clue where to begin finding myself.
The only time I feel like that real me is when I'm with Sammi and Megan, sometimes with Jacob. I suppose it just depends. I'm not exactly afraid to be who I am, I'm just...not quite prepared for people's reactions I suppose.
My friends here in Russellville worry about me, and I understand that some of the things I do aren't exactly normal. Not many people like to shut down, shut out, and write.
But I do.
I like to write, to blog.
It's part of my daily routine in all honesty.
I find it rather soothing.
It helps me to organize and understand what I've got going through my head.
I'll be honest right now: one of the main things I've got in my head is a person. His name is Sean Palmer.
He and I have a lot history, which I won't publicize in this blog out of respect for his privacy. We've been talking lately, much to the disappointment of my Twin. I know that he doesn't deserve my pity, my respect, my love. I know that I shouldn't care about him, nor should I give a shit what he thinks of me.
Unfortunately, I do.
Very few people know this, but Sean was my first love, but not Jacob.
Sean was also the first guy to shatter my heart, and the first guy to make me actually want to lie about what I felt.
What I felt for Jacob is definitely one million times stronger than anything I've ever felt for Sean, but that doesn't excuse the fact that he was still the first guy I fell for.
We've been talking for maybe a couple weeks, and in that short amount of time, I've managed to lose sight of many of the things that are important to me.
With Sean, everything is all about sex.
For those of you who know me well, I'm not very into sex.
I think it's overrated and stupid for the most part.
I've also been talking to my friend Paul Kanatzer for a couple weeks now as well. I've had a teeny tiny crush on him since July or so, and he's a truly an amazing person. The whole time I've been talking to Sean, I've been thinking about some of the things Paul tells me. He sees me as an accepting person, someone who's kind. I suppose that's true, for the most part. He's never seen the dark side of me, the side that does things I don't realy want to do.
To top all of this off: I keep thinking about Sammi and Jacob. I value their opinions above anyone elses (excluding my own of course). Sammi has voiced her disapproval of Sean time and time again, and I haven't even found the guts to tell Jacob what I've been doing.
I woke up this morning with the realization that I was being EXTREMELY STUPID when it came to things.
I've lost sight of what matters most to me over these last two weeks.
I've lost sight of college, and where I want to go in life.
I've lost sight of Jacob, and how strong of a friendship we have.
I've lost sight of my Twin, and how much she means to me.
I've lost sight of my family, and just how much I rely on them.
I've lost sight of everything.
It's time that I take my wake up call and run with it.
I have things that I need to fix, and somethings that I need to end, once and for all.
I know that Jacob doesn't deserve my heart, and he never did.
He and I are meant to be best friends, and that is most likely all we're every going to be.
I can accept that.
I don't feel so lost anymore, but I dont' feel found either.
I suppose I could say that I feel...discovered? No.
I feel like I'm beginning to be discovered. Yeah, that's it.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I don't plan on forgetting it again.
I am Mareena Keigh Gilbert, and I'm beginning to rediscover who I am.

I'll Run

"I can see it your eyes
You're scared
All these things they force you to do aren't fair
I'm here to chase away these tears
Baby, we can chase away these fears.

Because sometimes baby
You fall on your back
But girl, you're three times the lady I'll ever have
and you know, you now it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose.

And I'll run
Have a litle faith in me
You're scared and alone
And I'll run
This where we both break free
I'll bring you home, you home, you home.

I can hear it in your voice
You care
Let me run my fingers through your hair
I'll keep you company at night
Baby, I'm here to make this right."

85. I run when I feel like I should.
For those of you who read the 101 Things blog, number 85 definitely describes me the best.
As my friend Taylor said, it describes me in a nutshell.
When I was in Conway on Wednesday, I decided to spend some time with my Twin, Samantha Weldon. She introduced me to a band called The Cab, and the first song that I ever heard by them was called "I'll Run".
I knew that I'd like it just by the title, but it wasn't what I was expecting.
Someone was running towards someone, rather than away.
This was a new concept to me, I"ll admit it. But I really liked the song, and it reminded me of some old conversations that I'd had with my best friend, Jacob.

"I can see it in your eyes,
You're scared.
All the things they force you to do aren't fair
I'm here to chase away these tears,
Baby we can chase away these fears."
Yes, I was scared. I was scared of falling in love, of being in love, and of losing the one that I loved. I've been molested and raped, which aren't fair.  Jacob chased away the tears that I cried because of it, and he helped to chase away the nightmares.

"Because sometimes baby
You fall on your back.
But girl, you're three times the lady I'll ever have.
And you know, you know it's true.
This is a fight I refuse to lose."
I fell hard, and he caught me. He thought that I deserved better than him, and I suppose that to some that was true. I didn't want any better, and for a very long time, he refused to let me go.

"And I'll run,
Have a little faith in me.
You're scared and alone,
This is where we both break free
I'll bring you home, you home, you home."
One night, after we got in a fight, Jacob followed me through five cities, two counties, and several very dangerous, curvy roads at midnight. He was afraid that if he didn't, he would lose me forever. He made feel free, and almost like I was home when I was with him.

"I can hear it in your voice,
You care.
Let me run my fingers through your hair.
I'll keep you company at night
Baby, I'm here to make this right."
Regardless of what's between us now, he cared about me, and I could always tell. He made me feel like everything was alright, and he loved me.

I'd definitely be lying if I said that I don't miss Jacob, but I think that I've reached that stage where I'm starting to move on while not exactly letting go. I like someone else, but I'll always treasure the memories that I have of me and Jacob.
"I'll Run" by The Cab defnitely helped me realize a few things.
This song speaks to me, and it's my new favorite. My roommate is probably going to shoot me because I listen to it so much.
Thanks Twin, I'm so glad that you introduced me to it.

Valarie

Thursday, September 15, 2011, I found out that my aunt died in a head on car wreck Wednesday night. As if that didn't suck enough, I found out via facebook.
Her name was Valarie Robertson Payne, and she wasn't really my aunt. She was my biological father's best friend, the sister he always wanted because he didn't like my mother.
She was amazing.
I can't even begin to describe how much she meant to me, and I hate that I hadn't made any time to call her in the last few months. She was always there for me, no matter what was going on. She came and picked me up one night after I got into a fight with my mother.
Valarie was...the best.
Her death hit me hard, and I'm just now feeling the full effects.
I'll never hear her voice again, never hear her tell me how much she loves me, how much I mean to her.
It's going to be a long time before I can fully accept that she's gone, and not coming back.
She meant so much to me, still does.
She'll always hold a special place in my heart, and I'll always miss her.

"You're Just a Daydream Away"

Daydreams.
I've been having them a lot lately, especially since I've moved to Russellville.
The object of my daydreams is still living in Cabot, an hour and a half away from me. That may not seem very far, but it is. For me at least.
It's weird going from seeing him every single day to seeing him once a month, if I'm lucky. The boy's always busy, working or in school.
More often than not lately, I find myself drifting off in close, but only consciously. Physically, I'm still wide awake, I just can't actively participate. My mind is far away from the dull confines of classrooms.
I tend to spend the majority of my days at Lake Pickthorn, laying on the levee in Jacob's arms. Another popular one is sitting in the back of Taylor's truck talking to him.
If I'm being honest, I really miss those days.
I miss being able to have conversations like that with my best friend. I miss being held by him.
All Time Low's song, "A Daydream Away", is actually very fitting to this mood of mine.
Ever since Megan and Sammi introduced me to them at the beginning of the summer, I've found at least one song for each of my moods.
Jacob is just a daydream away, no matter where I'm at or what time of day. I wouldn't really know what to say if he was actually mine again, so maybe daysdreams are the best place to keep him...
Or maybe not.
I'd be lying if I said that I'm okay with this.

Blogs

Yesterday, I decided that I was going to delete my old blog (Things I Remember), and actually went so far as to delete all the posts in it, and repost them here. It's unfortunate that I realized after deleting the blogs that I really didn't want to delete Things I Remember, I just wanted a new blog where I could post my more personal, more private thoughts. I don't plan on publicizing this to very many people, especially since these are the personal blogs most people wouldn't usually get to see.
I don't like having my raw emotions out in the open. It's just..not me.
So even though all the blogs from Things I Remember, are posted on here, this will be the blog of pure emotion. I'm laying it all out in here for a few of my close friends to read, so I hope they realize just how special they are to me if I'm allowing them to read this.
(by the way, Things I Remember is still being used, and there will be new posts in it eventually...I hope.)

Pages

My pages are clearly and precisely written.
I know this, just as I know that my story is written on my skin.
I'm actually easy to read, more difficult to understand. Most people choose not to read me becase of the story my pages hold.
For example, when I wear dresses or shorts, the first thing people see are the scars.
Yes, I used to cut, quite frequently in fact. It's one of the chapters that I used to keep hidden, especially when it was freshly written.
It's a chapter written in blood, and full of pain.
My friends still avert their eyes whenever any of my scars are visible, it's almost weird to watch their eyes glance at them before darting away. I suppose that I should be used to it by now.
It took me a long time to realize that seeing what I'd done to myself hurt them more than the actual cuts had hurt me.
Someone once told me that I have this aura of pure sadness. For the most part, I agree. I am by no means depressed, I'm actually a generally happy person.
I do feel things deeply, even emotions that aren't my own.
That too, is written on my pages.
Anyone who takes the time to get to know me can tell that I'm empathetic.
I have sixteen siblings, all of them mean the world to me. Anyone who talks to me knows that.
My five best friends mean everything to me, and I'd do ANYTHING for them.
I'm also pretty sure that there are music notes dancing across my skin as well. Music is in my soul, I'm almost always singing a song, or remembering a piece of sheet music I've seen.
I'm a musician as well as a writer.
Anyone who gets close enough to read AND understand me is special. I'm not exactly complex, but I'm not simply easy.
Some, like Steven, choose not to read me for fear of offending me.
Others, like Taylor, devour the story and eagerly wait for more.
To be honest, I really don't care who reads me or who doesn't, I have one thing that I always say, a sort of warning: You may not like what I see.
My story is written and here to read.
Love it. Hate it. I don't really care.
It is my story after all.

Turtles

I feel like a turtle.
Yes, I understand how weird that sounds, but it's so true.
Here lately, I've taken to locking my true personality away inside a box somewhere in my soul.
I look at this like a turtle hiding itself.
I pull my head in so to speak, and snuggle down in a shell that's meant to protect me from any harm that may head my direction.
It's unfortunate that it doesn't alway work. It sucks when the person who has the power to break you in so many ways is the only person who can draw you out of your shell. It drives me crazy for the most part.
I woke up this morning a very bitter, very bitchy mood. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to go to class, but most of all, I didn't want to face the world. I know that the world didn't necessarily wrong me in anyway whatsoever, but I didn't particularly care this.
I started texting my "twin", Samantha, and she pointed how cold and bitter I was being. She's one of those people who knows me better than I know myself, probably because we're so similar.
I told her that I was just going to leave him, my best friend in the whole world, and shatter his heart like he had mine. She then pointed out that it wasn't like me to think like that, nor would I actually shatter his heart because I don't like it when he's hurting. I've told her several times that when his heart breaks, mine does too. I mean it, it's the honest to God truth.
Anyway, throughout the rest of the day, I slowly realized that I wasn't acting like myself.
I mean, I wasn't being a witch to anyone or anything, I just wasn't myself. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to break my phone in half, I wanted to scream at the top of lungs that I hated him (which is far from the truth). I was locking my true personality up, and it wasn't handling the confines of that teeny tiny safe well. I've gotten so used to being myself in last few months, that my initial gut reactions don't work anymore.
Example: I used to run when things scared me, but now the person I run too is probably the person who scares me the most.
Therefore, I can't lock up my personality up anymore. It pretty much goes back to the turtle thing.
I CAN'T BE A TURTLE ANYMORE.
It just doesn't work that way, and I can't run either.
I've been really down these couple days, but I'll be damned if I'm going to keep it up.
I REFUSE TO LET HIM GET ME DOWN ANYMORE.
I'm going to fight for what I want, and do what I think I need to do. I don't really care what people think of me at this point, I am who I am.
As my friend Ashlyn says, I am beautiful, no matter what they say. I didn't even realize that until I looked in the mirror, and looked past the reflection. I saw who I am, and I saw who I want to be in the future. I have to say, I may not like the physical appearance of the mirror, but you know what? That doesn't matter, it's what's on the inside.
I may be falling apart at the seams, and I definitely feel like I'm losing my mind, but that's okay.
I'll patch myself up, and just keep going. I know what I want, and I know where I'm going. I don't really know exactly I'm going to obtain it just yet, but I'll find a way. If it's meant to be, things will sort themselves out, but that doesn't that I need to just sit around and let things happen. I don't have to accept people's bullshit, and I won't, not anymore. I can make my own path to where I need to be.
I'm going to be the person who decides to stand on a mountain top with a baseball bat as a meteor hurtles towards earth (thanks for that Logan).
It's been a rollercoaster week so far, but it can only get better from here. I say that because I'm not going to let it get worse.
I know where I'm going, and being a turtle doesn't fit into those plans.
Well, venting is done for the evening.
....Does anyone else find it weird that this was inspired by turtles?

My Family

I feel like I have one of the most complicated families in the world.
I've been dwelling on that lately, probably because I'm away at college and sort of miss my mother. I absolutely adore my adoptive mother, no matter how many fights we get into. She's is my mother, and I feel horrible for those few months that I wanted to move out and those two months that I actually lived with my biological mother. A little background: I was adopted my aunt and uncle when I was in the third grade, before that I lived with my grandparents and biological father. My biological father, I call him Turkey (I'll explain later), is a schizophrenic, so he was "unfit" to raise me on his own. My grandparents were my legal guardians, so I grew up absolutely spoiled. In the first grade, I went to live with my aunt and uncle, who later became my mom and dad. I had absolutely no idea who my biological mother was, I had no memories of her as a child. I don't even remember when I first met her, which I suppose is sad.
I have sixteen (yes 16) siblings: 9 sisters and 7 brothers. I guess I should explain that just a little bit...
My biological father remarried twice after divorcing my biological mother.
-Wife number one: Stacey. She already a daughter from a previous marriage named Lexi and she had a son with my father, and they named him Austin.
-Wife number two: Brenda. She had a daughter named Princess and son named Dre from a previous marriage. She and my dad had a son named Jamie. After they split up, she had another son (not with my father) named Kylian. He isn't an actually sibling, but he calls me sissy, so I claim him.
My biological mother remarried after she divorced my father.
-New husband: Pedro. They had three kids together: Pedro, Maria, and Julia. My biological stepfather had an affair, therefore producing a stepsister named Kareena. My brother Pedro has two best friends, John and Dustin, and they are my "adopted" brothers.
My adoptive father remarried after he and my adoptive mother split.
-New wife: Alysha. She had a daughter from a previous marriage, and her name is Cora.
My adoptive mother remarried after she and my dad split.
-New husband: Michael. He had a stepdaughter from his first marriage who treated me like her kid sister. Her name was Melanie, she passed away when I was in eighth grade. He also had two daughters from his first marriage, Malorie and Melissa.
I miss all of my siblings, I'll go ahead and admit that. I love them all with every fiber of my being. Unfortunately, I don't see most of them. When my Turkey (biological father) and Stacey divorced, she took Lexi and Austin and practically disappeared. I haven't seen them since I was about eight years old. I found a picture of me at age three, holding this little tiny baby. It's the first memory I have of any of my siblings, even though Pedro is older. I didn't even he existed until I was in fourth grade though. I didn't even meet Lexi until after Austin was born.
I know playing favorites isn't a nice thing to do, but I have a favorite sibling. I'll openly admit it, and he knows it. My baby brother Jamie is my favorite sibilng. He and I are so alike, it's actually scary. He's half black, and absolutely adorable. I would go to the ends of the earth and back for him. One day when I went to visit him, I found out that his mother was drunk, and that she was letting Prin and Dre smoke weed in the house. Needless to say, I was absolutely pissed, I don't want my thirteen year old brother around that. I talked to my biological father about it, and he told me that Jamie's rarely home anymore because he can't stand the smell of it. I suppose that's reassuring, but Jamie also lives in the ghetto of Jacksonville, about two blocks away from hardcore drug dealers. I want him out of there.
For a long time, I didn't know about Pedro, Kareena, Maria, or Julia. They were a taboo subject in the house, because they were my biological mother's children. I met Pedro on the school bus one day in August, I don't remember what grade I was in. He invited me to his birthday party, and I met Kareena, Maria, and Julia. I remember wanting to cry because until then, I had no idea that I had three other sisters. I moved out of my house in January 2011, and moved in with Patricia (my biological mother). I wanted to get to know her, find out why she hadn't wanted me way back when. I still don't know why...and looking back, moving out was a huge mistake. I missed sixteen years of Pedro's life, and John and Dustin's. I didn't want to miss Maria and Julia's as well. Now..it looks like I don't really have a choice. Ever since I moved back in with my mother, the woman who raised me, Patricia isn't exactly willing to let me back into her house. Especially since I stopped visiting after she and my brother told me that I needed to change my personality. It hurt to know that the people who were supposed to me love unconditionally didn't. I slowly began to realize that. I miss all six of my siblings, in fact, it hurts. I know that Pedro's birthday is in four days, and I also know that I won't be there for it. Not only because I'm away at school, but because I'm not exactly invited. I know that I'll miss Maria and Julia's too. I can't say I'm thrilled about that. I know that I'll miss Kareena's. That girl was named after me, and I'm not even going to be able to watch her grow up.
I guess God gave me a second chance at being an big sister though. Brenda's youngest, Kylian, is just three years old. He may not be a blood sibling, but I love that baby to death. I remember when he was just a tiny thing, he loved to me held. He calls me sissy, and I honestly think of him as my brother. I will do right by him, and I'll be around to watch him grow up. I plan on visiting them as soon as I'm able too.
I grew up in a loving environment, for the most part. My grandparents and biological father love me to death, and would do anything they possibly could for me. My mother would go to the ends of the earth and back for me. I can't really say I'm happy that it took me eighteen years to realize that, but I've finally grasped that concept. My adoptive father may not be as involved in my life as I would like, but I also understand that it's partially my choosing. When he and my mother divorced, he wasn't around as often, especially since he's military. My biological mother...she's something else. I don't know if she loves me or not. I don't know why she chose to walk away after a visitation and never come back. I don't know why she blames my family for her mistakes, and I don't know why she didn't take the oppurtunity to get to know me when she actually had one. My stepmother wasn't very active in my life in the beginning, but now she's trying, and I appreciate it. My stepfather loves me like I'm his own daughter, and sometimes I think of him as my dad.
But...there is one man above anyone else that has been a father figure to me for years. My godparents, Grant and Dawn Parker. Grant has been there for through EVERYTHING. He was the guy that I went to for permission for "dates" or just outings with friends. He was the man that would threaten the boys I liked. He is the one I rememer acting as a father for me throughout my life. I feel like I owe him more than anyone else, since I'm being honest. He's currently stationed in Japan, but my one of my godsisters is here in the states going to school, and I actually have a trip to Dallas planned. I hope to go to Japan as well, to see him and my godmother, as well as my three godbrothers and my other godsister.
I may have an extremely complex family, but I love them all, even the ones who don't love me. I've been dwelling on them a lot lately, more than I usually do. I want to fix all the frayed and broken relationships that I have going on right now. Maybe one day I can, but for now I'm going to concentrate on being the best that I can be, and be the big sister that I know I can be.

Untitled

I have way to many thoughts going through my head right now....I guess that it's time I got them out.
I'm in a very blah mood. Ever since I started college, I've felt like a totally different person, and I can't say that I like it very much.
I'm sort of reverting back to my old ways, I don't like to socialize much anymore.
However, I don't know if it's because I don't trust people, or if it's because I miss my friends from home too much.
Right now, I can't really put my finger on the day I started to become a hermit again, but I know it's happening. Which, I might add, shouldn't be possible since I have a roommate.
Honestly, I feel like I'm falling apart on the inside. My heart isn't healing as fast as I would like it too, and I just feel...alone. I can't really explain it. I've started talking to my friend Taylor more often now because he is one of the few people that I feel completely understands me. It sort of bothers me that I feel misunderstood all the time, by everyone.
I know that people judge harshly, but things aren't always what they seem.
To most people, I'm boring, or just a bitch. It isn't that I don't like people, I just...don't like a lot of people.
I absolutely adore Kayla (my roommate), Cassie, Keifer, Ashlyn, Leaundra, and some of the other people that I'm going to college with. There are just those times that I want..or rather need to be alone.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't love taking showers in the mornings, not only because I'm absolutely terrified of germs, but because I can be alone with my thoughts and whatever song my iPod shuffles too.
I can't even begin to explain why those twenty minutes are so precious to me, but here lately, it seems like I live in a world full of people, when I used to live in a world full of music notes. Every where I look there's a person, someone new. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I do think that it'll take some getting used too. It shouldn't that big of a deal though, I'm actually looking forward to reaching across my old boundaries and establishing new ones, that's my goal for Monday.

I woke up this afternoon with approxiamately one million thoughts going through my head. For about a month now, my first thought in the morning has been about HIM. But today...my first thought was about someone entirely different. I was surprised, and I honestly have NO CLUE why this guy was on my mind this morning. It was a pleasant change, but shocking as well. I love the guy I woke up thinking about, but I haven't really had romantic feelings for him besides a very small crush four months ago. But..I woke up thinking about how cute he was, and how sweet. He's one of those people that gets me, and likes me for who I am. He's so...different.
I talked to my two best girl friends, and they both said "oh lord". I'm not sure if they approve or not, but oh well. I told one of them about a erm..dream that I had about him, two nights in a row. She laughed at me and told me that it just means that I find him physically attractive, which is definitely true.
It's taking all my self control to not erase those last two paragraphs...mainly because I know that the guy I'm talking about is probably going to read this, but that's alright, maybe he won't figure it out (doubtful).
My next thoughts of the day were "OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS."
Yes, original I know. Just as I thought I had settled into the easy flow of a non-relationship just friends thing with a good friend of mine, this happens. I actually have a "date" with my non-relationship just friends guy. I want to go, I really do, and it's honestly killing me that I may or may not have feelings for this other guy. I will go ahead and admit that I feel like a terrible person, and I kind of feel like a slut. I've been thinking about my actions for the past two months, and they weren't exactly admirable. I was "dating" this guy that had another girlfriend, in fact, our mutual friends called his actual girlfriend "the other girlfriend". I should have known better than to do that, but I was in love, and I guess that I was blinded. I feel so insanely guilty about it, and I don't even know how to fix that. I just know that I feel awful, and want to forget that I did it. Ironically, as much as I want to forget about it, some of my fondest memories are from those two months. Not all of them involve that boy that I was in love with, but a fair few do.

Lately, I've been thinking about my future, but the more I think about it, the fuzzier it becomes. I can't see anything clearly anymore, probably because I thought that I had it all figured out. I do know that I'm going to major in English, and probably Psychology. However, I discovered that I'm interested in Anthropology. So I may minor that, or I may change Psychology for Anthropology and minor in Psych. I don't know anymore. I like to have things figured out and planned, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that somethings just aren't meant to be, so I don't have as much control as I would like. That honestly bothers me because I like to have a definite plan, just like I love to keep things organized in a way that I understand. But oh well. I think I've finished my ranting for now.

Wishes

I wish that my emotions would disappear.
I wish that I understood why my dreams were about someone different.
I wish that people understood that I like to blog.
I wish that I could explain why I like to be alone sometimes.
I wish that I didn't have trust issues.
I wish that I could see Taylor, Samantha, and Megan.
I wish that my father actually cared.
I wish that I didn't feel so broken all the time.
I wish that I wasn't such a nerd.
I wish that I was prettier.
I was that I wasn't afraid to let my talents shine.
I was that I was everything he thinks I am.
I wish he didn't think so highly of me.
I wish that I deserved his praise.
I wish that I was more outgoing.
I wish that I didn't judge people.
I wish that I wouldn't care what people think.
I wish that I knew why my biological mother hates me.
I wish that I knew why she doesn't want me.
I wish that I could see all 16 of my siblings.
I wish that I could be around to see two of my baby sisters grow up.
I wish that I'd been able to grow up with all my siblings in one house.
I wish that I could understand my biological father better.
I wish that I wasn't afraid of losing him one day.
I wish that I could have spent more time with my older sister before she died.
I wish that I more confident.
I wish that I was better at math.
I wish that I didn't have to worry about my family.
I wish that I didn't feel like I was disappointing them.
I wish that my biological father wasn't schitzophrenic.
I also wish that there wasn't a chance of him becoming so lost in his hallucinations that he forgets who I am.
I wish that I could get my brother out of the environment he's in.
I wish that my step brother didn't smoke.
I wish that I could balance my different families.
I wish that my biological mother loved me.
I wish that sleep at night without worrying about someone.
I wish that my thoughts didn't swim around in my head like a fish with no direction.
I wish that I had the words to explain myself.
I wish that I had the motivation to write a book.
I wish that I had the courage to talk to a cute boy who flirts with me.
I wish that I didn't have to think about the future and what it may bring.
I wish that I knew where one of my brothers and one of my stepsisters was living.
I wish that there wasn't a chance of one my baby brother's being schizophrenic.
I wish that I didn't have to feel like I was alone in a room full of my family.
I wish that I had set a better example for one of my sisters as she grew up.
I wish that I had tried harder in high school.
I wish that I wasn't so afraid of losing people.
I wish that I didn't care about everything.
I wish that I could forget some of the memories I have.
I wish that I could erase a certain player from my past.
I wish that I could fix my past mistakes.
I wish that I had never met someone.
I wish that I could stop thinking about someone (not the someone everyone thinks I mean).
But most of all, I wish that I didn't have all these wishes.

The Soundtrack of My Life

Ever since I left for college, I've turned more towards music, and generally carry my iPod every where now. I listen to twelve songs every single day, whether I'm in the shower, on my way to class, studying in the library, or just laying around my room. Each one holds a particular meaning to me, and honestly helps me clear my head. So here it is..my life soundtrack.

1. Break Your Little Heart by All Time Low.
I wasn't introduced to ATL until this summer, when I started hanging out with Megan and Sammi. I'll admit.. I'm not addicted. I absolutely love the band, but Break Your Little Heart is definitely my favorite song by them. I remember hearing it after a break up, in one of those random jam sessions in Sam's car. I now know all the words, and even random sing it throughout the day. As weird as it is, this song made me realize that things could ALWAYS be worse.

2. Firework by Alex Goot and Tyler Ward.
I first heard this song when Sammi used it for her flag routine. I like it much better than Katy Perry's version (although her's is good too), I grasped the deeper meaning to it much faster with the slower tempo. It's a song that helped me realize that I'm valuable as a person, and that people love me. I just have to learn to let myself shine.

3. Mr. Brightside by the Killers.
I'll admit, this song probably wasn't healthy for me to listen to this past month, but it happens to be one of my favorites, so I couldn't help it. It made me think about all the things I didn't want to think about when it came to my ex..but I knew that I had to get over it sooner or later, so I opted for sooner. Thanks to this amazing song, I can actually listen to it, among others, and not even think about him. It's almost relieving.

4. The Writer by Ellie Goulding.
My friend Taylor introduced me to Ellie Goulding, and I adore her. She's simply amazing. This is one of my absolute favorite songs, and I actually bought it on iTunes three days after hearing it for the first time. I'm not really certain as to why this song appeals to me, but it does. It's just one of those songs.

5. I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin.
Logan introduced me to this particular song, telling me that it describes me. I listen to it every day regardless of how I feel, but I really listen to it when I'm down or feeling weak. He told me that this song makes him think of me because I don't bow under pressure, and I like to think that he's right, at least most of the time. One could say that this song is my strength.

6. Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce
I started listening to this song after a break up, and it honestly describes how I felt afterwards. I don't have much to say except that I'm going to always be the best thing you never had.

7. Lie by David Cook.
I'm a person who values the truth, so I find it ironic that this is one of my songs. I've always hated being lied too, but this song fit my feelings of one month ago perfectly. Therefore, I started listening to it, and it moved up on my scale of liking.

8. Loser Like Me by the cast of Glee
Recently, I became addicted to Glee, and therefore started looking for the songs on youtube. This one happened to pop up one day, so I listened to it. I love this song because in my opinion, I'm a loser, but that doesn't mean that I have to act like one. I don't have to care what everyone else thinks of me, I am me and that's all that matters.

9. She's So Gone by Naomi Scott.
I was watching a random movie on Disney Channel called Lemonade Mouth, and this song was in it. It reminded me of a friend, and then the more I listened to it throughout the summer, I realized it described me as well. I went from that girl who never talked to anyone to the girl who had more friends than she used to want. The old me is gone, and I can officially say that you can look, but you won't see the girl I used to be.

10. Stand by Rascal Flatts.
I used to listen to country all the time when I was younger, but as I grew older, my selection narrowed from all country to certain groups. My main one was Rascal Flatts, and I fell head over heels for this song. I listened to it after a very good friend of mine stopped talking to me, and after I fought world war three with my mother. I don't lay down and let people walk all over me anymore, and I'll never let that happen again.

11. Smile by Uncle Kracker.
I'll be honest... I used to smile because it was expected, not because it was something that I wanted to do. Now.. I have at least five people that make me think of this song, and I smile. Taylor, Jacob, Sammi, Megan, and Steven can ALWAYS make me smile when I'm upset about something. This song makes me think of them, and therefore I smile like the sun.

12. Everything by Lifehouse.
A little background before I explain this one: I was...violated in September 2010, and I attended a Catholic Youth retreat called Search in December 2010. I was exactly thrilled to be there, I'd completely lost my faith in God due to the incident, and it took the "Everything Skit", which is a skit based on this song, to make me realize just how far gone I was. I listen to this song when I'm feeling particularly lost and alone, or just in general to make myself feel better. To this day, the skit makes me cry, as does the song when I'm feeling down.

Well, there it is. The soundtrack of my life.

Emotions

As the days pass, my emotions become more and more tangled.
To be honest, I'm beginning to hate my emotions. The irony: hate is an emotion. Oh well.
Ever since Saturday afternoon, my emotions have been twisted and wrapped around one another. Confusion has mingled with clarity, bliss with despair. It's all so much to handle at one time...and honestly, I feel like ripping my hair out. I can barely keep up with the long line of emotions flowing through my head.
Excitement. Confusion. Terror. Joy. Lonliness. Love. Anxiety. Pain. Despair. Understanding.
I've never really been one of those people who embraced their emotions, I've actually been the person who tries to deny that they are there. I don't particularly like the fact that all of them are now out in the open, but I suppose that I'm kind of throwing them out there by writing this, and that's all right. Every since the beginning of June, my emotions have been out in the open for most to see. And until recently, I've never really had a reason for my emotions to be all tangled together. Now..now I have all the reasons in the world.
I'm starting college in two days, and will belong to a whole new world. I'm seriously nervous about that. My mother has already informed me that I'm a disappointment to her because I've dropped band. She claims that I'm starting a pattern by dropping a class before they even start, but that isn't the case at all. I dropped band so that I could focus on my academic classes, and hold down a job. So I suppose that despair would be an emotion that fits in here as well. I hate disappointing people, it actually hurts me to do so. One lesson that I've learned though, sometimes you just can't help it. There are some things that are just beyond your control.
Now onto some more complex emotions if you will. As most people know, I fell in love with someone back in June. Well, unfortunately for me, those obnoxiously persistant feelings refuse to fade. They're always there, in the very back of my mind, looming on the horizon, just waiting to pop up at the most inoppurtune moment. It bothers me that my emotions are going to be the one thing that hold me back. Now, a very close guy friend of mine is absolutely in love with me, and didn't tell me until after I fell for a different guy. I don't feel the same way about this guy. Please don't get me wrong, I love him in that friend kind of way, and I care deeply for him. I'll never forget the night he did something extremely stupid, and I remember being so upset that I punched a wall. I also remember that I hurt my hand, badly. In fact, the knuckles are still tender to the touch. I also understand how this guy feels, it really sucks to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. For a while, it was just those two guys, one haunting my every thought, the other trying to win my over.
Now, there's a third guy. He's absolutely amazing, and I'll admit that I like him a lot. He can make me smile, and that's quite the accomplishment these days. Long story short, he kissed me a couple days ago, and while I didn't mind at all, I feel as though it complicated my already tangled emotions.
I'm an OCD person, I just spent about an hour organizing my room. I like things to be organized, and neat for the most part. This tangled web of emotions is starting to anger me.
In fact, I think that I need a break. I need time to think, and time to breathe. I want to embrace being single, maybe go on a few dates, but not get involved in anything serious right now. I don't know if there is over going to be an "us" between the guy who is absolutely in love with me, or the thing with the other guy will go anywhere. Only time will tell, and maybe time will help me untangle this complex web of emotions that I've got clouding my brain.

My Heart

My heart used to be something that I kept entirely to myself, I only shared my inner most thoughts and feelings with one person. Now, I'm pretty sure that five people have some piece of my heart with them. These are the people that I hold closest to my heart, they're the ones that I trust with things, a few with everything. I suppose I'm writing this for them, so that they know just what I mean.

Sammi: You...you're my twin. You know me like the back of your hand, we're just so much alike. It still amazes me that we're in the same situation, and have no clue what we want or what to do. I love that I come to you with anything that I have going on, and you generally have an answer or some form of advice, especially since we're both in the same spot. You have that little piece of my heart that gives me confidence. The fact that you accepted me as I was, broken and screwed up, meant a lot. You gave me the confidence that I needed to grow up and out of my shell. Thanks Twin, I owe you one.

Megan: Gee Megs. I don't know where to begin. You are like my sanity, and I don't know what I would do without you. While Sam was gone, I lacked that girlfriend that I needed to talk too about my girl problems, and you were right there. I love being your wedding planner/bridesmaid/back up maid of honor/shoe picker. It's very...eventful. You have that part of my heart that lets me laugh. You can ALWAYS make me giggle like crazy, even when I'm down about something. You really have no idea how much that means to me.

Taylor: Goodness Tay Tay...I'm not exactly sure what to say. I could say that you were the first guy I've trusted in a long time, and it's very true. Talking to you those nights at work...well, you got me to listen, and I actually opened up to you. You have that piece of my heart that lets me trust. I guess I kind of gave that to you, seeing as you were the first person outside of Marcela that I trusted in a very long time. Thanks Taylor, you're such an amazing friend, and I love you.

Marcela: My dearest Cela. Gosh girl how I love you. You and I...we're insane. We've been there for each other through it all, up until recently. I really want to get that back, I miss talking to you. You're most definitely one of my bestest friends, and I wish that you were going to Tech. You have that piece of my heart that give the courage to stand up for what I believe in. When I'm having a Faith crisis, I look to you for inspiration. You're such a strong young woman, and sometimes I honestly wish that I was more like you.

Jacob: You're my best friend. I trust you above almost everyone (Sam and Meg are right there with you), and would do absolutely anything for you. You're my secret keeper, the obnoxious to my polite. You're that missing puzzle piece that I needed to break out of my wall. You have the part of my heart that lets me love people. I'm not saying its because I was in love with you, I'm saying its because you showed me how to love someone. You're the reason that I know how to love people, living in a wall for years kind of takes away your people skills. I love you, even if your a pain in my ass sometimes. Thanks for setting me free.

Almost There

This whole summer has been full of love, heartbreak, new friendships, and preparations.
It's been a summer of firsts, a summer to remember.
I fell in love for the first time this summer.
I started hanging out with my beloved Jacob, Sammi, and Megan.
I got to know Jake and Taylor better.
Hell, I got to know myself a little better.
But now, it's time to close that chapter in my life, and begin a new one. To be honest, I'm very excited. It's that level of excitement that can barely be contained. I'm usually pretty hyper, but the thought of starting college in less than a week has me jumping up and down like a little kid. I literally can't wait until this Saturday when I officially move to Russellville and start that new chapter. I already have my bags packed, they're just waiting for Saturday morning.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely closing this chapter. My best friends are still going to be Jacob, Sammi, and Megan. I plan on visiting all three of them as often as I'm able too. I have epic plans for Jacob's birthday, and epic plans for Megan's wedding. Sammi and I are just a great pair...so we'll see how well that goes. I'll treasure the memories that we made, and I'll definitely miss Jake and Taylor.
I fully intend on those five people playing huge parts in this new chapter that will begin on Saturday. But there will be new players too. I'm sort of talking to a guy named Keifer, and I'm very interested to see where this goes. He's a great guy, funny too. He makes me smile :)
I have a feeling that I'm going to get close to Cassie and Lauren again, and Leaundra too. I think that Chandra and I will grow closer as well, and maybe even Sarah.
I know that I'll make new friends, but I love having familiar faces in a not so familiar place. I'll feel less alone that way.
I keep looking over at all my things piled on one side of my room, and feel the excitement grow just a little bit more. I'm going to either explode or go insane before Saturday, I can already tell. I'm literally bouncing up and down as I write this. I'm almost there, almost to a fresh start. It's one of those "so close, yet so far" kind of things. I have two more days of this chapter left, then... hello new one.
I'm so excited to continue writing the story of my life, college is going to be epic :)

Moving On

I leave for college in approxiamately five days. I can't wait! I'm so excited for a new beginning, a fresh start. Unfortunately, I have some extra baggage that I don't particularly want to take with me...so it's time to write it out.
First thing: My Nightmare.
I don't exactly have the nightmare anymore, but it's more a of a person now. There was once a time when I thought he and I were meant to be together, in fact, I thought that I loved him. I guess I did, just not in the way I thought. I was a young, naive 16 year old sophomore in high school. I don't think I even knew what love was back then. I wanted to be his girlfriend so badly, I do remember that. I also remember that my parents HATED him, and his parents loathed me. His mother was always telling him that I was a jealous bitch who would do anything in my power to make him mine. My mother always told me that he would try to make me do things that I didn't want too. Guess who was right? My mother. I learned a few days ago that my little sister was telling people a whole bunch of lies about herself, namely that she'd had sex several times before. I also learned that she was arranging to meet this guy that she'd never met so they could "fuck" as she put it. I didn't know anything about any of it until five or so days ago. Now, my worry level is spiked because I don't want the same thing to happen to her. I worry constantly, but I can't let myself dwell on what happened to me. I have to trust that my stepfather is taking the matter into his hands and won't let anything happen to her when I leave in five days.


Here lately I've been listening to music. In fact, I listen to so many different songs by so many different artists over and over again that I've nearly memorized at least four new songs. One song in particular keeps popping into my head at the most inappropriate moments. No Air by Jordin Sparks.
You see, there's this boy, and he quite literally takes my breath away. I was (am?) so deeply in love with him, and now that he's with someone else, it feels like I'm trying to live without the very air that I breathe. I'm healing now, and starting to get over the hurt, but that doesn't mean everything has changed. I'll admit that I've given up on him ever coming back, my reason being that I don't want to waste my time waiting around for something that may never happen. However, I still feel like I don't have air to breath, or a heart that beats.
How am I supposed to breathe with no air?
I didn't think it was possible at first, but now...now I can do it. It's simply really. I just inhale, and breathe in oxygen rather than the smell of his shirt. I exhale carbon dioxide instead of little bubbles of happiness.
My world is slowly fixing itself, turning itself right side up again.
I'm slowly rebuilding the ruins of my heart, and the personality of the girl within.
Once again, I'm going to shine.
I'm not going to hide behind a mask of pain, and let myself be who I really am.
I don't need this boy to survive. He's just a memory of the past. True we're still best friend's, but that's totally different. I guess I could I say that I need him, just not in a romantic way.
I'm going to shine, and I'm going to make my dreams happen.
I'll sing out, let my voice carry the words to whatever song happens to be in my head.
I'll dance, letting my feet move to the rhythm of whatever song happens to be blaring from my speakers.
I'll write, letting the words flow across the page just like they float through my head.
Moving on is hard, don't get me wrong. To be honest, it SUCKS. I don't like filing away the happiest two months of life under the title "Do Not Think About". But what I have to do, well, I just have to let it go.
I need to take my own advice and roll with the waves that life throws my way.
I can't say that I'll move on quickly, but I will eventually reach the point where he is just a memory from the past, and my best friend/secret keeper.
I won't wait forever, and moving on is becoming easier the more I think about it.
Goodbye old, hello new :)

New Beginnings

Here lately, I've been viewing the world through new eyes. Well...not literally, but my view has changed. For the last two months, I've been absolutely oblivious to what's been going on around me. I was living on a cloud in a dream world that no longer exists. I suppose I should say thank you to the two friends who popped that little bubble of bliss. It was overrated and ridiculous.
All of this came crashing down on me Wendesday afternoon. My stepfather built a third level to our deck, he uses it for target practice. Well, Wednesday afternoon, I climbed the ladder to that third level, and was met with a spectacular view. I was level with the tree tops, and since I live on a hill, the view down to the valley was amazing. I could see the farm, and I could see all the way over to the next hill, where Greystone is. I sat out there for at least an hour, just sitting and taking in the view. My thoughts were running around of course, but that's alright. I found that I could breathe up there, and just how peaceful it was. As the night went on, I began to see things with new eyes.
I started to notice the little things outside, like the way the leaves sounded when a breeze would ruffle them. I could hear the little frogs and crickets outside my window that night, creating there own little melody. I could feel the wind tangling my already messy hair, and I could feel the slight chill of it on my skin. I watched a snake slither around on the ground below my perch on that third level, and I watched him disappear from view. The whole time I was up there, I was talking to my best friend, and I found that I could actually talk to him, and not feel hurt or upset that he had actually blown me off earlier. I realized that there are more important things in life than waiting for a love that may never happen again.
I was trying so hard to live in the past that I wasn't paying attention to the present.
But all that's changed.
I'm living in the here and now, rather then what used to be.
The here and now involves new people, new beginnings.
I leave for college in exactly one week from today, and let me say that I can't wait. I'm going to miss all my friends here at home, especially Jacob and Megan. However, I'm looking forward to new adventures with new faces. I'll definitely miss my new spot, that magnificent third level on my deck, but hey, I'll come home for visits. I can't wait to meet new people, and work on the growing friendship between myself and Keifer. Lake Dardanelle and Mount Nebo aren't far from Arkansas Tech's campus, so there will be plenty of time to appreciate nature. Tech's campus is beautiful, and there's trees all around, and tons of benches outdoors for me to sit on and study. I can't wait to start classes, and start learning new things. I'm a nerd at heart, and am psyched for my cultural anthropology class. I can't say that I'm excited about Math or Bowling, but oh well, it's all for a good cause.
I don't need to live in the past anymore, I have a bright future ahead of me. Don't get me wrong, I'll always treasure the memories, and I'll definitely enjoy taking them out to admire every once in a while. But now I have the oppurtunity to make new memories, and make things happen. I'll keep my Jacob and my Megan close to my heart, and I'll make sure to talk to them every day. But here's to new beginnings, and the here and now :)

I am Me. Plain and Simple

Here recently I've had some people pressuring me to change who I am. Well forget it, it's not going too happen. I am ME. Plain and Simple.
I know that I'm loud.
I know that I'm crazy.
I know that I love to laugh.
I know that my eyes shine when I'm happy.
I know that I crinkle my nose when I laugh.
I know that my eyes will always give away my true emotions.
I know that I try to put others before myself.
I know that I'm afraid of my own emotions for the most part, but I know when the feelings are real.
I know the difference between love and infatuation.
I know that what I feel right now for a certain person is love, not that irrational fake thing most people think of as love.
I know that I hate being told how to feel.
I know that I have really big brown eyes that some think are beautiful, but that I dislike.
I know that I have naturally brownish blonde hair that curls when it wants too, and goes all frizzy when it doesn't.
I know that my feet are size 8 1/2.
I know that I have small hands.
I know that I'm usually cold.
I know that blue is my favorite color.
I know that I love to help people.
I know that English is my favorite subject.
I know that there are few people that I trust.
I know that I adore musicals.
I know that I'm posting this blog because I'm absolutely pissed right now.
I know that my heart is bruised and broken.
I know that I love watching Tom and Jerry.
I know that I love Michigan.
I know that I love to read.
I know that I'm ready for a new beginning.
I know that I can't wait for move in day, and for classes to start.
I know that I love to dance.
I know that I eat, sleep, and breathe music.
I know that I absolutely hate brussell sprouts.
I know that Jane Eyre is my favorite book.
I know that Samantha Weldon is the twin that God forgot to give me.
I know that I don't like to take my shirt off during sex.
I know that I can speak Spanish very well, and I could probably be fluent if I'd practice.
I know that I have weak ankles.
I know that I'm a secret keeper.
I know that singing is a hobby of mine.
I know that I can't draw very well (stick figures are my specialty)
I know that I don't like beef or pork very much.
I know that I could probably be a vegetarian.
I know that I love the rain.
I know that I hate rain during the winter.
I know that wet socks drive me crazy.
I know that Jacob Ross and Samantha Weldom can make me smile, no matter how bad my day has been.
I know that I think the Smurfs are super cute.
I know that I'm a flirt.
I know that I'm a tease.
I know that I'm claustrophobic.
I know that I absolutely hate being forced to do anything.
I know that I have weird little quirks in my personality.
I know that want to go to England.
I know that I miss Rose Arnold and sharing chocolate muffins at lunch.
But most of all, I know who I am.
I am Mareena Keigh Gilbert.
I am ME. It's that plain. It's that simple.