As the days pass, my emotions become more and more tangled.
To be honest, I'm beginning to hate my emotions. The irony: hate is an emotion. Oh well.
Ever since Saturday afternoon, my emotions have been twisted and wrapped around one another. Confusion has mingled with clarity, bliss with despair. It's all so much to handle at one time...and honestly, I feel like ripping my hair out. I can barely keep up with the long line of emotions flowing through my head.
Excitement. Confusion. Terror. Joy. Lonliness. Love. Anxiety. Pain. Despair. Understanding.
I've never really been one of those people who embraced their emotions, I've actually been the person who tries to deny that they are there. I don't particularly like the fact that all of them are now out in the open, but I suppose that I'm kind of throwing them out there by writing this, and that's all right. Every since the beginning of June, my emotions have been out in the open for most to see. And until recently, I've never really had a reason for my emotions to be all tangled together. Now..now I have all the reasons in the world.
I'm starting college in two days, and will belong to a whole new world. I'm seriously nervous about that. My mother has already informed me that I'm a disappointment to her because I've dropped band. She claims that I'm starting a pattern by dropping a class before they even start, but that isn't the case at all. I dropped band so that I could focus on my academic classes, and hold down a job. So I suppose that despair would be an emotion that fits in here as well. I hate disappointing people, it actually hurts me to do so. One lesson that I've learned though, sometimes you just can't help it. There are some things that are just beyond your control.
Now onto some more complex emotions if you will. As most people know, I fell in love with someone back in June. Well, unfortunately for me, those obnoxiously persistant feelings refuse to fade. They're always there, in the very back of my mind, looming on the horizon, just waiting to pop up at the most inoppurtune moment. It bothers me that my emotions are going to be the one thing that hold me back. Now, a very close guy friend of mine is absolutely in love with me, and didn't tell me until after I fell for a different guy. I don't feel the same way about this guy. Please don't get me wrong, I love him in that friend kind of way, and I care deeply for him. I'll never forget the night he did something extremely stupid, and I remember being so upset that I punched a wall. I also remember that I hurt my hand, badly. In fact, the knuckles are still tender to the touch. I also understand how this guy feels, it really sucks to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. For a while, it was just those two guys, one haunting my every thought, the other trying to win my over.
Now, there's a third guy. He's absolutely amazing, and I'll admit that I like him a lot. He can make me smile, and that's quite the accomplishment these days. Long story short, he kissed me a couple days ago, and while I didn't mind at all, I feel as though it complicated my already tangled emotions.
I'm an OCD person, I just spent about an hour organizing my room. I like things to be organized, and neat for the most part. This tangled web of emotions is starting to anger me.
In fact, I think that I need a break. I need time to think, and time to breathe. I want to embrace being single, maybe go on a few dates, but not get involved in anything serious right now. I don't know if there is over going to be an "us" between the guy who is absolutely in love with me, or the thing with the other guy will go anywhere. Only time will tell, and maybe time will help me untangle this complex web of emotions that I've got clouding my brain.
To be honest, I'm beginning to hate my emotions. The irony: hate is an emotion. Oh well.
Ever since Saturday afternoon, my emotions have been twisted and wrapped around one another. Confusion has mingled with clarity, bliss with despair. It's all so much to handle at one time...and honestly, I feel like ripping my hair out. I can barely keep up with the long line of emotions flowing through my head.
Excitement. Confusion. Terror. Joy. Lonliness. Love. Anxiety. Pain. Despair. Understanding.
I've never really been one of those people who embraced their emotions, I've actually been the person who tries to deny that they are there. I don't particularly like the fact that all of them are now out in the open, but I suppose that I'm kind of throwing them out there by writing this, and that's all right. Every since the beginning of June, my emotions have been out in the open for most to see. And until recently, I've never really had a reason for my emotions to be all tangled together. Now..now I have all the reasons in the world.
I'm starting college in two days, and will belong to a whole new world. I'm seriously nervous about that. My mother has already informed me that I'm a disappointment to her because I've dropped band. She claims that I'm starting a pattern by dropping a class before they even start, but that isn't the case at all. I dropped band so that I could focus on my academic classes, and hold down a job. So I suppose that despair would be an emotion that fits in here as well. I hate disappointing people, it actually hurts me to do so. One lesson that I've learned though, sometimes you just can't help it. There are some things that are just beyond your control.
Now onto some more complex emotions if you will. As most people know, I fell in love with someone back in June. Well, unfortunately for me, those obnoxiously persistant feelings refuse to fade. They're always there, in the very back of my mind, looming on the horizon, just waiting to pop up at the most inoppurtune moment. It bothers me that my emotions are going to be the one thing that hold me back. Now, a very close guy friend of mine is absolutely in love with me, and didn't tell me until after I fell for a different guy. I don't feel the same way about this guy. Please don't get me wrong, I love him in that friend kind of way, and I care deeply for him. I'll never forget the night he did something extremely stupid, and I remember being so upset that I punched a wall. I also remember that I hurt my hand, badly. In fact, the knuckles are still tender to the touch. I also understand how this guy feels, it really sucks to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. For a while, it was just those two guys, one haunting my every thought, the other trying to win my over.
Now, there's a third guy. He's absolutely amazing, and I'll admit that I like him a lot. He can make me smile, and that's quite the accomplishment these days. Long story short, he kissed me a couple days ago, and while I didn't mind at all, I feel as though it complicated my already tangled emotions.
I'm an OCD person, I just spent about an hour organizing my room. I like things to be organized, and neat for the most part. This tangled web of emotions is starting to anger me.
In fact, I think that I need a break. I need time to think, and time to breathe. I want to embrace being single, maybe go on a few dates, but not get involved in anything serious right now. I don't know if there is over going to be an "us" between the guy who is absolutely in love with me, or the thing with the other guy will go anywhere. Only time will tell, and maybe time will help me untangle this complex web of emotions that I've got clouding my brain.
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