Being Lost...and Being Rediscovered

I can't sleep.
I have way to many thoughts whirling through my head, I swear that I'm about to go insane.
I can't seem to make the thoughts go back into there little folders within my head.
Everything is out there, fighting for my attention.
I'm so hopelessly lost it seems, and I have no clue where to begin finding myself.
The only time I feel like that real me is when I'm with Sammi and Megan, sometimes with Jacob. I suppose it just depends. I'm not exactly afraid to be who I am, I'm just...not quite prepared for people's reactions I suppose.
My friends here in Russellville worry about me, and I understand that some of the things I do aren't exactly normal. Not many people like to shut down, shut out, and write.
But I do.
I like to write, to blog.
It's part of my daily routine in all honesty.
I find it rather soothing.
It helps me to organize and understand what I've got going through my head.
I'll be honest right now: one of the main things I've got in my head is a person. His name is Sean Palmer.
He and I have a lot history, which I won't publicize in this blog out of respect for his privacy. We've been talking lately, much to the disappointment of my Twin. I know that he doesn't deserve my pity, my respect, my love. I know that I shouldn't care about him, nor should I give a shit what he thinks of me.
Unfortunately, I do.
Very few people know this, but Sean was my first love, but not Jacob.
Sean was also the first guy to shatter my heart, and the first guy to make me actually want to lie about what I felt.
What I felt for Jacob is definitely one million times stronger than anything I've ever felt for Sean, but that doesn't excuse the fact that he was still the first guy I fell for.
We've been talking for maybe a couple weeks, and in that short amount of time, I've managed to lose sight of many of the things that are important to me.
With Sean, everything is all about sex.
For those of you who know me well, I'm not very into sex.
I think it's overrated and stupid for the most part.
I've also been talking to my friend Paul Kanatzer for a couple weeks now as well. I've had a teeny tiny crush on him since July or so, and he's a truly an amazing person. The whole time I've been talking to Sean, I've been thinking about some of the things Paul tells me. He sees me as an accepting person, someone who's kind. I suppose that's true, for the most part. He's never seen the dark side of me, the side that does things I don't realy want to do.
To top all of this off: I keep thinking about Sammi and Jacob. I value their opinions above anyone elses (excluding my own of course). Sammi has voiced her disapproval of Sean time and time again, and I haven't even found the guts to tell Jacob what I've been doing.
I woke up this morning with the realization that I was being EXTREMELY STUPID when it came to things.
I've lost sight of what matters most to me over these last two weeks.
I've lost sight of college, and where I want to go in life.
I've lost sight of Jacob, and how strong of a friendship we have.
I've lost sight of my Twin, and how much she means to me.
I've lost sight of my family, and just how much I rely on them.
I've lost sight of everything.
It's time that I take my wake up call and run with it.
I have things that I need to fix, and somethings that I need to end, once and for all.
I know that Jacob doesn't deserve my heart, and he never did.
He and I are meant to be best friends, and that is most likely all we're every going to be.
I can accept that.
I don't feel so lost anymore, but I dont' feel found either.
I suppose I could say that I feel...discovered? No.
I feel like I'm beginning to be discovered. Yeah, that's it.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I don't plan on forgetting it again.
I am Mareena Keigh Gilbert, and I'm beginning to rediscover who I am.