I have way to many thoughts going through my head right now....I guess that it's time I got them out.
I'm in a very blah mood. Ever since I started college, I've felt like a totally different person, and I can't say that I like it very much.
I'm sort of reverting back to my old ways, I don't like to socialize much anymore.
However, I don't know if it's because I don't trust people, or if it's because I miss my friends from home too much.
Right now, I can't really put my finger on the day I started to become a hermit again, but I know it's happening. Which, I might add, shouldn't be possible since I have a roommate.
Honestly, I feel like I'm falling apart on the inside. My heart isn't healing as fast as I would like it too, and I just feel...alone. I can't really explain it. I've started talking to my friend Taylor more often now because he is one of the few people that I feel completely understands me. It sort of bothers me that I feel misunderstood all the time, by everyone.
I know that people judge harshly, but things aren't always what they seem.
To most people, I'm boring, or just a bitch. It isn't that I don't like people, I just...don't like a lot of people.
I absolutely adore Kayla (my roommate), Cassie, Keifer, Ashlyn, Leaundra, and some of the other people that I'm going to college with. There are just those times that I want..or rather need to be alone.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't love taking showers in the mornings, not only because I'm absolutely terrified of germs, but because I can be alone with my thoughts and whatever song my iPod shuffles too.
I can't even begin to explain why those twenty minutes are so precious to me, but here lately, it seems like I live in a world full of people, when I used to live in a world full of music notes. Every where I look there's a person, someone new. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I do think that it'll take some getting used too. It shouldn't that big of a deal though, I'm actually looking forward to reaching across my old boundaries and establishing new ones, that's my goal for Monday.
I woke up this afternoon with approxiamately one million thoughts going through my head. For about a month now, my first thought in the morning has been about HIM. But today...my first thought was about someone entirely different. I was surprised, and I honestly have NO CLUE why this guy was on my mind this morning. It was a pleasant change, but shocking as well. I love the guy I woke up thinking about, but I haven't really had romantic feelings for him besides a very small crush four months ago. But..I woke up thinking about how cute he was, and how sweet. He's one of those people that gets me, and likes me for who I am. He's so...different.
I talked to my two best girl friends, and they both said "oh lord". I'm not sure if they approve or not, but oh well. I told one of them about a erm..dream that I had about him, two nights in a row. She laughed at me and told me that it just means that I find him physically attractive, which is definitely true.
It's taking all my self control to not erase those last two paragraphs...mainly because I know that the guy I'm talking about is probably going to read this, but that's alright, maybe he won't figure it out (doubtful).
My next thoughts of the day were "OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS."
Yes, original I know. Just as I thought I had settled into the easy flow of a non-relationship just friends thing with a good friend of mine, this happens. I actually have a "date" with my non-relationship just friends guy. I want to go, I really do, and it's honestly killing me that I may or may not have feelings for this other guy. I will go ahead and admit that I feel like a terrible person, and I kind of feel like a slut. I've been thinking about my actions for the past two months, and they weren't exactly admirable. I was "dating" this guy that had another girlfriend, in fact, our mutual friends called his actual girlfriend "the other girlfriend". I should have known better than to do that, but I was in love, and I guess that I was blinded. I feel so insanely guilty about it, and I don't even know how to fix that. I just know that I feel awful, and want to forget that I did it. Ironically, as much as I want to forget about it, some of my fondest memories are from those two months. Not all of them involve that boy that I was in love with, but a fair few do.
Lately, I've been thinking about my future, but the more I think about it, the fuzzier it becomes. I can't see anything clearly anymore, probably because I thought that I had it all figured out. I do know that I'm going to major in English, and probably Psychology. However, I discovered that I'm interested in Anthropology. So I may minor that, or I may change Psychology for Anthropology and minor in Psych. I don't know anymore. I like to have things figured out and planned, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that somethings just aren't meant to be, so I don't have as much control as I would like. That honestly bothers me because I like to have a definite plan, just like I love to keep things organized in a way that I understand. But oh well. I think I've finished my ranting for now.
I'm in a very blah mood. Ever since I started college, I've felt like a totally different person, and I can't say that I like it very much.
I'm sort of reverting back to my old ways, I don't like to socialize much anymore.
However, I don't know if it's because I don't trust people, or if it's because I miss my friends from home too much.
Right now, I can't really put my finger on the day I started to become a hermit again, but I know it's happening. Which, I might add, shouldn't be possible since I have a roommate.
Honestly, I feel like I'm falling apart on the inside. My heart isn't healing as fast as I would like it too, and I just feel...alone. I can't really explain it. I've started talking to my friend Taylor more often now because he is one of the few people that I feel completely understands me. It sort of bothers me that I feel misunderstood all the time, by everyone.
I know that people judge harshly, but things aren't always what they seem.
To most people, I'm boring, or just a bitch. It isn't that I don't like people, I just...don't like a lot of people.
I absolutely adore Kayla (my roommate), Cassie, Keifer, Ashlyn, Leaundra, and some of the other people that I'm going to college with. There are just those times that I want..or rather need to be alone.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't love taking showers in the mornings, not only because I'm absolutely terrified of germs, but because I can be alone with my thoughts and whatever song my iPod shuffles too.
I can't even begin to explain why those twenty minutes are so precious to me, but here lately, it seems like I live in a world full of people, when I used to live in a world full of music notes. Every where I look there's a person, someone new. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I do think that it'll take some getting used too. It shouldn't that big of a deal though, I'm actually looking forward to reaching across my old boundaries and establishing new ones, that's my goal for Monday.
I woke up this afternoon with approxiamately one million thoughts going through my head. For about a month now, my first thought in the morning has been about HIM. But today...my first thought was about someone entirely different. I was surprised, and I honestly have NO CLUE why this guy was on my mind this morning. It was a pleasant change, but shocking as well. I love the guy I woke up thinking about, but I haven't really had romantic feelings for him besides a very small crush four months ago. But..I woke up thinking about how cute he was, and how sweet. He's one of those people that gets me, and likes me for who I am. He's so...different.
I talked to my two best girl friends, and they both said "oh lord". I'm not sure if they approve or not, but oh well. I told one of them about a erm..dream that I had about him, two nights in a row. She laughed at me and told me that it just means that I find him physically attractive, which is definitely true.
It's taking all my self control to not erase those last two paragraphs...mainly because I know that the guy I'm talking about is probably going to read this, but that's alright, maybe he won't figure it out (doubtful).
My next thoughts of the day were "OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS."
Yes, original I know. Just as I thought I had settled into the easy flow of a non-relationship just friends thing with a good friend of mine, this happens. I actually have a "date" with my non-relationship just friends guy. I want to go, I really do, and it's honestly killing me that I may or may not have feelings for this other guy. I will go ahead and admit that I feel like a terrible person, and I kind of feel like a slut. I've been thinking about my actions for the past two months, and they weren't exactly admirable. I was "dating" this guy that had another girlfriend, in fact, our mutual friends called his actual girlfriend "the other girlfriend". I should have known better than to do that, but I was in love, and I guess that I was blinded. I feel so insanely guilty about it, and I don't even know how to fix that. I just know that I feel awful, and want to forget that I did it. Ironically, as much as I want to forget about it, some of my fondest memories are from those two months. Not all of them involve that boy that I was in love with, but a fair few do.
Lately, I've been thinking about my future, but the more I think about it, the fuzzier it becomes. I can't see anything clearly anymore, probably because I thought that I had it all figured out. I do know that I'm going to major in English, and probably Psychology. However, I discovered that I'm interested in Anthropology. So I may minor that, or I may change Psychology for Anthropology and minor in Psych. I don't know anymore. I like to have things figured out and planned, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that somethings just aren't meant to be, so I don't have as much control as I would like. That honestly bothers me because I like to have a definite plan, just like I love to keep things organized in a way that I understand. But oh well. I think I've finished my ranting for now.
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