When I close my eyes, the first memories that come to my mind are generally of the way he used to smile at me, the way his lips felt on mine, or the way it felt to be held in his arms. I was so in love with this boy, and now that I don't really have this boy anymore, I feel alone.
Empty.
It's very odd reverting back to my old self, the girl who has a wall built to keep emotions locked in, and everyone locked out.
Naturally, I have those few friends who have either been let inside, or they've wormed their way between the stones. Or the case of this boy, whom we'll call Goober, blew a freakin' hole in the side of the wall with one conversation. He's the only person to make it through my bitter exterior, and he totally bypassed the gates. The fact that he made it through my wall so easily kind of freaked me out, mainly because I've always been guarded, it's just how I am.
Not very long ago, I was "that girl", the one who wore long sleeves in August to hide the healing cuts on my arms. I was the girl who carried a razor blade with her EVERYWHERE, just in case I would "need" it. One thing I've learned through observation is that when I was cutting, I never cried, but when I cry, I never cut. It's a relieving thing to know that all I have to do is cry so I don't fall back into my old habits.
I've long since given up cutting and self mutilation, but despite that, my mind remained dark.
Haunted really.
I had ghosts inside my head that no exorcism could erase.
But this person...this boy brought me light. The first time we talked, I felt like clouds were being forced away, and the sun was shining on my thought for the first in ages.
I was...happy.
It was an amazing feeling, and we talked for hours. He chased my ghosts away without even realizing it. He didn't run away or shudder at the darkness that I know he felt in my thoughts, he just went on prying deeper.
We talked about EVERYTHING, nothing was forbidden, it was amazing.
I'd never talked to anyone the way I could talk to him.
He just..understood me.
It's an amazing feeling, being understood. I hadn't felt it in years, but then again, I generally kept people at such a distance that they couldn't really get to me know well enough to understand me.
Goober...he changed me. He made me feel wanted, like I was valuable. Like I actually meant something to someone.
Due to the fact that we got along so well, and had no conversational boundaries, we ended having what I call a "fling". In my opinion, we were great together, but we fell in love way too fast, and we definitely had sex much to soon. Looking back, we were great together because we were good friends, but when we lost sight of the friendship we'd had, we lost sight of what our "relationship" was based on. The foundation crumbled before the real relationship could even begin. I don't regret having a fling with Goober, I can honestly say it was the best non-relationship of my life. However, I'm glad it's over. We were never really meant to be as a couple, we just fell hard for each other. To be honest, I want nothing more than for us to be best friends, we connect so well that way, kind of like pieces to a puzzle. He still has my heart, and the key to my wall, but I told him to keep them. I'm not ready to belong to someone else, and I'll never take the key back. He earned it, and it's always going to be his.
These last few days have been rough though, and I'll be the first to admit that.
I thought that I was going to lose Goober as my friend, but I realized that the only reason I'd lose him is because I'd be pushing him away. I also learned that he is way more valuable to me as a friend than as a boyfriend or a lover. He still loves me, and I definitely still love him. He showed me things, and helped me experience life without a wall for a while. He's my best friend, my go to person, my secret keeper. I'm also his best friend, his go to person, his secret keeper. And to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. Romance was nice, but I have to say, having my best friend back is so much better. I don't regret what happened between us, but I'm perfectly happy with where we stand now. He's the best friend I could ask for, and I can only thank God that I didn't let myself push him away. He's here to stay I believe, and so am I. Good-bye wall...hello world.
Empty.
It's very odd reverting back to my old self, the girl who has a wall built to keep emotions locked in, and everyone locked out.
Naturally, I have those few friends who have either been let inside, or they've wormed their way between the stones. Or the case of this boy, whom we'll call Goober, blew a freakin' hole in the side of the wall with one conversation. He's the only person to make it through my bitter exterior, and he totally bypassed the gates. The fact that he made it through my wall so easily kind of freaked me out, mainly because I've always been guarded, it's just how I am.
Not very long ago, I was "that girl", the one who wore long sleeves in August to hide the healing cuts on my arms. I was the girl who carried a razor blade with her EVERYWHERE, just in case I would "need" it. One thing I've learned through observation is that when I was cutting, I never cried, but when I cry, I never cut. It's a relieving thing to know that all I have to do is cry so I don't fall back into my old habits.
I've long since given up cutting and self mutilation, but despite that, my mind remained dark.
Haunted really.
I had ghosts inside my head that no exorcism could erase.
But this person...this boy brought me light. The first time we talked, I felt like clouds were being forced away, and the sun was shining on my thought for the first in ages.
I was...happy.
It was an amazing feeling, and we talked for hours. He chased my ghosts away without even realizing it. He didn't run away or shudder at the darkness that I know he felt in my thoughts, he just went on prying deeper.
We talked about EVERYTHING, nothing was forbidden, it was amazing.
I'd never talked to anyone the way I could talk to him.
He just..understood me.
It's an amazing feeling, being understood. I hadn't felt it in years, but then again, I generally kept people at such a distance that they couldn't really get to me know well enough to understand me.
Goober...he changed me. He made me feel wanted, like I was valuable. Like I actually meant something to someone.
Due to the fact that we got along so well, and had no conversational boundaries, we ended having what I call a "fling". In my opinion, we were great together, but we fell in love way too fast, and we definitely had sex much to soon. Looking back, we were great together because we were good friends, but when we lost sight of the friendship we'd had, we lost sight of what our "relationship" was based on. The foundation crumbled before the real relationship could even begin. I don't regret having a fling with Goober, I can honestly say it was the best non-relationship of my life. However, I'm glad it's over. We were never really meant to be as a couple, we just fell hard for each other. To be honest, I want nothing more than for us to be best friends, we connect so well that way, kind of like pieces to a puzzle. He still has my heart, and the key to my wall, but I told him to keep them. I'm not ready to belong to someone else, and I'll never take the key back. He earned it, and it's always going to be his.
These last few days have been rough though, and I'll be the first to admit that.
I thought that I was going to lose Goober as my friend, but I realized that the only reason I'd lose him is because I'd be pushing him away. I also learned that he is way more valuable to me as a friend than as a boyfriend or a lover. He still loves me, and I definitely still love him. He showed me things, and helped me experience life without a wall for a while. He's my best friend, my go to person, my secret keeper. I'm also his best friend, his go to person, his secret keeper. And to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. Romance was nice, but I have to say, having my best friend back is so much better. I don't regret what happened between us, but I'm perfectly happy with where we stand now. He's the best friend I could ask for, and I can only thank God that I didn't let myself push him away. He's here to stay I believe, and so am I. Good-bye wall...hello world.
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