Everything

I'm falling on my knees.
My heart is breaking,
I can feel the cracks widen.
The pain goes deeper
Tears fall down my cheeks,
They fall like rain.
I wrap my arms around myself in a weak attempt to hold myself together.
I'm coming apart at the seams.
Someone calls my name,
But there's only me.
Well, me and the devil.
There's darkness all around me,
and I can hear demons laughing.
My personal hell.
I feel cold arms wrap around me, holding me close.
Satan hands me a blade.
Without a thought, I press it to my skin.
My hand shakes, the tears fall faster.
Satan steadies me, pushed the blade deeper.
"Cut," he hisses, "Cut deep."
And I do.
Over and over again, I slice through my skin.
Deep, angry marks appear.
Blood drips onto the gound.
"Stop!"
I hear the voice, the voice who called my name.
But I can't stop, the devil's hold is too strong.
Suddenly, I see a light.
His light.
I start to fight, to run.
My demons chase me, they pull me back.
Lust.
Greed.
Vanity.
Drinking.
Suicide.
All of them pull me back.
Then, something pulls me towards the light.
I reach the edge,
But I hesitate.
Satan and his demons grab my waist,
Spinning me back into the darkness.
I fight them: pushing, shoving, kicking.
A figure appears, His hand is outstretched,
Reaching out to me.
I fight harder,
I grab his hand.
But I slip,
and I fall to the ground.
I curl up, expecting pain.
None comes.
I look up, and I see His face.
He is smiling, holding back the demons.
Holding back Satan.
He throws back his arms, and they all vanish.
Jesus pulls me into His arms,
and He holds me close.
Together, we walk into the light.

-Mareena Gilbert, January 25, 2011.

I wrote that poem after I first saw the Everything skit at church retreat.
It really hit home with me, and still does today.
When I first saw the skit, it was December 2010, and I was a very lost soul back then.
I wasn't exactly suicidal, but I was into self inflicted pain.
I used to cut myself, sometimes multiple times a day.
I've long since stopped doing that, but the scars still marr my skin, leaving it imperfect.
This skit...this song, changed my life.
I found myself thinking about it today after my classes, probably because my iPod shuffled to the song, and I found the poem hidden in my files on my laptop.
It sort of reminded me of how I was feeling a month ago, but I'm definitely didn't get that bad.
"You are the strength,
That keeps me walking.
You are the hope,
That keeps me trusting.
You are the light,
To my soul.
You are my purpose,
You're everything. "
That verse is favorite part of the entire song. It reminds me of my twin, Sammi. She's my strength 99.9% of the time, just as I'm hers.
She's the one that I turn too when I need someone to talk too, or just someone to hold me while I cry. She's the hope that I have that things will work, and she's the light that keeps from succombing to the darkness.
Thank you for being amazing Sammi, and for just being you.
I love you Twin.
I am so much happier now, and I really don't want people to worry because of that poem. I posted it because I feel like it expresses a part of my past, a part of who I was.
I shouldn't have to hide it...right?